These days, it's far too cold to walk to campus from Harbour Terrace. You don’t want to take the bus (because that involves waiting) so you decide to take your car which, let's be real, has no WOF and is probably due for a service – but that's a problem for Future You! Given that it's winter, ice tends to form pretty quickly on windscreens, and yours is no exception. Despite what your mates say about you, you’re not as thick as you look and aren’t willing to drive blind. Critic has your back, with five (plus) ways to defrost your windscreen.
Note: Critic Te Ārohi takes no legal responsibility for any accident, injury, or breaches of New Zealand law that occur due to you doing some of the stupid shit listed below.
1. Leave something on it overnight
An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure, so why not make it so you don't need to scrape at all? Lay a blanket or a cardboard box over the windscreen so no ice can form, making your life that much easier!
2. Scrape it off with your student ID
Get to work! Use your student ID to hack away at the ice on your windshield (bonus points for bumping ‘The Frozen Heart (Ice Worker’s song)’ from Frozen whilst doing this) and you'll be ready to go in no time.
3. Turn your AC on to warm the glass + wipers
Are you rich? Do you use Mummy and Daddy’s fuel card? Then this one will work a treat for you! Leave your car running whilst you have your double shot frappajappachino that your live-in nanny made for you, and let the wipers and the air conditioning do the work for you. Only the poor people do manual labour – at least that's what Daddy says.
4. Flamethrower
Fuck it, we ball. Use a Lynx can, fly spray, a water gun filled with diesel (DO NOT USE PETROL) and hold a lighter in front of it. You can also watch Mad Max for inspiration. Now point that bad little motherfucker at your car and pray you don’t fuck it up, cos if you do, insurance WILL NOT cover you.
5. Water (not boiling)
Pour water – not boiling, for the love of God – on your windscreen, and scrape the ice off (apparently the DCC has free scrapers if you’re precious about your student ID). The water should make it a bit more compliant. If not, just do another step, because being committed to something that isn't working is kinda stupid. I think that’s what Einstein said, anyway.
Honourable Mentions
1. Set your car on fire
Nuff said.
2. Don’t have a windscreen
I mean this is pretty explanatory. No windscreen = no ice.