Who do you trust more: a kid that’s never tried broccoli but insists he doesn’t like it, or a kid who says he doesn’t like it because he’s tried it once? Anyway, in this editorial I’m going to explain why it’s less gay to suck one dick than it is to never suck a dick at all.
I heard someone explain this once and it’s stuck with me ever since. Now, I know that plenty of people will know exactly where their internal sexual compass is pointing, and this isn’t written for those people. This is written for the people that pound the table with their fists and yell about how much they hate broccoli even though they've never tried it, even though broccoli isn’t even on the menu right now, and actually this conversation was about ice skating, not broccoli, and they’re the one who keeps bringing up broccoli for some reason, even though they said that they hate it and want nothing to do with it. Those people. You know the type.
I just don’t trust it. Because I find that, often, the most vocal broccoli-haters are also the people that have a secret broccoli folder on their computer and who spend their late nights in bed imagining all the dirty, filthy things they’d do to that broccoli if they only had a chance. How they’d teach that leafy green head a lesson and smother it with a creamy, nutty sauce. Yeah, that’s the one. Give it what it deserves. But no! Broccoli is disgusting. Evil. Not to be touched.
I don’t trust these people. The people I trust are the ones who say they don’t like it because they’ve tried it at least once. Maybe they didn’t eat the whole stalk, maybe they just nibbled on the outside and knew it wasn’t for them. But that’s enough to convince me. Besides, people who are really into broccoli don’t spend their days going around trying to tell everyone about how amazing broccoli is. This would be difficult, as their mouths are usually full (of broccoli).
No - you know who talks about broccoli the most? It’s the people who say they hate it, the same people who have never actually tried it and are somehow upset by what’s going on in someone else’s kitchen. These people spend an awful lot of time thinking about something they say is disgusting, and even more time telling other people just how much they hate it. And look, if you want to tell me how much you hate broccoli, you’d better be ready to tell me why. Because right now what you’re telling me is that you just hate the concept of eating broccoli, which is a weird thing to hate, as the concept of eating broccoli can’t actually hurt you. “But they didn’t eat broccoli in the Bible!” Yeah, well, I think Jesus was pretty indiscriminate when it came to people’s vegetable preferences.
When we were kids, lots of us said that we hated broccoli. It was almost a badge of pride. When we grew up, we realised that we were only saying that because our friends were saying the same thing, and that broccoli is actually very versatile and nutritious and it’s usually pretty cheap.
So if you’ve never tried it, there’s never been a better time to have your no-thank-you bite. And until you do, stop saying you don’t like it.