Culture

There’s nothing that screams ‘student’ quite like the deafening, failing exhaust of a shitty car you love with all your heart, held together by nothing but duct tape and a dream. A key part of your personality, this quiz will determine what noble steed gets you from Burns A to B. There are, of course, many shitty student cars. These five options are just the ones we saw the most driving down Cumberland Street.
 
Paint job?
A) Piss yellow
B) Industrial silver
C) Blood red
D) Sky blue 
E) Climate-change green
 
What are you getting pulled over for?
A) Being overloaded with passengers
B) Not having lights on during night drives
C) Illegal car mods
D) Speeding
E) Driving in the wrong lane
 
Which part keeps needing repairs?
A) The brakes
B) Window wipers
C) Wing mirror
D) Dented bonnet
E) The back wheel
 
Choose an affectionate nickname for your car
A) John Lemon
B) Lightning McQueen
C) Paddy Wagon
D) Chlöe Carbrick
E) Orange Chariot
 
Where are you parking overnight?
A) Driveway
B) North George Street
C) A 20-minute space
D) Queen Street Hill
E) The gutter
 
Will you sober drive tonight?
A) Yeah alright, if it’s before 1 am
B) In your dreams mate
C) For gas money, yeah
D) I’ve already started drinking
E) All aboard! No man left behind
 
 
Mostly A: Volkswagen Golf
The brakes may always be fucked and you’re basically the Uber for your friend group, but the Volkswagen Golf is the perfect car for you, you little socialite. You probably have a little bit of cash given those European cars are expenny to maintain and run, but you’re not the type to demand $2.50 out of your mates for gas. What a G.
 
Mostly B: Honda Jazz
Honda Jazz is your car, you thrifty legend. The value for money and fuel efficiency the Honda Jazz delivers makes you cream your pants when you talk about it; you probably make people wipe their shoes before getting inside. Keep lording it over people about how clean your car is, but maybe try smoking a cone and loosening up a little. 
 
Mostly C: Ford Courier
No one can stop you from putting an ugly canopy on the back, but at least do it to a Ford Courier so you don’t tarnish a car with any actual aesthetic value. Work on your fucking parking for that matter, and you don’t own the road! Odds are you’re a country kid and hunt in your spare time. If you’re heading to the Catlins every other weekend, then you’re unquestionably doing it in a Ford Courier.
 
Mostly D: Mazda Demio
You didn’t buy this car, mum and dad gifted it for your 17th birthday along with a mountain of Glasson or Hallensteins vouchers. It’s easily the most broken-into car in New Zealand, a lesson you learnt the hard way. Dents from curbing while you were learning to drive are like a badge of honour to you. Sitting in your car feels like waiting in a vape shop thanks to the stale vanilla radiating from the Sex Wax freshener. 
 
Mostly E: Neuron Scooter
A car has wheels and moves you around, so sure, the Neuron Scooter qualifies. You can even fit two people on it, so it’s quite eco-friendly. Besides, who has money for a car these days? No one. Who can spend 40 cents a minute trying to get home on a night out? Everyone. Your knees may be grazed trying to recreate Titanic with your mate, and you might get told off by a boomer who thinks having five people on a scooter is ‘unsafe,’ but life is for living and you care about the environment.