Aquarius
Taking a break from reality can sometimes do more good than harm, so absolutely check out this week. Be the personification of lights on, no one home. You may regret it next month, but you can claw yourself out of that pit when you come to it.
Late-night side quest: Eat gummy vitamins and sleep a solid eight hours
Pisces
The visions you’ve been getting are from your meds being off balance and not because you are clairvoyant. Maybe have a vision about going to the doctor or not taking MDMA on a Saturday night for once in your life.
Late-night side quest: Eat-seven-packs-of-noodles-in-one-sitting challenge
Aries
Start a new obscure sport, like hopscotch or hobby horsing. You have backed yourself into a niche of the kinds of people you meet and it is starting to reflect in how you talk to those around you. So go out and meet some weird people because weird doesn't necessarily mean bad.
Late-night side quest: Host your own boiler room
Taurus
Cold weather means getting those thumbs texting your bed warming roster. It’ll be a chilly few nights if you don't get ahead of the competition. While you are snuggled up in bed, you may as well take the time to catch up on the cardio you have been so sorely lacking.
Late-night side quest: Call your mum crying about life in general
Gemini
Go off-grid for the rest of this week. Everyone is sick of hearing your constant complaining (including you) and the awkward jokes are just as unfunny as you’re afraid they are. It’s a sign for a reset. Rest, breathe, reconnect – then come back to society better than ever.
Late-night side quest: Ride to Port Chalmers on a stolen bike
Cancer
A lasting love is on the horizon for you, and it may be with someone closer than you think. Keep an open mind and remember you are deserving of all the love in the world, even if you don’t think you are.
Late-night side quest: Play Roblox
Leo
Serious question, Leo: do you wash your hands after you pee? If you don't, you'll lose your phone charger and accidentally send your landlord a nude just before your phone dies. But there’s still time to make a change! 20 seconds minimum. Sing the chorus of Mr. Brightside if you have to.
Late-night side quest: Deep clean your laptop
Virgo
Your to-do list may be long and full of trivial stuff, but you have the motivation to get it done quick as hell. If only you had this much motivation and drive when it came to important things, like your degree and spending time with your loved ones.
Late-night side quest: Pavlov your flatmates into cleaning up your toast crumbs
Libra
Your dream board is gathering dust every minute and the year feels like it is nearly over. Get to planning that trip to Invercargill that you have always (secretly) wanted to go on. You may even see the rare sight of a couple that aren't cousins.
Late-night side quest: Become an Uber driver
Scorpio
This week, you are a rock to those closest to you. While you’re busy being a shoulder to cry on, make sure to take time for yourself and remember that everyone has tough times. During yours, rest assured you have a great support system.
Late-night side quest: Prank call the head of your department
Sagittarius
Nature is calling. Get your thermals on, take your hayfever medication, and go and sit in the botans for nine hours. Once you find the meaning of life, you can buy a van and live in it for the rest of your life. Peace at last!
Late-night side quest: Learn a Shakespeare monologue and perform it in the Pint Night mosh
Capricorn
Cancel all subscriptions you have. Netflix and Amazon are using your data to create a clone army that will try to take over Stewart Island – they will of course fail, but the rise of robot clones is enough to make you think about throwing your phone away.
Late-night side quest: Drink water at a party while pretending it’s alcohol