Kicking someone out of your flat is a shitty experience, particularly when it’s a byproduct of your own shitty behaviour. Though it’s usually justified, the experience nonetheless leaves scars on the flat. Conversations are left in flux; a uniting, common enemy is lost; rent must be covered. Who’s gonna cop the passive aggressive flack from everyone at flat meetings? Where will the drama go that everyone so desperately craves? Most importantly, what random will you take on as your new flatmate?
A flurry of questions, yet scant solutions. It seems that, in the face of all these problems, there’s really only one thing you can hope for. That thing being none other than the immortal governess herself: Nanny McPhee.
Like, literally who the hell wouldn’t want Nanny McPhee in their flat? Although I guess the whole point is you don’t want her, but hell, you need her with that room of yours. I’m sorry it’s come to this, and so is she. But it’s the only way forward.
But why Nanny McPhee, really? To answer this question, I will first look at the practicalities of the issue and then look at the purpose. The most obvious practical benefit from her presence is that she pays rent. During that murky in-between period when you’re looking for a new flatmate, the room’s just sitting there, begging to be let. Nanny McPhee also only takes Sundays off which is great for you, as you’ll probably be taking most of that day for worship anyway. Also, beneath the various warts and other unusual skin tags, Nanny McPhee is actually global superstar actor Emma Thompson! Imagine the clout you could garner pulling up to pint night with Emma Thompson in tow, warts and all. The pint night line would be something to scoff at as you glide into U-Bar, ready to receive your obligatory free pints and offer waltzing lessons.
As mentioned, the ultimate purpose of having Nanny McPhee stay at your flat would be to help heal the flat drama that emptied her room in the first place. So now comes the tough bit: she will grill you. A pure emotional assault that will leave you all in tears. Nanny McPhee is also too moral to gaslight you, so instead she uses her supernatural powers to literally force you into obeying her will. One bang of her stick and you’ll find yourself in the car, driving to pick up your flatmate from work without any desire to do so. I won’t lie (because she won’t let me), the first two weeks aren’t going to be pretty. She catches you with a bong in hand? You’ll be doing push-ups until your knuckles are bleeding and you’re pleading to go back to Auckland. But hey, she’s a military-trained nanny, so push-ups are part of the package.
But at the end of the day, catharsis will be found in the struggle. With Nanny McPhee mediating discussions you will have the opportunity to reconnect, finding out what you mean to each other as friends and flatmates, and maybe more. Through the tears there will be laughs and through the intense discussion there will be a chance to start again as a completely new flat. To be Nanny McFree.
Plus, think of all the great personal benefits to her staying! You’ll go to bed early and will always use your please and thank you’s, the quintessential elements to success in the corporate world (there’s a reason she’s a government nanny).
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: the person you need is Nanny McPhee, a potential light in the dark for flats looking to navigate their intense drama and ongoing flat issues. To this end, I plead: if Nanny McPhee comes knocking on your flat door one weary day, let her use your spare room. It’s worth subjecting yourself to complete loss of bodily control and constant fear of her wrath for the peace she ultimately brings. Make it last, because as Nanny McPhee herself said, “When you want me but no longer need me, I must go. It’s rather sad, really, but there it is.”