One night when I was 17, I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t move my body. I’m talking about not even being able to open my fucking eyes. So I just lay there, thinking
“FUCK FUCK FUCK
Am I dead?
Am I having a nightmare?
Did I somehow break my neck and become completely paralysed?”
My body was still, but inside I was screaming and thrashing around. My chest felt like it was imploding, and I had an overwhelming sense of dread that someone was watching me. I tried to call for help, but the only sounds I could make were croaks and groans. I realised I was experiencing something I’d only briefly read about on the internet – sleep paralysis. Knowing this was temporary, I did my best to find sleep again. Awaiting me was a sequence of terrifying dreams punctuated by repeated awakenings, my body still immobile.
In one dream, I got out of bed and rushed to my mother’s room to try wake her up so she could, well, wake me up, essentially. Unable to wake her, I returned to my room.
Guess who was already there? Me.
I could see myself lying in bed, asleep. Terrified and fascinated, I stood over my body. I could see tears on my cheeks and my chest moving as I breathed. I reached out to touch my own face.
Immediately, I fell into my body and everything disappeared. Next thing I knew, I was upright in bed, hyperventilating and shaking. I’d like to say I was strong in that moment, but instead I wailed like a little bitch. I ran to my mum for comfort for the first time in years, and held her like a drunk girl who hasn’t seen her best friend in “omg, like, forever”. She thought I had lost the fucking plot, and so did I.
Now, I’m not a spiritual person at all. The whole “outer body experience” thing was a flat-out fantasy to me. But what I experienced was like dropping two tabs, watching a horror movie and then going for a wander in the Botans at 2am – and I duly refused to sleep for three days afterwards. Naturally, I avoided telling many people about it because I didn’t want them to think I’d boarded the train for Looney Lane.
So what the fuck even is sleep paralysis?
Basically, your mind is awake but your body isn’t. If that isn’t terrifying enough, hallucinations can also occur. Usually this involves a sinister presence in the room, accompanied by a sense of dread. Many have claimed it’s the Devil paying them a visit; from as far back as the 10th century (and as recently as the 19th century), medical records of sleep paralysis noted its cause as demons. You also experience chest discomfort, so basically it feels like you’re dying at the same time. Great fucking fun. Sleep paralysis generally lasts anywhere from 20 seconds to a few minutes, but, as in dreams, time is distorted during sleep paralysis. For an unlucky few, it can feel like forever.
What causes sleep paralysis?
Nothing, apparently. Sleep deprivation, stress, depression, genetics and certain medications can make you more likely to experience it, but ultimately there is no definitive cause – which sucks because you can’t avoid it.
How does sleep paralysis work?
Most of us dream every night, of running, flying, or sometimes (all the time for St Margs students) sex. But that doesn’t mean we walk around in our sleep, jump off buildings, or dry hump our pillows. This is because our brain puts our muscles into a low-paralysis state called atonia. Basically, atonia protects you from injury during sleeping. Sleep paralysis occurs when your mind is awake, but your body remains in REM atonia. Unfortunately, you can’t just wake yourself up from this state.
Sleep paralysis is so common that many are unaware there is even a name for it – luckily, I managed to find a few people to discuss their experiences with Critic.
Elisabeth
“I was five when I first experienced it. It was absolutely horrifying – I was too young to know what was going on, so I ran screaming into my parents’ room afterwards. And it’s even more terrifying the older you get, because it makes you feel crazy. The most intense one I remember was when I had false awakenings. I’d get up and do things in my room, then realise I was asleep, then think I was waking up again. This happened again and again, and each time I ‘woke up’ it got more fucked up, to the point where I was seeing demonic figures in my flat. When I finally managed to open my eyes, I was paralysed for a good ten minutes looking at a dark figure in the corner of my room. I think I cried for about three hours afterwards because I didn’t think I was actually awake. I’m not too sure why I had it so much, but I definitely believe it’s caused by stress and possibly going through really bad trauma when I was 15. My advice is that if it happens frequently, don’t nap during the day. That’s when mine is the worse because I’m never in a deep state of sleep. Also, don’t sleep on your back, and if you try to wriggle your toes and fingers you can sometimes snap out of it.”
Victoria
“Last year, it would happen almost every time I had a nap at my flat. I was 21. Every time I experienced it, I would be on my couch sleeping, but my eyes would be open and I would be staring out my window. I would hear my flatmate talking to me, and would try my hardest to answer her, or move, but couldn't. It was like I was being held down by something – but nothing was there. The scariest experience I ever had was falling asleep and being ‘woken up’ by the sound of people throwing rocks at my window. I could hear my flatmate yelling at me to wake up and help her. I tried to reach for my phone to call my mum but I couldn’t move. I was just lying there, staring at the window. Suddenly, all the noise disappeared and I shot up in my bed. My phone was in my hand and somehow I had opened a text to my mum, but had no memory of doing so. I went out of my room to discover my flatmate wasn't even home, and there was no one throwing rocks at my flat. But I could have sworn I’d heard all that. It's a terrifying feeling. You feel trapped in your own body, and when it's finally over you ask yourself "was that all a dream? It felt so real". Every time I experienced sleep paralysis it was during times of stress. I would have assignments due, and would be so tired that I would fall asleep studying. I feel as though it was my body's way of saying "this girl needs sleep," but my mind knew I had an assignment to finish and wanted me to wake up.”
George
“I’ve only experienced it once. I was 19 and sleeping after a flight to Tahiti, so I was in a hotel room. I sort of felt like I had woken up, but I was stuck in one position. My heart was beating fast, as I was panicking. I could see these human-shaped shadows in the corner of the room; it looked like they were looking through my bags. Time was going quite slowly. I thought to myself, “I’ve been drugged and robbed”. After what felt like quite a while I could move slightly, and I slowly wormed my way to the edge of the bed and slumped off. I was so scared I had to turn on the light to calm down. I even went over to my bags to check if things were taken. When I experienced it I had no idea what it was. I looked it up straight after waking up, and found out that it’s common, which calmed me down a lot. My grandma, my cousin and I had been travelling for just over a month when it happened, and after a bit of research I figured out that it probably happened due to over-tiredness from travel.”
So everyone seems to have reached the same conclusion about sleep paralysis – it’s fucking terrifying. But what’s important to remember is that it’s only temporary and it’s not life threatening. Don’t let stress get the better of you, make sure you have a decent sleep and talk to someone if you’re feeling down. So if you ever see demons in your room while asleep and you’re not on drugs, chances are you’re not as crazy as you think you are (hopefully).