Kiwis own more pets per household than almost anyone else in the world, so it comes as a bit of a culture shock to leave that behind for studenthood. Many of us grew up with household pets who, unfortunately, remained in the household when we moved out. Without us realising, our final year of high school would be the last time we lived with our beloved furry friends. At least, until we have a stable job and can own a house instead of flatting. Neither of these things appear to be happening anytime soon in this economy, so here’s a list of ways to have pets in Dunedin while you’re struggling through your degree.
1. Buy a swan plant from the Saturday farmers market. They come with monarch caterpillars.
These caterpillars are remarkably robust in terms of a flat pet. I’ve fostered twelve and two have survived which, judging from my flatmate’s concession that she “sometimes blows smoke in their face to get them high”, is a substantial achievement. Another name for swan plants is milkweed, so I suppose they are always chewing on grass. Two weeks ago we watched in awe as one caterpillar wormed his way into a chrysalis on the plant we keep on the coffee table. He has stayed like this since, boringly immobile. We think he got so big because he ate the rest of the caterpillars, even though the internet says they are vegetarian. He also ate an entire swan plant so we had to get a backup. I say “we” but my flatmates are only mildly interested in the caterpillars and they most commonly come up in conversation when I’m asked to vacuum up the caterpillar poo on the coffee table. Still, I think they’re a good depression-curer when they manage to stay alive. You can’t touch them because it burns their skin but it’s fun to watch them wriggle around and eat all day. Must be nice to be a caterpillar.
Joy Rating: 6/10. A good quick-fix for the Dunedin blues, but caterpillars can only do so much. Plus, what happens when they become butterflies and fly away? Are you sure you can deal with more abandonment issues?
2. Get high and go to the museum’s butterfly exhibit
Sources confirm that it is actually possible to visit the butterflies without being high, but no one seems to know why you would do that. If you can scrape together the $15 entrance fee, I’ve been told that frolicking with the butterflies after a bong is a somewhat spiritual experience, eliciting emotions that have been suppressed ever since you started uni. Perhaps you could bring a flute and warble to the flutter of hundreds of wings. Wearing bright colours can help attract butterflies to land on you. Please note however that the phrase “butterfly kisses” really leaves out the fact that their legs have claws.
Joy Rating: 8/10. These butterflies won’t leave you, but you’re high so you’re having a good time regardless.
3. Walk the dogs at the SPCA
I will die on this hill – not the Ōpoho hill where the SPCA is located, that one is miserable in the rain. Every Sunday I go to walk the dogs at the centre for a couple hours. You can listen to a podcast or some music while you go on a bush walk. However, other times you’ll have to stay alert because a dog is pulling you hellishly in all directions. Most of the time, these dogs are delightful and sad. There was once a very old dog who I used to take to the Rhododendron glen nearby so it could walk all over the flowers. The SPCA volunteers coming in to cuddle and walk them are the only form of human contact they get – they need love just as much as your dogs at home (or cats I guess, but I’m not a cat person). #notanad but SPCA desperately needs more volunteers and the dogs need you too. They’re also fostering chickens and a pig right now if farm animals are your thing. Sometimes there are puppies and it is literally your job to play with them.
Joy Rating: 10/10. Dogs = serotonin. I don’t make the rules.
4. Take a really bad fisher to the Leith
We’ve all got that friend who cannot fish for the life of them, the one you brought on a fishing trip once but never again after realising they were genuinely detrimental to your own abilities. Vegetarians such as myself fit nicely into this category. While I strongly object to animal abuse, this will not result in any harm to the fishes since this friend will be unable to catch anything, causing their hunter-gatherer ancestors to sniff with shame. But happily for you, they will attract fish with bait so you can spot them (if anything actually lives in the Leith) and wave a friendly “hello” as they skirt around the hook. I’d advise against this if a) your flatmates are expecting fish for dinner and b) you’re not prepared to confess your true intentions (fish are friends, not food). Just do what everyone’s dad did after a fishing trip (read: pissing up on a boat) and lie about your success, frying up a frozen Hoki fillet discretely bought on the way home. Even if you don’t get to see any fish, there’s still tons of freshwater life in the Leith. Like ducks, insects, and condoms.
Joy Rating: 4/10. It’s a gamble whether you’ll actually spot a fish and if the guilt of weaponizing your friend’s incompetence is worth it.
5. Buy a paddling pool so ducks will see it and swim in cleaner water than the Leith
This one is self-explanatory. Ducks can fly, so they’ll see your pristine little pond from the air. You could put little bits of bread in it to tempt them even further. Just one piece though, can’t spare any more toast in this economy. Once you begin to attract ducks, you can start your waterfowl empire. Let the ducks quack the word. Make them start a turf war with the seagulls. Expand your paddling pool to a multi-layered paddling park with different temperatures to cater to different duck’s preferences. Make duck nests. Eat algae. Become one with the ducks. Don’t jump off your roof. You don’t have wings.
Joy Rating: 7/10. Like your very own nature documentary on a budget.
6. Feed the ducks in the Botanic Gardens
Don’t worry if you can’t afford a paddling pool – although I’d sincerely hope you’d be able to, they’re very cheap from the Warehouse – you can travel to the ducks instead! There’s a pond in the Botans near New World Gardens that will literally give you bread (unfortunately just for the ducks). However, frozen peas and corn make the best duck feed, as their digestive systems aren’t really equipped for bread. You can sit on the bench there and embrace your inner child while you hurl scraps of food at the ducks. Best to go in times of emotional turmoil or when you’re experiencing FOGU (Fear of Growing Up).
Joy Rating: 6/10. Tapping into some childhood whimsy is great until you’re surrounded by five-year-olds and become VERY aware of how old you really are
7. Start a worm farm
You could do this on purpose but it’s kind of yucky. But, I don’t know, maybe bugs are your thing. Annelids, to be specific. There’s also a massive worm farm that already exists that you can visit on your way to Unipol. Also I didn’t want to say it before, but you probably have a worm farm already. When was the last time you looked inside your food scraps bin outside? Mould ain’t the only thing growing in there, honey.
Joy Rating: 2/10. Mmmm worms!
8. Become a furry
Joy Rating: No comment.
9. Become a witch
This one is actually not that hard. WikiHow outlines how to become a witch in 15 steps (with pictures). Completing the steps will take an hour or two max but less if you summarise the steps in ChatGPT. According to Madam Chatty, people who have read Harry Potter tend to find becoming a witch a bit easier, so this is for you Potterheads lurking about. Yes, we all saw you at Hyde. Once you become a witch, if you’re a good person a black cat will follow you around always and forever with loyalty. This is your ‘familiar’. If you’re a bad person you get a toad (kiss them and see what happens if you’re that lonely). The spirits above want me to make it clear NOT to attempt to become a witch if you’ve made some questionable decisions on a night out at Castle Street. You’ll have to tote around an amphibian for the rest of your life.
Joy Rating: 1/10 or 10/10. Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
10. Foster a dog anyway and hope your landlord doesn’t find out
I wouldn’t recommend this one due to the legal ramifications that it entails compared to the somewhat safer nine other options I have provided. But fuck it, here’s exactly how to hide a dog. It’s basically the same as hiding a hookup you regret from your flatmates. Distraction is essential: go towards the flatmates yelling and shouting over a problem you’ve just thought up while the hookup slinks out the back door. Same with a property inspection. Direct your landlord’s attention away from the dog by making someone else walk it around the block while the landlord’s in your flat. Instead of kicking a condom under your bed, you’re kicking a dog toy. In the event of an emergency, such as a flatmate finding a random rugby sock in the dryer: “where the fuck did this sock come from” or the landlord opening a cupboard to find copious amounts of dog food, you must lie and embarrass yourself. Safe answers include, but are not limited to: “I stole it from my lecturer’s office” and “dog food is my favourite snack.” This is the only way you will escape suspicion unscathed – they will be too disgusted to ask any further questions.
Joy Rating: 9/10. You will love your life but you will always be on edge. There is no reward without some risk.
Life without pets can be hard, but hopefully these tips will help. At 6am the morning I finished this article, a cat appeared on my doorstep and wandered into my flat, but left after all I could produce for it was coconut milk from a can. Am I becoming a witch? I don’t know. If all else fails, you can always adopt a fresher for a bit and teach them the ways of Otago so they don’t fuck up like you did.