This guide here goes out to all my freshers who have just begun their journey at the University of Otago. I get it, you’re probably feeling nervous, excited, and slightly panicked about the prospect of spending the next few years of your life in this freezing cold, chlamydia infested hole at the bottom of the world. You will leave here with a staggering amount of debt and a severe alcohol problem.
Never fear, my crippled fourth year self has taken the liberty to compile a list of tips and tricks to help you navigate university life and blend in with everyone else, so you don’t stick out like a 2020 leaver’s hoodie. So sit back, keep reading and engross yourself in this fine piece of literature.
1. Shut the fuck up
Listen, I get it. You’re buzzing to be at Uni and away from the roof of Mum and Dad. You’ve made all these new fantastic friends and finally have a sense of new found freedom. The novelty of lectures and library sessions is yet to wear off, but please, shut up.
If you want to blend in with the other students and be a good Samaritan, I suggest you zip those ecstatic lips in the library, and stop screaming at every single minor thing that elicits a joyful response. No one in the library needs to hear about how hard your BSNS112 assignment is, because if it was really that hard you’d be studying instead of talking.
2. Don’t Screw the Crew
Now you’re probably well accustomed with the phrase ‘don’t screw the crew,’ meaning don’t fuck anyone in your close friend group. I know what it's like being in a hall and making a new friend group, and having a particular someone you can’t keep your eyes off.
Well I’m warning you now, don’t do it. What might be a harmless one night stand or some sneaky after dinner cuddles is just a hot mess of drama waiting to happen. Move outside your inner circle, that way you avoid the scandal at all costs. No great relationship was going to come out of this anyway, you’re just a fool. Love is dead. Maybe it has never existed; it’s just a historical and culturally contingent construct that’s presented as an all-encompassing, aspirational, state of being.
If you do screw the crew, just please, for the love of God, use protection.
3. Sneaking alcohol into your college
Now I’m all for rules, but some of the drinking policies in colleges are just atrocious. I hear at Knox you’re only allowed to drink Thursday through Saturday, or at Cumby it's only 6 RTDs or a bottle of wine. Truly barbaric. But in this economy, you can’t afford to buy drinks in town.
The answer? Just sneak it in. Want straight vodka? Just fill it up in a pump bottle and carry in a gym bag as a disguise. Want rum? Switch out the pump bottle for a coke one. Shove cans in your jacket pockets, or a New World bag to make it look as though you just went for an innocent grocery shop. If you get caught then, well, at least you tried. But remember, you gotta fight for your right to party.
4. Support the Highlanders
If you have moved to Dunedin and still have some kind of emotional attachment to your hometown rugby team, I suggest you cut that cord sooner rather than later. There is nothing more embarrassing than seeing a fresher pull up to the Zoo decked out in something which isn’t blue or gold. You’re frankly just asking to be abused. Don’t even try to justify why you still support the Chiefs or Hurricanes. If you’re in Dunedin, you support the Highlanders. Anything else and you will be exiled from society.
5. Don’t crash flat parties
I know how tempting it can be to gate-crash a flat party on your way to town, but just don’t fucking do it. I don’t care if your mates second cousin is the hosting on Castle, or if your Tinder match is on the decks at Leith (if this is the case, you probably aren’t the only fresher they’re sifting on). The fact of the matter is, you must earn your place when it comes to partying.
There’s a reason you’re confined to the basement of Suburbia or lines of Catacombs. It's so that your low alcohol tolerance, shit chat and vodka cruiser addiction doesn’t make an appearance at flat parties. You must practice at the art of drinking and banter before you enter the second year gateway that is flat parties. Your time will come, be patient young grasshopper.
So there you have it, freshers. With these tips in mind, your first year is guaranteed to be a success. In all seriousness, enjoy your time, look after your friends and make the most of it. It catches up on you quickly, much like the debt. But finally, please make more bad TikToks.