Features

New Zealand, a land of jagged snow-capped mountains, deep blue lakes, wild wind-swept coastlines, and lush sheep-speckled pastures. New Zealand is known for its natural wonders – but is there any wonder to be found in our urban wildernesses? Our official tourism website insists that “Today, Kiwis are as likely to visit an Asian restaurant or modern art gallery as they are to attend a rugby game or milk a cow!” Susan Smirk joins the dubious quest to prove this nation is a global equal, by investigating New Zealand’s ten official cities.

 
 
They might say size doesn't matter, but poor little New Zealand knows better. Most of New Zealand's cities are not even cities at all by international standards. Historically, in Europe, a 'city' was any place with a cathedral. That definition would give us nine cities all up. According to Statistics New Zealand: "A city [...] must have a minimum population of 50 000, be predominantly urban in character, be a distinct entity and a major centre of activity within the region." Going by this, we have ten ‘cities’ – that’s ten glorious urban hubs, ten centres of metropolitan wonder, ten shiny silver jungles! “Oh joy,” cry the desperate country-folk. We will now briefly explore the highlights and lowlights of each of these cities as they vie for your eye and your cash over the break.
 
AUCKLAND: City of Sails
Population: 1 333 300
Advertising Pitch: We are bigger than anywhere else, and therefore better!
 
The city of Auckland is the bright beacon of cosmopolitan hope for a nation of backwards hillbillies and sheep farmers. Or at least that’s what they seem to think.
Auckland certainly offers the closest thing New Zealand has to a 'big city' vibe: there are more than three men and a dog living there, and there are plenty of shiny buildings, shopping, and fancy cafes and restaurants sitting aside that admittedly lovely waterfront. Auckland certainly gets more events and concerts than anywhere else, and has over three times as many people.
Auckland has the biggest Polynesian population of any city in the world. Of course Mangere probably isn't the best place to observe Pacific culture at its best. Alongside this, a 'sizeable' Asian community is also apparently enough to term the city 'multicultural’ – or at least more so than the backwards settlements further south.
But this city of sails is also a city of fails. Traffic sucks, and they insist in taxing the rest of the country through the nose to fix it. There's plenty of crime and scandal to have the wrinkly Ponsonby elite tsk-tsking for their rest of their lives. 
The city is vast and sprawling. People can (and do, I suspect) live for years without ever having to leave their suburb. The Lonely Planet suggests that you get to know Auckland by heading for the “rows of Victorian and Edwardian villas in its hip inner-city suburbs.” Okay, so which Auckland councillor paid them off? Someone was obviously desperate to hide the rows of sub-standard state-housing in the city’s run-down outer-suburbs.
 
Little-known fact: Auckland was initially known as ‘Tamaki Makau Rau', meaning 'a maiden with 100 lovers'. You skanky thing, Auckland. We’re watching you. 
 
To do:
• Visit the Skytower. Spend some time marvelling at it, and wondering what it could possibly be compensating for.
• Go to Piha beach: setting of the show Beach Patrol and one of the most dangerous beaches in the country, it nevertheless continues to draw crowds of enthusiastic JAFAs every weekend. 
 
CHRISTCHURCH: The Garden City
Population: 386 100
Advertising Pitch: We are green (but our blood is blue!)
 
Situated on the edge of the vast Canterbury plains, the conservative city of Christchurch calls the masses in for a taste of Mother England. As the name suggests, Christchurch has always trailed eagerly behind the old country, trying to be the most English of all New Zealand cities. With punting on the Avon River, a number of trams rattling along Worcester Street, and an enormous Anglican Cathedral sitting in the town square, I think they succeed, too. 
Apparently Christchurch has been slower to embrace 'multicultural NZ' than other cities (read: still racist). The straight-laced city does have its kinky side, with a high concentration of sex shops, Manchester street mistresses, and a propensity for very, very short skirts. 
The endlessly flat suburbs can easily become disorientating, so, you intrepid city-goers preparing to dominate the garden city, take a GPS, or a homing pigeon. On the upside, you can walk and bike everywhere – the Garden City gets the eco thumbs-up. Ironically however, as it is in geographical bowl of sorts, Christchurch still has quite a bad smog problem.
 
TO DO: 
• Visit the Arts Centre. Buy fudge.
• Sit in Cathedral Square and listen to the soap-box speakers.
• Orana Wildlife Park!
• The Antarctic Centre!
• Leave.
 
 
WELLINGTON: The Windy City
Population: 386 000
Advertising Pitch: Important stuff happens here, and there's art.
 
I’m sure you all feel a stirring of patriotism when you think of this, our nation’s capital. Wellington is hilly but relatively compact, and like most New Zealand cities it sits by a beautiful natural harbour. 
This arty, colourful, diverse (read: weird) city hosts a strange mix of politicians, students, and other important people. There are plenty both quirky and chic shops, bars, eateries, theatres, and galleries. You are rarely stuck for an interesting or alternative event to attend. Wellington is also fast transforming into 'Wellywood', with Weta Studios pushing it to the forefront of creative visual media.
Apart from all the hot air surrounding the Beehive, there is the actual wind to worry about. Wellington is one of the world's windiest cities, actually a lot windier than many other southern cities like Cape Town or Perth. 
 
To do: 
• Take the cablecar to the top of the hill. Enjoy the view. Don’t get blown off. 
• Te Papa.
• Te Mama.
• Anyone but John Key.
 
HAMILTON:
Population: 168 800
Advertising Pitch: It's leafy. 
 
This is New Zealand's largest inland city. There’s a bit of greenery and a few sports teams ... and that was about all the information I could find. No one can work out quite why this place turned into a population base, but it did. 
 
Little-known fact: Richard O'Brien, the writer of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, lived in Hamilton for a while. In 2004 they put up a bronze statue of him as Riff Raff in his space suit.
 
To do: 
• Waitomo Caves.
• Pose with the statue and post it on Facebook for much kudos.
 
 
NAPIER-HASTINGS: 
Population: 123 200
Advertising Pitch: We are the art deco capital!... because an earthquake wiped out everything that was here prior to that.
 
Napier is most famous for the whopping great earthquake that hit it in 1931. Hence it had to rebuilt, which ended in a distinctly art-deco looking city, as they are quick to inform anyone who comes near. In their spare time they play golf and breed gannets. Probably not at the same time. 
 
 
TAURANGA: 
Population: 118 200
Advertising Pitch: Great weather.
 
Tauranga overtook Dunedin for population size in 2008. It is one of New Zealand's fastest growing cities, and the biggest in the Bay of Plenty region. They also grow kiwifruit there. Those must be connected, surely!
 
DUNEDIN: The Edinburgh of the South
Population: 115 700
Advertising pitch: Have a riot!
 
We are just like Scotland: cold, wet, and still reluctantly enslaved to her Majesty. Also we occasionally don a kilt and gobble down some stuffed sheep intestines. We also have a chocolate factory that has recently laid off most of its staff and which has obese cartoon characters plastered over its windows as a marketing ploy. On the upside, our peninsula is great, and you can see a lot of wildlife, or visit some great beaches.
Alternatively you can join the wildlife on Castle Street. The Lonely Planet travel guide suggests that you use Dunedin to “escape the crowds of Queenstown.” However if you are looking for some peace and quiet, obviously there is a significant part of North Dunedin which you need to avoid. Even the Lonely Planet notes Dunedin as a “definitive student party town.” One website admitted that in the holidays it is “pretty dead.”
 
TO DO:
• Go up and down Baldwin Street. Though not in a wheelie bin. Seriously.
• See cute fluffy albatross chicks at Taiaroa Head.
 
PALMERSTON NORTH:
Population: 80 700
Advertising Pitch: Youthful (?)
 
Palmerston North has a university, so assumedly there are some young people there. But it also has a primarily rural atmosphere which one could describe with a number of terms ranging from 'idyllic' or 'pastoral' to 'hicksville.' It's flat in good old Palmy – the city is a relatively compact collection of grid-lined blocks. On the upside (see what we did there?) you can go rollerblading … or so I was told by overly enthusiastic residents. I was too frightened to ask whether people actually did that or not.
 
Little-known fact: 
The locals have an ongoing feud with John Cleese. In 2007 they named a pile of refuse at the landfill Mt Cleese, after he offended them a year earlier by calling Palmerston North the “suicide capital of NZ” and saying he had a “bloody miserable time” staying there. He finished the skit by suggesting that"[i]f you wish to kill yourself but lack the courage to, I think a visit to Palmerston North will do the trick".
 
To do:
• Cow-tipping.
• Rollerblading.
• Graffiti rude things about John Cleese.
 
 
NELSON: 
Population: 59 200
Advertising Pitch: It's nice.
 
Websites are quick to tell wannabe Nelson-goers that they needn't fear crime or cruelty here – Nelson is safe and friendly. But so is your Grandma's house. They also do lots of crafts (again, not dissimilar to Grandma). Nelson has a lot of Victorian features, but unlike Nan's, it's a centre for ecotourism and adventure tourism, being close to some absolutely stunning national parks, bays and beaches. If you get really stuck, there are 22 wineries in and around Nelson. That combined with over 2500 sunshine hours a year (the highest rate in the country) could make a visit to Nelson very nice indeed.
 
 
ROTORUA: Sulphur City
Population: 55 600
Advertising Pitch: Smelly, steamy, sticky, muddy, gassy, etc, etc ...
 
Rotorua smells. It does! Now I am not trying to put you off visiting this, the tourist hub of the North, but it does take a few days to get used to the rotten egg stench. However this is just the price you pay for amazing natural wonders and thermal pools.
Rotorua is a cultural centre as well, meaning that many tourists leave with exciting stories of ‘authentic’ natives performing Haka for money. Nevertheless it is one of our main tourist destinations. Of course, that's the lasting impression you want to leave with your international visitors: geysers, hotpools, and one hell of a stink!