2020 was a year of many firsts. The pandemic pushed the population to extremes – emotionally, yes, but also creatively, with many trying things they’d never thought to before. Sourdough starters were born, hair-cutting scissors were purchased, and Critic Te Ārohi published the inaugural great kebab review: “The Holy Trinity of protein, veggie and carbs”. Amen. Like the chore roster your overbearing flatmate tried to implement, it didn’t stick (unlike the fish n chip review). But this year, it’s back.
Kebabs are a cornerstone of the midnight menu. It was only appropriate, therefore, that the testing conditions simulated the true kebab-eating experience: a little bit pissed, and collected on foot. Following office pres, Critic spread out across the city to collect our goods in pairs (ordering veggie and meat options), brought them back and chowed down around the pornographic coffee table. We tried to weigh them with the office scales (don’t ask), but the boys were too hefty. Kebabs are a personal experience; we couldn’t compare for a ranking, so read on to find out what might be the right fit for you.
Cafe Nesli – Nina & Elliot
Meat: As a swing-vegetarian (my body craves protein in winter, sue me) I was simply unprepared for the amount of meat in this kebab. Cafe Nesli toed the fucking line of what is an acceptable ratio of meat to salad. It’s like they tried to stuff an entire lamb (minus the hooves) in there – an aggressively bland one, at that. If I squinted, there were hints of red onion, and the amount of lettuce could only be described as a garnish. There was a suggestion of a spring onion at one juncture. If you’re too stingy to fork out for a lamb shank at The Bog, this kebab joint, tucked just around the corner, has the next best thing. They’ll even throw in a shoulder and a chop for good measure.
Falafel: I was pleased with the eating experience of this kebab. It had a respectable girth and wrappage with easy-to-manoeuvre tinfoil that didn’t stick (an extremely important quality). The falafel was undeniably the star of the show: well-spiced and with a hearty amount to fill out the bulk of the wrap – though with little room left for lettuce. I craved its crunch. If I were to nit-pick, the kebab also could have used some more sauce. On the flip-side, this meant there was minimal sogginess and I avoided the dreaded drip-hand. The ol’ faithful Speight’s did the trick to wash down any dryness. Overall, a fine meal.
Price: $32.50 altogether
Location: George Street (by The Bog) – the ideal locale for a home-bound pilgrimage from the Octy
Paired with: Speight’s Summit Ultras
Highlight: Critic on their coffee table!
Lowlight: Vegetarian guilt with a mouth full of sheep
Huzur Kebab – Angus & Molly
Meat: The experience started before I had even taken a glimpse of this newborn-sized bundle of joy. With a lovely sticker saying ‘thank you’ adorning the bag that kept my dinner warm on the trek from Huzur Kebab to the Critic office, I felt seen as a loyal customer (I do indeed have a loyalty card). From the first bite, with a mouthful of the warm soft pita, flavourful veggies and lush sauce, I knew this would be a winner. What a treat. The mixed meat combination of juicy tender lamb and decadent chicken had me forgo my Nitro and continue to chow down. This kebab was a banger with a good meat/veg/sauce ratio and, crucially, no soggy bottom. I wish they stayed open later than 10pm but the location is perfect for a lazy dinner.
Falafel: When it comes to the classic meat on chips or lamb kebab, Huzur is a pioneer (hence its cult following). But how well does it cater to the vegetarian crowd? The answer: very well indeed. Their falafel put me on my ass in a state of bliss. Wrapped oh-so-carefully in a pita bread, this bad boy had me thinking to myself, “I could demo two of these, aye.” Munching my way down the kebab, the fresh flavours of veggies (pink pickles and zucchini) were standout – nothing like a bit of fresh produce to keep tomorrow’s hangover at bay! This was delicately complimented by a mix of garlic aioli and sweet chilli. Into the final act of the kebab, the moisture of the bread seemed to outweigh the ingredients, almost resulting in nearly being a soggy veggie pancake. Besides this would-be mishap, Huzur provides a class act veggo kebab. Twist my arm, I’ll be convinced to join the Huzur Kebab fan club facebook group. Would recommend 9/10
Price: $16.90
Location: George Street, NEV end
Paired with: Mystery Nitro
Highlight: Online ordering
Lowlight: Mouth full of foil but that may just be a me problem (skill issue)
Dost – Evie & Jordan
Meat: As a frequent enjoyer of Dost’s meat and chips, I was very enthused to try their kebab. In all fairness, we walked back in cold windy weather, so by the time we got to the Critic office ‘twas a bit cold. I escaped to the hallway (it was very loud and I hate being watched while eating) and I am glad I did so because this kebab leaked its sauce everywhere. My hands were very wet and I knew this meal was a race against the clock. Diligently, I got stuck in. In terms of flavour: there were no issues to report. The lamb was delicious and I can't complain. I narrowly avoided the tinfoil (unlike some people) that was tucked in the wrap. Taste was there, but the execution was not.
Falafel (written by proxy as Evie’s hands were too soggy from the kebab to take notes): First impressions? “So damp at the bottom,” she said. The sauce was leaking through the three layers of wrapping (pita, tinfoil, and paper – kind of impressive) but she was “trying to ignore it.” Instead, her brow furrowed in concentration while picking out bits of tinfoil that had been sealed into the folds of the kebab, and looked like it was taking a bit of effort to remove. Good thing her job requires an attention to detail! The proportion of salad to falafel was respectable, though the falafel was a little on the cold side after the long trek back to the office. “But that’s kind of on me.” Sadly, it seems the sogginess at the bottom had leached the falafel of any moisture, and required a decent swig of beer to swallow comfortably. However, she was sure to note bonus points for Dost’s Palestinian flag and convenient location for Octagon-goers.
Price: $15
Location: George Street, towards Princes Street
Paired with: Always Sunny In Philadelphia Season 6, Episode 6 ‘Mac’s Mom Burns Her House Down’
Highlight: Palestine flag in store
Lowlight: A lot of juice on our hands
Trojan – Gryffin & Connor
Meat: The first bite into my kebab was heaven sent. It was drowning in sauce (personally I loved it) but to my suprise, based on the pure ocean of sauce on both ends of the kebab, the mid-section was a bit dry. The kebab held together well, with it being the perfect width and size to get a good grip and munch hard, right up until the last couple bites where the bottom fold began to come apart. The salad to meat ratio was near perfection, with just the right amount of meat-to-veg in each bite. It held warmth well throughout my eating experience.
Falafel: Oh Trojan, a pit stop on the pilgrimage on the trudge home from the Octy. The girthy kebab the staff had bestowed on me was well worth the hit to my StudyLink that had just come through. Like its meat counterpart, the first few bites had a blissful sauce-to-falafel ratio. The lack of meat did not mean a lack of flavour, with the subtle spice accompanying the greasy pita perfectly. It kept its warmth remarkably well, and had structural integrity that would make UC engineering students froth. Despite these positives, the occasional bit of tinfoil tangled in the wrap and the slightly-dry falafel were the only let downs this eve. But hey, the bits of tin foil probably helped stop the iron deficiency caused by lack of meat eating, right?
Price: $17.50 for a large
Location: Outskirts of the Octagon, George Street
Paired with: Brookvale Lemon, Lime & Bitters
Highlight: Kebab architecture
Lowlight: Entering the overstimulating establishment sober
Konya – Jodie & Madeline
Meat: If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a soggy kebab. I really don’t want to go swimming during my meal. Luckily, Konya came in clutch. Their understanding of ratios was solid throughout; rolls of lamb and chunks of chicken were evenly matched by bright green tabbouleh, and they understood their liquids too (we opted for the ‘Konya Special’ of mayonnaise and honey mustard). The only points I can dock is that the chicken was on the dry side, but I’d take desiccated fowl over a wet wrap any day. I was gastrically entertained from beginning to end and the experience was largely mess-free. Noteworthy too was the lack of tinfoil as Konya opted for an entirely paper-based wrapping. Big ups to the environment.
Falafel: Konya, baby, thanks for catering to the neurodivergent (and children under 7) – the plastic dinosaur collection, Rubix cube and complimentary screening of The Good Dinosaur went down like a treat. But even if we hadn’t had such curated amusement, it was worth the wait time. Small but mighty, the falafel kebab had everything you could want. The falafel was moist – not dry as the fecking outback like the stuff I make at home, more like a temperate rainforest. The kebab donned a great wee portion of salad, with zero sogginess and maintenance of structural soundness throughout my devouring experience (apart from a few stray tabouli balls that rolled around the office floor). This, I imagine, would make it a great companion to a drunk stumble home with minimal mess. As for the tabouli: maybe you’ll be able to trace your steps back to Subs the next morning, like a North D Hansel and Gretel.
Price: $16.40 for a small, $18.40 for a large
Location: Saint Andrews Street (amongst the kebab mecca)
Paired with: Malibu Strawberry Daiquiris
Highlight: In-store entertainment (I solved the first layer of the 4x4 Rubik's Cube)
Lowlight: Lack of insulation (tinfoil, that’s what my landlord uses too I swear) meant for a slightly cold kebab back at the office
Anatolia – Iris, Lochy & Tevya
First impression: dayum, she is thick. Initial bite was satisfying, with a nice variety of vegetables and a good protein to veg ratio. The lamb in the meat kebab was well seasoned, while the falafel wasn't too dry. Good sauce combo (don’t ask me to remember what). As we got down the kebab, the meat/falafel was on one side and the veg was on the other. I would have appreciated less divisiveness and a bit more inclusiveness, if you know what I mean. The sauce was mostly on the protein and the veg was crisp. Now it was nice, don’t get us wrong, however it would've been better with a bit of moisture. Towards the bottom the meat/protein and the veges started to mix a bit more. Both ran out of wrap so had to eat the last bite out of the tinfoil. Tasty asf, but the messy eating necessary wouldn’t give a good impression on a first date. Overall 8.5/10. Would recommend.
Price: $19 (or $20 for mix-meat/falafel/zucchini)
Location: 152 Princes Street
Paired with: Mint/yoghurt sauce and aioli
Sila/Verdura – Ellie
First things first: props to Verdura for decking out their front of house with couches. It made the minimal wait time that much comfier! After being handed my kebab, I could tell it had the structural integrity of a steel beam, and it held up through the whole eating experience. It didn’t drip or go soggy which I much prefer to having kebab juice drip down my arms. The small amount of (very tasty) sauce didn’t make it dry, though this was probably also due to the sheer amount of salad packed in. Seriously, this felt disgustingly healthy. On top of this, about a third of the way into chowing down, I was shocked to see something neon pink and radioactive-looking peeping out. After some research, this turned out to be Lebanese pickles (turnips) but it was enough of an initial shock to throw me off guard and make me quickly pull it out and place it on display on the Critic coffee table. However, there was a generous amount of perfectly seasoned chicken on offer and spicy potatoes the exact texture of hash browns. And I LOVE hash browns.
Price: $17
Location: Saint Andrews St
Paired with: Smirnoff, Nitro, Malibu Strawberry Daiquiri concoction (the grown up version of making potions as a kid)
Highlight: Yummy yummy spicy potatoes
Lowlight: Alien carrot
Paasha – Adam
Paasha had a sole reviewer, and it’s a damn shame that this kebab didn’t get to grace the taste buds of anyone else in the Critic office. Now, Paasha is an actual restaurant which separates it from most kebab shops in Dunedin that you can scramble into at 2am and have a kebab magically appear from some hole in the wall (looking at you, Nesli). It was a combination of this atmosphere and an overwhelmingly delicious smell of fresh pita (that was paired with a fortuitous self-imposed fast) that made this kebab more approachable than OUSA’s stress cuddle puppies. The initial bites of this combination kebab may be described as an out of body experience. The kebab was wonderfully juicy, the mouth was watering, the hands were messy, the meat wasn’t dryer than the Sahara and the salad didn’t feel like it had been in a cabinet for three and a half weeks! How novel. However, all good things must come to an end. Once you reached the mid-section of the kebab – but when the lust to fill your appetite wasn’t quite over – more tin foil stuck to this bad boy than when Brian Tamaki discovered 5G. The rest of the kebab remained delicious, but goddamn you had to work harder than a first year HSFY at St Marg’s to finish this thing. But as they say, the best things in life never come easy.
Price: $18
Location: St Andrews St
Paired with: Tinfoil
Highlight: Uncontrollable anticipation
Lowlight: Half the wrap being torn off with the tinfoil