If the KGB are vodka and lemon, the CIA must be a shot of fireball delivered via lead into the back of your brain.
KGBs are at the forefront of RTD supremacy. They are neck and neck with Billy Mav’s, each vying for the title of “favourite alcoholic beverage of the unwashed masses”. KGB drinkers and Mav drinkers are bitter enemies, with each tribe occupying different ends of the “fat idiot” spectrum. And as an unwashed fat idiot of the bourbon variety, it’s no surprise I think KGBs suck so bad.
These things don’t taste like battery acid, but battery acid was definitely used at some point in their production. I’m pretty sure the lemons came from a tree fertilised with AA batteries. They taste like they share the production floor with Ajax surface cleaner, where the factory manager has a pretty blasé stance when it comes to cross-contamination. These give me a headache by the fourth can. Your mouth feels entirely coated in some kind of primer. If you’ve ever sprayed deodorant in your mouth, it feels a bit like that, especially on your teeth. With a name like KGB, don’t act surprised when you’re secretly poisoned.
The people that drink these cans are waging a war of attrition against their liver. Spongebob looks like that because of jaundice brought about by abusing KGBs in his early twenties. At least Cruisers have the courtesy of being bright in colour, like a tracer round that runs through your body so you can assess the damage based on how vibrantly coloured your excrement is. KGBs flow through unnoticed, masked by an air of lemony acid, only for you to wake up in the morning feeling absolutely devastated. There’s no sector of your biology that the vodka hasn’t been able to vandalise.
No party is complete without a 6’4’’, 120kg guy hogging the beer pong table and making all of the cups taste like his KGBs. Go be humongous somewhere else you communist, I’m trying to make all of the cups taste like bourbon. It’s always funny when people complain about the taste of someone else’s alcohol in beer pong cups, as if the cups haven’t been sitting in a colony of black mould after going months unwashed.
You’ve always had to be some kind of stupid to drink a coffin of Billy Mavs, but now with a coffin going for $52 (Liquorland Leith Street), you have to be downright ignorant. If you see a breatha running around with a coffin, just know they spent over $50 to make it seem like they’re a hooligan. I must forfeit, and give KGBs the nod.
Tasting notes: Like someone dropped their vape in a vat of icebreaker.
Chugability: 6/10. “Bleugh” - some guy trying to chug a KGB.
Hangover depression level: 10/10. My head and throat feel like they slept inside of an active microwave.
Overall: 3/10. They’re still better than Tui Vodka, Lime & Soda.