Finally, Joel and the singles are out of the cold and into the warm embrace of XYZ Bar. It’s 6:30pm on a Wednesday, and the bar feels liminal without the usual thrum of drunk students on a Saturday night. Music plays at an awkward volume and the light-up dance floor flickers invitingly.
Joel, Micah, and Jess are the first to arrive. Lily and Brad have already indicated that they’ll be fashionably late. The casting team, a couple of bartenders, and I stare down the trio, waiting for something to happen. Joel clears his throat before asking what everyone’s drink of choice is. “Probably a Dirty Shirley,” chirps Micah. I’ll save you the Google search - it’s just a Shirley Temple with vodka. Jessica indicates that she’s partial toward a vodka raspberry or cranberry. She’s truly one of the girlies for that.
Eventually, we wander to the bar and all grab a drink. Joel orders a Long Island Iced Tea, joking that he’s “going to need it.” The casting team orders a Jessica Rabbit, described as being “liquid cocaine” by the bartender. “We gotta get prepared for the karaoke,” Jess laughs. In case you were unaware, dear reader, XYZ has many attractions other than two cracking bars and three stories, such as karaoke and a mechanical bull. It’s gonna be a great night.
Micah, deciding not to order a drink (he’s going to the gym later) begins scrolling through the karaoke catalogue. “They have everything,” he says, eyes full of wonder. “Anything about love?” Nina (Editor/Producer) suggests, peeking over his shoulder. Brad rocks up, ordering a glass of wine. He’s nothing if not classy.
Joel suggests that we start “doing some duos” for karaoke, and everyone is unanimous in their agreement. Despite this, nobody moves to pick up a microphone. Maybe Joel’s waiting for the Long Island to hit his bloodstream. I sip my liquid cocaine expectantly. “I think we should all go up,” Joel says. Joel and Brad end up grabbing a microphone to sing a lovely rendition of ‘SOS’ by ABBA. It sounded almost exactly like the real thing!
Jess and Micah tackle ‘Bohemian Rhapsody' next, reminding everyone just how long the song is. Six minutes, and something about a mama, later, Lily arrives, somewhat scandalously dragging in a couple of Radio One members behind her. Are we really that boring, Lily? Despite this, she’s up on the dancefloor in a flash with Jess, singing a lovely and very original version of Sabrina Carpenter’s ‘Please Please Please’.
The mood simmers down once more, with the casting team and Radio One staff pretty much taking over the karaoke. The singles begin glancing down at their phones. How can we reignite the spark? Well, what’s a better way to shake things up than being thrown off a mechanical bull? With a “come on y’all” from the casting team, everyone makes their way upstairs.
The Bull
The first red flag of the date didn’t actually arise from any of the singles or Joel, but rather the waiver we all had to sign before even getting near the bull. Everyone is instructed to take off their jewellery, being warned that even earrings may be “savagely ripped out” by the mechanical beast. “How much of this do I need to take off?” complains Lily, creating a glistening pile of rings and bracelets that the dragon from Lord of the Rings would be proud of.
Brad is first to sign and mount the steed. He’s a real keen bean, fantastic in the saddle. He lasts a total of 30 seconds. “It was fun! It just kind of hurts. My pants are really slippery,” he tells me, walking now with a noticeable hobble. Lily, Jess, and Micah all accomplish scores in the high 20’s – nothing to sniff at given the unbridled violence of the bull. The waiver is making perfect sense now.
Finally, Joel mounts the bull, wearing a bedazzled pink cowboy hat. The nervous tension in the air is only broken by Lily’s supportive shouts of, “Let’s go, Joel!” The bull twists and turns, but he refuses to be thrown. After a valiant 44 seconds, he hits the floor. Various congratulatory remarks are given, and everyone agrees that they’re pretty sore and beaten after that one. We make our way back downstairs, knowing what’s to come.
Rose Ceremony
I’ll let you in on a little secret. Unfortunately, the roses were forgotten back at the office for tonight’s date, forcing the casting team to push their innovation skills to the limits. Instead, wine glasses (filled with water) will be handed to the lucky singles, with Joel asking if they will accept the drink.
“At this point, I mean, we’re all friends, right?” begins Joel, diplomatic as ever. “No harsh feelings at all, anyone. We can all be friends, right?” he says, sounding a little desperate. The singles stare back at him, nodding empathetically. “This first glass…” he starts, glancing between the four. ‘Kiss From A Rose’ plays softly in the background.
“Brad, will you accept this drink?” asks Joel. Brad nods and moves to accept the glass. “You have to skull it,” orders Joel, for no apparent reason. Brad knocks it back.
Lily is next to be offered a drink, and she too skulls it. Why is this happening? Joel pauses, looking between Micah and Jess. Maybe he’s gauging who looks the most thirsty. “Micah, will you accept this drink?”. Micah nods, and also skulls it back. Jess is applauded. “Aw. It’s all good. No worries,” she says, hugging Joel. “It’s been fun.”
“It’s okay,” Jess tells us later. “It had to be someone, and I’ve just enjoyed my time anyway.” She’s a great sport – and an even greater bull rider.
When asked as to how she felt the date went, Lily admits, “I don’t think I did as well as I thought I would [on the bull] [...] I think that’s because I’m wearing a mini-skirt and not jeans. So, that probably wasn’t an intelligent decision. But it was a total high doing karaoke with Joel. We bonded there.” Peaks and troughs.
We check in with Joel, too. “I reckon tonight’s date went way better than expected. I didn’t think I was a fan of karaoke until tonight [...] I had a great time singing some songs. The duos were great.” He considers his low of the night. “I hear that the weekly best for the bull ride is 94 seconds. I only got 44 seconds. I find it really hard to imagine [staying on for 94 seconds]. I would love to be back to give that a try.” Well, if you need Joel, you know where he’ll be.
Everyone continues to make small talk as their respective Ubers are booked and arrive. Usually, I’d end the article here. But I have another secret for you. Micah and Joel can be heard making plans for a joint supermarket trip for after the date. Is this shit rigged? How can Lily and Brad compete with such levels of domestic bliss? Guess you’ll have to find out in the next issue ;)