After six weeks of Joel calling the shots, whittling our group of ten singles down to our two finalists Lily and Brad, Critic Bachelor is turning the tables. It’s time for Joel to seek the flatties’ approval. Read on as Lily’s flatmates discover our bachelor’s true intentions over a selection of curries (cheers, Delivereasy). It’s like the first time you bring your not-so-casual sneaky link to your flat during daylight hours, causing awkward eye-contact with your flatmate across the living room as you scurry quickly to your room in bitter-sweet shame. We’ve all been there.
The casting crew are getting ready to head to Lily’s flat on a fateful Monday night – running slightly late, as per. When I glance down at my phone, I’m perturbed to see a message from Joel saying he’s at Lily’s apartment complex already. He is a whole 15 minutes early, straddling the line between being a total green flag or a horribly red one. I ask if I should give Lily a text to let him up, but he bravely messages her himself. I pray nothing of note happens without me and my laptop being present.
When we arrive, Lily and her flatmates Becca, Logan, and Flynn have already given Joel a flat tour. The flat is gorgeous, spread over a couple of stories and tastefully decorated. I bet they’ve never even found mould spots on their couch. We make our way up to a cosy lounge and kitchen where dinner has already arrived. A true hostess, Lily has set the table: plates, placemats, glasses of water, and even forks. Joel and Lily clink their glasses. “I am such a gentlewoman,” Lily remarks. Becca and Logan sit down on one side of the table, leaving Lily and Joel to sit opposite them and next to each other. We didn’t even have to prompt them! Romance.
I won’t bother attempting to catalogue the sheer amount of food ordered, but it definitely would have been enough to allow Taste of Tandoor to close early. Immediately, it seems there may be slight trouble in paradise: Flynn is absent, having quietly slipped away when no one was looking. Lily explains to Joel that there has been some “flat beef” and blames Logan’s apparent refusal to do his chores as the culprit. She dips out to try and coax Flynn back to the table, quickly returning and saying to Logan, “He’s still mad at you.” Logan shrugs and begins shovelling curry and naan onto his plate.
Looking at the large spread before them, Lily asks Joel if he’s tried the palak paneer. “Not yet,” replies Joel, eyeing it up. Lily explains that she’s not fussy at all. “I’ll eat any vegetable on the planet,” she insists, as a devout vegetarian. “I’ll eat anything that’s edible,” Joel agrees. These statements appear to be true judging by the pair’s similarly colourful plates. The conversation spurs another dig at Logan from Becca and Lily, who apparently refuses to eat any vegetables, causing flat cooking to be very problematic. He sounds like a right terror.
It seems like Lily’s flat isn’t the only one with issues. The topic of flat cooking launches Joel into a tirade about how he quit flat cooking that day due to him not getting “value for money” (he makes sure I write this down, too). “My dirty flatmates would always cook the same stir fry with frozen veggies and I was sick of it. I was cooking nice pizzas and using ingredients from scratch,” he rants. This date is getting really beefy – even with a vegetarian present.
Moving swiftly on, Logan takes charge of giving Joel the third degree. He begins by pointedly asking whether Joel would be going for the medium or mild spiced curry (“medium”) and what his favourite Pixar film is. “Lily is a major film buff, you know,” Logan says, raising his eyebrows. “Maybe ‘Cars’ or that robot one,” Joel says. “‘Robots’?” suggests Logan. “Yeah,” Joel beams.
Conversation turns to how everyone met, with Joel revealing that he met his flatmates in halls. Similarly, Becca, Logan, and Lily also met in their first year, with Becca as Logan’s RA. “How was the transition from RA to flatmate?” Joel inquires. “Oh, you know,” begins Becca. “There are some people you get naturally close to [at your time at halls]. Logan was not one of them.” Logan picks at his food, and Joel gives an awkward chuckle.
Becca and Logan start pressing Joel a little harder. They ask him for his political stance (he’s a centrist), conveniently opening the door for Logan to ask about Joel’s recent loss when running for OUSA’s Finance Rep. “Losing was kind of shit. I lost by five votes. But [Daniel and I] are friends now,” Joel replies amicably. Logan nods. “Does Daniel have 5 more friends?” he asks. Joel shrugs. When Logan goes on to ask how many Facebook friends Joel has (given Lily has over 1000), Joel quips back that he must have “five less than Daniel.” Lily laughs.
Siblings are the next topic of conversation. Joel gives a shout-out to his brothers Max and Isaac (another point he makes sure I note down) and then foolishly guesses that Lily is the eldest. Incorrect – she’s the youngest in her family by nine years. “Wow, that’s incredibly wrong,” says Logan. Joel murmurs that he swore they talked about that on their coffee date. “It must’ve been some other date,” Logan suggests. “It’s okay, 50/50 chance,” he reassures, causing Becca to snort into her naan.
“What made you sign up to the Bachelor?” Becca asks Joel. He explains that Critic Editor Nina made him sign up and that he felt “held at gunpoint” [Editor’s note: Valid]. Asked how Lily stacks up with other contestants, Joel takes a second before answering. “She’s approachable, and down to Earth,” Joel replies, before turning to Lily: “You’re just a great girl.” Lily smiles, flattered. Becca asks if he was making fun of her height by calling her “down to earth”.
Becca continues to press, wondering aloud what Joel’s intentions are with her beloved flatmate Lily. “To see where things go after the competition, really,” he responds, prompting an exchange of glances between Logan and Becca. “Sounds very non-committal,” Becca quips. “Yeah, no commitment,” says Joel, doubling down. Becca and Logan question if he thinks he’d ever be able to commit to Lily at all. Shuffling from foot to foot, Joel points to his consistent love of the gym and Energy Management degree as signs he does have the potential to commit to the things he cares about. This seems to satisfy the flatties – that is, until Logan asks if Joel has time to commit to anything else. Joel laughs weakly before replying, “No.” Potentially not so good of a sign for the budding relationship. Lily stares at her plate passively.
We usher Joel out of the living room before he can put his foot even further in his mouth, and so I can get the tea about what the flatmates really think. “I mean, he's just a guy,” shrugs Becca. “Very diplomatic. Say what you really mean, you know?” she continues. Logan nods. “I think he has potential,” he says.
The flatties raise the issue of Joel only having three playlists. This had been a subject of particular interrogation given both Logan and Becca are musicians and Lily works at Radio One. She’d also apparently been known to drop a previous romantic entanglement over his love of Imagine Dragons – a topic Joel had expertly skirted around. One of Joel’s three playlists had included his Spotify Daylist, that day containing some Dire Straits, which Logan says is a red flag: “If breathas aren’t listening to DnB, they’re listening to Dire Straits.” Ain’t that the truth.
In another room, Joel tells Nina that he thinks it went well: “Her flatmates are lovely. We had a very nice dinner.” Despite this, he worries about getting the seal of approval from Becca and Logan. “They seemed to go pretty hard in their investigation. So we’ll just have to wait and see I guess. I felt that [the vibe] was kind of intense due to the flat drama that was going on,” he finishes.
And now for the twist: Becca, Logan and Flynn were plants, a little secret even Joel wasn’t let in on (“you’re kidding!”). Told Joel would be meeting her flatmates, Lily had panickedly told the casting crew that she’d recently had a change in flatting situation meaning she didn’t know her new Facebook flatmates at all. Enter Logan and Becca – and Flynn, but he decided he wasn’t hungry on the day – who were only too willing to spin a yarn over a free feed about flat chore rosters and nark on Lily’s supposed pre-morning coffee grumpiness. “I wish I lived here, though,” says Becca, wistfully gazing at the double-glazed windows.
Grab a copy of next week’s issue to find out how Lily and Joel’s flat date stacks up with Brad’s (with REAL flatmates). And, more importantly, what yummy kai we order $180 worth of. Cheers!