The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails.

Shakira 

On a chilly Thursday night, gut-wrenched, I found myself sitting across from a curly-haired surfer dude who we all once wished we were. I will say, I never understood the sex appeal of a moustache until we met. Also, he came in for a hug before I sat down, I mean what a gent. Diving straight in, we discussed his intrepid excursion to the Maldives for his geography masters testing how sand blew in the wind? I will confess, I was a bit confused.

While we ate dinner, with funky jazz music playing, his lecturer and many others put on a performance with what looked like ballroom with a weird twist? We shared dessert, and I lost my crème brŭlée virginity that night, he even let me crack the top of it. Our date at the restaurant ended with a glass of pinot noir then walked to Social Club where I met some of his friends, flatmates and crew from his band. Then karaoke was on the cards, Vivace really did bring it home that night. Four other girls were there. Proud to call them our “Wishbone Cafe hype squad,” they earned it with the energy they brought, then later a couple showed up and the man serenaded his wife, it really was beautiful. After doing a duet to White Flag” by Dido, he whipped out “Monster” by Nicki, he knew every lyric I truly couldn’t fault it, he ended with what looked like could have been the splits but wasn’t. I was impressed. I had a go at “Hips Don’t Lie” but it wasn’t nearly as impressive. He left to get more song tickets then said he’d bought two shots, I’d told him I probably shouldn’t have any more to drink, he then said “Don’t worry I’ve already had them”. He did mention previously that he was a big fan of karaoke. The night came to a close, he walked me home, I invited him in to have a look at my artwork on the walls to prove it wasn’t a facade. After showing him my humble abode I whipped out the hula-hoop, his hips didn’t lie, I’m sure he can practice. Walking him out we exchanged numbers and agreed upon possibly seeing each other again.

So, when I applied for the blind date I promised a life drawing of the lucky man, as I did not succeed I felt guilty and did a post-it note drawing whilst tipsy. I woke up to it the next morning. It was terrible. Thanks Dog With Two Tails and Critic she sure was a faaaab night!

Kanye

First of all, to all you perverts that read blind date for their weekly fix of softcore erotica I’m sorry to leave you sorely disappointed. A slightly tipsy, slightly nervous lad was chaperoned to the blind date by two flatmates who had curated the perfect playlist to calm anyone’s nerves (Kanye, Netsky and Dave Guetta). Arriving first, I made the first power play by seating myself facing away from the entrance – mysterious. The wonderful Miss Waimate arrived not two minutes later, as the cacophonous (turn your fucking guitar down) jazz band began to set up.

I’ll admit it’s been a while since I’ve been on a date, but my nerves were slowly put to rest. Both coming from small towns riddled with orchards allowed a peachy place for conversation to start (Cromwell vs. Waimate – you decide). To be honest, it was a wonderful date accompanied by genuine conversation. But that makes for a boring read up in Critic, doesn’t it? You sick fucks, all you want is to read about some alcohol-fuelled display of impotence.

After the band reached the crescendo of their performance we decided to head off to Vivace for some karaoke. I had some Yeezy flavoured tricks up my sleeve and a girl to impress.
I was treated to a world-class performance of Shakira (Shakira Shakira) and I’ve gotta say esas caderas no mienten (thanks Google Translate). As per usual, I absolutely killed Nicki’s verse in “Monster”. On the way home we talked creative outlets and I was captivated by Shakira’s passion for tasteful nude portraits. Sign me up.

I had an absolute waazoo of a time, thanks Te Arohi, thanks Dog With Two Tails and thank you to my wonderful date! Keep an eye on that phone of yours.

PS Even though you’re a vegetarian, thanks for eating my ass.