The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello.

If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz

Campus

The bartender told me that if I fucked this up he would be right behind me, next in line - because my blind date was stunning. He wasn’t delusional either, she was indeed a very good-looking lass (even better with no clothes on). 

She lacked a filter, was a little bit crazy and her flatmates sitting behind us gave me the thumbs up on more than one occasion.

The small talk escalated quickly to what we were going to say about our blind date. We both agreed to lie and anal came up a bit too many times for me not get suspicious that maybe there was a chance there would be no need to lie. We nailed our drinks in the form of tequila shots. She ate a steak, I had the venison. We were subconsciously preparing for the meat we were about to eat back at hers. As we left I think she sensed what was throbbing between my thighs because she was on her knees before her bedroom door even shut behind us. Unfortunately I did not fuck her. She fucked me. She was captain and I was a prisoner on her ship. There was no respite from her iron fist, this girl’s stamina was unparalleled. If you asked me whether she backed it up, or I pushed up on it, I would be lying if I said the latter. This continued until the wee hours. I entered as a man and emerged into the piercing daylight as a husk.

She threatened to shave my moustache with her pubic razor and said I had a shit haircut. I later found out she works at a Subway and was kicking myself for the missed opportunity to offer her a six inch (three would have been more realistic). These things considered, the blind date went pretty well. Thanks Critic, Ombrellos and the chef who cooked the fuck out of that venison.  

A little bit crazy, a little bit bad. 

Watch

I rocked up to Ombrellos, with my face hella caked and my ass out on display. I wasn’t waiting long before my date rolled in. I wasn’t disappointed but not overly impressed either. He had the standard shit Dunedin haircut and a dirty fucking moustache that was not doing that boy any favours. However he did have pretty spectacular eyes, and the rest of him was aesthetically pleasing. We seemed to hit it off pretty well, we talked about travel, uni and everything else in between, he even laughed at my shitty jokes. After awhile we got onto the topic of what we should put in the write up, and to be honest, we talked about how it would be funny if we lied and made it a little bit outrageous. There was talk about kinky bedroom antics and some ass eating, at this point my panties were starting to get a lil creamy and it was pretty clear that I was indeed keen to fuck the shit out of this guy. We deleted the rest of our drinks and headed back to my place. It wasn’t long before his dick was in my mouth and his shit moustache was soaked with my fanny juices. Now I’m not usually one for butt play, but this guy was freaky. Second round in and he spotted my flamboyant purple dildo and insisted he used it on me (in my ass), I agreed but not before I used it on him first. So yeah, it was a pretty interesting blind date and I guess there was no need to lie because it really was an outrageous night. Thanks Critic for the awesome opportunity, and thanks to my date for a great night and the inability to walk and/or shit the next day xo