Hey there.
Nice Cock.
You looking for a
New Flat with
cheap rent? Head down to
LoserVille: location,
Gang land.
Somewhere in the Alley on
DundASS street, we have all the
Beer Necessities you need.
You want entertainment? We got you.
Fuck Gamers — leave your consoles at the door. We are intellectuals, and only indulge in high-culture films such as
rickandmorty and
Pornhub 2.0, which comes complete with
Rileys 2.4Hz nudes and
NUNS FRONT BUM. Feel free to partake in the communal
Cum Bucket. Don’t click the
Virus Download button, or you’ll get
COVID-19.
Hungry? We have a shared flat dinner schedule. Monday night is
Eggs; Tuesday is
Meaty On Chippy. Occasionally we have
CrabApples15, or
waffle yum yum.
We cook rice in (the slow cooker); you’re welcome to use it. If you get lucky in town on Saturday, maybe you’ll get to eat some
Beaver. If none of these tickle your pickle,
Nanas upstairs <3 She’ll sort you out a mean feed.
Ignore the stench. It never really goes away.
Ollie smells.
Jacques smells. Everything smells, especially
Jeff’s Butthole. Our bodies are temples, and his is a
House_fullof_shit. We beg him to consume more fibre, to use the bidet, to take better care of his sexual health;
“It hurts when IP,” he cries.
“I have 6 rubbers up my bum.” Jeff, the infamous
SHARTWRECKER, does not visit Student Health. He dabbles in essential oils and
BlackMagic instead. We do not like Jeff.
(-_-)
Look out your window. Dunedin is built on reclaimed land. Behold the marshy miry wetlands,
THE SWAMP which lies yonder. You must be careful of
THE SWAMP. Do not enter
THE SWAMP. The
Cabbage patch wolves lurk
THE SWAMP at night, seeking
Dog rolls to consume. Beware.
The
Benee Fan Club meets here fortnightly. They will knock three times, and say a password.
Bird is the word. Let them in. I promise we aren’t a
Trap House. They just really like Benee.
Do you pay for this wifi? No. It’s included in the rent. Yes, it’s terrible. Don’t get
sassy with me. You don’t live in
Daddyz Mansion with your
posh pals anymore. We have notoriously
ThottyWifi. Deal with it,
CUNT.
(BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP)
The neighbours are at it again. I beg them, again and again, please:
Stop Stealing Limes. It falls on deaf ears.
That’s about it for the flat tour. I hope that you like the new place. Just remember:
Stay humble, cunts.