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Though we all prefer the comforts of home when relieving ourselves, there will inevitably be times when you are forced to use a public bathroom (or run the risk of bursting a pipe). At such times, it is important to stay calm and collected as you take care of business. Done incorrectly, this can be an entirely traumatising experience. Follow these simple instructions to ensure that everything runs as smoothly as possible.

The sheer amount of arse-traffic public restrooms see on a daily basis is enough to guarantee that they remain some of the filthiest places on Earth. That, and the fact that everyone (except you) is a total pig. Do not touch anything with your bare hands – you will get AIDS and die. If you must touch anything, make sure there is a barrier of at least three layers of tissue between it and your skin, including the toilet seat. Try to avoid sitting down at all: hover just above the seat where possible. Also, don’t pull your pants down all the way, lest they touch the floor. Ew.

Despite the disease-ridden squalor of public toilets, they somehow remain very popular. This means that at any one time there could be lines of people waiting. Time your ablutions so that there are very few people around. Not only will this allow you to excrete at a leisurely pace, it also means that you won’t have to walk in and do your business while someone else’s stank still lingers in the air. If the darling before you left the lavatory looking like a Jackson Pollock painting, it can be quite awkward explaining to the next person that it honestly wasn’t you, swear to God! Do your utmost to secure some hang time before/after use. It’s in everyone’s best interests.

Just because the commode is already gross doesn’t mean you ought to make it worse. One by one, we can make the world’s public bathrooms better places by observing proper etiquette and hoping that others will follow suit. You can make a difference. Flush your stuff when you leave – it’s really not as impressive as you think. If you’d like to bring along your own toilet paper, fine. Please refrain from unrolling all of it and stuffing in the sink or letting it congeal on the floor. Why do you do that?

It may not be your house, but smearing blood/ faeces/ boogers/ puke on the walls is still indescribably feral. Chill the fuck out. Finally, always wear some form of footwear in public restrooms (unless you have warts and would like to share them with others). The floor is the catch-all for whatever unspeakable things went down in there before you showed up. Seriously, just ew.