Initial Impressions
It’s 6pm on the 26th of July when Joel approaches the Critic Te Ārohi office for the first group date. His eyes flick around nervously, adjusting his tie and shifting his weight from foot to foot. Navy blazer, pristine white shirt, coordinated trousers. He’s got nothing to worry about.
Micah is the first to enter the villa. Sorry – Critic foyer. He’s about seven minutes early, enough to get a potentially-unfair headstart on the other singles. He and Joel bond over their twinning navy suits, though Micah’s is a panic op-shop buy after being told the date would require formal attire, evidenced by the shoelace belt. He jokes to Joel that he only applied for future “dad lore”.
The pair are ushered into the Critic office, which has been decorated with neon signs, fairy lights, and $550 worth of sushi (thank you Delivereasy). A carefully curated playlist by resident Critic muso Jordan plays in the background, featuring songs such as Marvin Gaye’s ‘Sexual Healing’. Forgive our forwardness.
Jessica arrives soon after, prompting Joel to ditch Micah. He steps forward and envelops her in a confident embrace. “You look great,” he says earnestly. Jess smiles up at him. They look great together. However, the sweet moment doesn’t last long before a new single comes through the door. Gabi enters – and nervous tension rises. Joel seems to fumble, and Gabi makes a quip about talking to women being “really hard”. Joel gives her a quick hug before looking deep into her eyes and telling her that she looks “great”. In fact, he tells all of the remaining singles that they look great. It comes across a lot less earnest the 9th time around – but it’s really the thought that counts.
All singles eventually arrive at the office other than Milly, who has come down with a very nasty flu. Milly has messaged Joel directly to tell him the bad news. Forlorn and quickly losing hope, the casting team take pity on Joel and allow Milly to automatically make it through to the next date. However, it won’t be so breezy for the rest of the singles. It’s time for some good old-fashioned speed dating.
Speed Dating
After some mingling, the singles are banished to Radio One – functioning for the evening as the holding area – as each are invited one by one for two minutes of speed-dating heaven with Joel Tebbs. The only thing separating them from Joel is a glass bowl filled with conversation starters. Let the games begin!
Hannah is the first to volunteer. She brings an origami fortune teller with her. “This bitch is gonna win,” Gabi tells us. It’s a risky move – will it pay off?
Joel chooses his way into telling Hannah two truths and a lie about himself, something he’s able to come up with impressively quickly. They continue to make small-talk, but the two minutes goes fast. Hannah exits the office, leaving Joel with his thoughts (and me). “It’s the first date, it’s a little bit tough to get into the swing of things,” he tells me. “The fortune teller thing was cool, it was really creative. Hannah has a lot of creativity.” He pauses. “Creativity might just be hard to execute in the moment,” he concludes.
Lily’s up next. She and Joel get straight into it – none of those 120 seconds are to go to waste! With an eyebrow raised, Lily asks what the weirdest thing Joel finds attractive is. Dramatic pause. “Slow walkers,” he finally responds. He doesn’t expand. Lily is “lovely” and made a “good first impression,” Joel tells us once she’s been squirrelled back to Radio One. “I’m more in the swing of things,” he muses. “These questions have been really hard to answer on the spot.” You’re doing a great job, Joel!
Micah strolls in. The pair sit closely on the couch, Micah seemingly unafraid to break the touch-barrier (and needing to both fit within the vertical iPhone frame filming them). The first question to come up again is what Joel finds weirdly attractive. “Slow walkers,” he tells Micah, refusing to elaborate once again. “You like a prance?,” Micah wonders. Joel moves on to the next question. They talk about whether love at first sight is possible, with Joel saying he thinks it’s possible to have that “spark from the beginning”. Has there been that spark with any of the singles tonight?
Then comes Gabi. Joel reveals that he might be convinced into sleeping with a cloned version of himself, which Gabi responds by calling it “incest on another level”. They have a great vibe between them, perhaps unsurprisingly, due to their apparent “history”. She’s asserted that Joel can’t “friend zone her twice”. When confronted about this, Joel reacts with surprise, saying they’d only been to one event together – over a year ago. “Gabi is so fun, full of energy. Really colourful,” he smiles.
Brad (studying a PhD in colorectal cancer immunology) is next. He values intellectualism, prompting Joel to suggestively ask for him to “teach him some stuff”. “If you could instantly learn a skill or talent, what would you choose?” asks Brad. “I’d probably become an expert in bowel cancer, actually,” Joel jokes. Brad giggles. “Smooth,” he replies, quietly adding, “Smooth bowel.”
Charlotte graces the hot seat, and suddenly – Joel becomes vulnerable. When once again considering the weirdest thing he believed as a child, he reflects on his fear of being sent to the “boy-girl soup factory” by his parents. “What?,” replies Charlotte. Their two minutes are up. Joel calls Charlotte “really stunning” and that he “fucks with” her values of empathy.
He hints toward making biking plans with Charlotta, and bonds with Olivia over a shared love of country music. Joel reveals that his top artist last year was Harry Styles. But some conversations did not go so smoothly. When asked what her pet peeve is, Jessica tells Joel that she hates slow walkers – something Joel is in fact “weirdly attracted to”. His expression of shock is photo-worthy. Trouble in paradise? Will this be the end of Jessica’s romantic journey with Joel?
After speed-dating concludes, the singles and Joel are released from the Radio One holding pen to mingle around the mountain of sushi in the Critic office. The conversation is diplomatic, Joel seemingly out-extroverted by the singles. He sits back on the couch, looking a little overwhelmed. The group talk about their favourite music artists, with Olivia thoughtfully remembering that Joel’s is Harry Styles.
Jessica talks about how she likes Taylor Swift, but “isn’t some crazy obsessed fan”. Hannah looks a little miffed, before turning her phone around to reveal the one and only T-Swift as her phone background. Fuuuuck.
Things aren’t awkward for long though. The music turns down, and the conversation halts. Joel is ready to make his choice.
The Ceremony
The time has come for the rose ceremony, and nervous laughter fills the silence. All the singles line up before Joel in the foyer. “This is actually a really tough decision, don’t take this the wrong way,” Joel frets. “It’s been a really fun night.”
Charlotte is the first pick. “Will you accept this rose?,” Joel asks, holding a fake peony. Charlotte nods gracefully, moving to stand by his side. Joel continues to hand out roses to the rest of the singles until only three remain: Olivia, Hannah and Charlotta. Pausing to look down at his feet, he calls Olivia’s name. “Sorry,” he says to Hannah and Charlotta. “I didn’t think it was gonna be that hard. That sucked.”
Meeting them outside, we ask Hannah and Charlotta how they’re feeling. “I mean, I was the first one up. He probably forgot about me,” says Hannah. “There’s someone else out there [for me], hit me up. Put my number in the Critic,” she laughs, before telling us to not actually do that.
“It didn’t go badly… But I guess others went better,” Charlotta shrugs. “Someone will laugh at this – I’ve been on two dates with a different guy and I wanted to see him again but was on Bachelor. He said that he hopes I lose, so he’ll be happy!” Win some, lose some. Charlotta was here to find love, and maybe she will after all.
Finally, we talk to Joel. He seems relieved to have it over with and is running high on adrenaline (and so, so much sushi). “I think the dates went quite well. They definitely felt a little bit awkward at the start getting into the swing of it all. Picking who to continue on with was awful and seeing Hannah and Charlotta go was quite unfortunate.” Despite this, Joel says that he “can’t wait to see where the rest of us make it. The group dates should be quite fun.”
Well, that’s all folks. Tune in next issue to hear about the next group date, where Joel will need to send another two singles home to make the most of their Delivereasy voucher consolation prize.