There’s hardly anything more alluring than a free box on a night out. But nothing worthwhile comes easy. To earn such a coveted prize, members of the crowd gathered on Castle and Howe for Frat Night at Feisty Goat would have to prove that their talents lay beyond sinking piss. And they’d have to prove it to the three judges – Cailin, Jordan, and Brad; AKA Amanda, Simon, and David – huddled around a small, rain-drenched table for their chance of gaining the golden buzzer. This is: Breatha’s Got Talent.
Contestant 1: Pitch Imperfect
First to take the stage was Emily. A performer with questionable preparation but undeniable enthusiasm, Emily busted out the cup song – with no cup or accurate lyrics. Probably because it’s been over a decade since that song was made popular by Pitch Perfect. The first verse charmed the judges, while also firmly lodging the repeated off-key words “this is the cup song” in our brains. The experience is sure to forever alter how we will listen to the original cup song (not that we did anyway). Emily’s real talent was making friends as she ended up helping the next round of contestants.
Judges’ Comments: Couldn’t even class it as a nostalgia trip
Contestants 2 & 3: Anyway, Here’s ‘Wonderwall'
Enter Ollie and Brayden, collectively known as ‘Boobs’ (don’t ask). Would this optimistic pair be tonight’s winners? Not likely, given they roped previously unsuccessful Emily into their performance of ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis. The now-trio’s chances of even retaining some level of cohesion, let alone scoring a box, quickly faded as it became clear newfound member Emily didn’t even know the song. “If you don’t know it, you don’t know it, mate,” yelled Brayden, with increasing disappointment during the pauses in the chorus. Emily, extremely undeterred, Googled the lyrics and sang along anyway. Boobs, meanwhile, maintained intense eye contact with one of the judges – adding an extra layer of discomfort to the performance.
Judges’ Comments: What is it about men and ‘Wonderwall’ hostage situations?
Intermission 1: The Scoot
Realising the judges’ table was too far back from potential contestants, the judges awkwardly scooted their wheely chairs five metres up the road, luring the crowd in hook (a box), line (further up Castle), and sinker (breatha’s talent).
Contestant 4: Full Send
Lizzy took the bait. To the judges’ equal measure of delight and concern, she dropped into the splits before the table – on the street infamous for its glass shards, streams of piss (both alcoholic and bodily), and vomit puddles. All the credit in the world to Lizzy for disregarding all of these possible health concerns and committing fully. Fearless, yes – and slightly unhinged.
Judges’ Comments: Get tested, girl
Intermission 2: Rain on Our Parade
The rain intensified. Our extremely professional A4-printed Breatha’s Got Talent sign devolved into pulp. All dreams of professionalism disintegrated, too. Campus Watch – equipped with five spare umbrellas (we counted) – watched us suffer and laughed. Hypothermia became a real possibility.
Contestants 5 & 6: Something in the Orange (10 Minute Version)
Undeterred by the soggy set-up, Elliot and Joel were next to risk it all for a chance at a gold buzzer. Opting to belt out ‘Something in the Orange’ would have been fine if it weren’t for how utterly awkward the whole thing was – even more so than Boobs’ unwavering eye contact. The whole performance had an eerie and embarrassing similarity to the shows you put on with your cousin at Christmas. You know, the ones that mean everything to the performer but which the audience tries to cut short over and over with rounds of applause, often to no avail. We now understand what our parents endured. They just… kept going. No offense to Elliot and Joel, but maybe you should re-audition after learning how to read the room.
Judges’ Comments: I wish my one-night stand would last that long
Contestant 7: Worm Reincarnate
It then reached the time of the night for lesbian stereotyping. Elena, dubbed ‘Thee Lesbian’ by Jordan, took to the stage (pavement), clad in black denim jorts – carabiner attached ofc – tank top, backwards cap, and ‘woxers’ (as dubbed by Critic lesbian Madeline). The performance? A flawless execution of The Worm. The flow was immaculate, as was the expert act of defying gravity (AHahhAhaahhahaa), which was enough to convince us Elena was a worm in a past-life. “I probably got chlamydia from doing the worm on Castle,” she said. At least you’re aware of it Elena – unlike old mate Split-Lizzy.
Judges’ Comments: We would deffo still love Elena if she was a worm
Intermission 3: Desperation
Why did we still have our box? Had we misjudged Castle Street? Was there no one willing to do what it takes to earn this elusive prize? The judges resorted to desperate tactics, begging anyone walking past to do “literally anything” for a shot at winning. And then, just when the city needed him most, Batman arrived on the scene.
Contestant 8: The Dark Knight
Batman was a pure soul. Was he the campus vigilante who Critic pictured skulking in the shadows and growling at littering breathas to “be a tidy kiwi”? No. His talent was showing people a photo of himself meeting Batman and Robin at Movieworld. Was this a talent? Not in the eyes of one judge. Did he still outshine the twerking girl in a nearby flat window? Undoubtedly.
Judges’ Comments: The hero we deserve
Contestant 9: Queen Laqueefah
Two enthusiastic frat girls approached the judges’ table claiming a unique talent: “My friend can queef on command!” The judges sat in stunned silence, staring in disbelief at the queefer in question. Anticipation grew. Then, due to the overpowering DnB blasting our ears, the performance was nearly lost to the night. In a moment of true journalistic sacrifice, the judges leaned in to try and hear her out (literally). “I really hope I don’t get pink eye from this,” said a concerned Jordan. Critic can confirm that something of a queef was heard, and will defend ‘queef on demand girl’ if this is ever debated. Judge Brad did get a message the next morning with video proof of the queef but was too scared to open it.
Judges’ Comments: Incredible. Disgusting. Historic.
Contestant 10: Thief!
As the night seemingly drew to a close, a group of girls rocked up, giving major heart-eyes to our box. One impressed the judges with a solid rendition of the national anthem (minus the lyrical error – “mōrena kai” isn’t a phrase any All Black as mumbled in front of a stadium of people). But it was a set-up. After bonding over going to the same high school, Cailin failed to notice the slimy fingers lingering on the box. Within seconds, the box was snatched and vanished into the night (where’s Batman when you need him?). Contestant #10 Mackenzie, we will not forget what you did – three buzzers for you (not cool dude). Another three buzzers for the police who were ten metres away filming TikToks and ignored our cries about the crime.
Judges’ Comments: Bruh.
Given this unforgivable act, Breatha’s Got Talent now had no prize. All the contestants that put their heart and soul and body into their mediocre performances will never get the chance of making it big time. Thus the first, last, and only installment of Breatha’s Got Talent ends without a winner. To everyone in our Insta DMs asking where your box is, now you know. All we have now is a pulpy sign, squelchy shoes, and an unopened queef video.