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Josh Hercus reviews Dunedin ice cream.
 
Critic ice cream review criteria
 

Ice cream type: how good it tastes. Obviously, some places use the same stuff.
Price and quantity: is it a good size for the price? Standard size = two scoops, always on a cone.
Structural integrity: how well is that beast stacked? 45 degree angle tilt test.
Customer service: their demeanour/banter/general helpfulness.
 

Willow Bank:
 

Ice cream type: 4/5 - Tip Top. It was choice. A bit of a course texture and great flavour.
Price and quantity: 4/5 - $3.50. It was a pretty standard price and was a decent size.
Customer service: 2.5/5 - Dull. Getting ice creams should never be a dull experience. Despite my trying to kick-start conversation, the person serving me quickly shot down my amicable banter, leaving multiple awkward silences.
Structural integrity: 4/5 – Despite our strained relationship, the server did give me one well-stacked ice cream. The ice cream passed the 45 degree tilt test with flying colours. I probably could have started juggling it and it would have stayed together. The only downside is they gave me one of those paper things which is meant to prevent the ice cream getting on your cone or something. But all it ends up doing is making the paper stick to your cone and then you end up eating paper. Not a fan.
Total: 14.5/20

 
North Dunedin McDonalds:
 

Ice cream type: 1/5 – Now, I know it’s technically called a “soft serve” but for all intents and purposes it’s pretty much an ice cream. Well, that’s what I thought until I actually bought one. The ice cream can only be described as some sort of white frozen sludge. It was way too smooth for an ice cream replica but did have an ideal level of sweetness.
Price and quantity: 5/5 - At only 60 cents this was by far the cheapest purchase, and although it was only a single scoop you could easily purchase two for at least half the price of the others. It was a decent size considering it was only 60 cents.
Customer service: 3/5 – The guy serving me freaked out when I said “two scoops of soft serve please”. Maccers is always weird about anything that breaks up their perfectly geared production line. For example, I often go there rather inebriated and demand a boss burger combo that has the buns replaced with meat patties. Is that too much to ask for? Anyway, the guy serving me tried to throw me a curve ball by saying he could give me two cones. Naturally I called his bluff and asked him to at least try two scoops. He told me it wasn’t possible because “it would go everywhere!” Still, at least he made my ice cream experience entertaining.
Structural integrity: 0/5 – Obviously I couldn’t measure structural integrity since it was only one scoop. Although when I did turn it upside down, it still clung to the cone more than Steven Seagal clings to his acting career.
Total: 9/20
 

2/4
 

Ice cream type: 3.5/5 – Streets. Outrageously, they had run out of cookies and cream so I had to get banana, berry and chocolate or something. It’s a great ice cream but the texture is a bit weird. That may have just been ice in the ice or something but, either way, Tip Top is better in my opinion.
Price and quantity: 2.5/5 – Wee bit pricey at $3.90. What’s worse is that the quantity was not that great. I know it’s the 2/4, but surely they could provide a bigger ice cream for that price?
Customer service: 4/5 – Not much banter until right at the end when I was paying for it. Something went wrong with the till and the man serving me said “sorry, I’ve been away for seven months”. I was all like “cooleo, bro. Where’d ya go?” He then proceeded to tell me about how he broke his neck and how he was lucky to be alive. I was stoked for him, of course. But I was left in a state of confusion. Was that awkward or heart-warming? I mean, awkward in the sense that you don’t usually tell someone you nearly died when you’re serving them ice cream; that’s a bit of a down buzz. At the same time, it was an interesting story.
Total: 10/20
 

Campus Wonderful
 

Ice cream type: 4/5 – Tip Top. Again, standard stuff.
Price and quantity: 4/5 - $3.50. Good size and good price.
Customer service: 4/5 - Again, more awkward silences but he was quick. I like that.
Structural integrity: 2/5 - This ice cream was as lopsided as Courtney Love’s face. To make matters worse, the 45 degree tilt test caused the cone to crack and nearly break. Only my vast experience in ice cream engineering saved the ice cream from toppling. It didn’t end up breaking but it was a pain in the arse to eat.
Total: 14/20

 
Jumbo Dairy, North Easy Valley
 

Ice cream type: 4/5 – Tip Top.
Price and Quantity: 4/5 - Good size, fair price at $3.50.
Customer service: 2/5 – It wasn’t amazing. The guy serving me told me that it was meant to be his day off and that no one should have to work with such great weather. I completely agreed with him; it totally sucks having to work on a sunny day, especially when you’re getting paid to eat ice creams. Ha! Just kidding, it’s awesome! Anyway, I felt like he couldn’t be arsed serving me which made my magical ice cream experience not so magical.
Structural integrity: 4/5 - Despite the cranky pants demeanour, it was quite a good stack. Engineers confirmed that the ice cream was structurally sound.
Total: 14/20
 

Union Grill
 

Ice cream type: 4/5 – Tip Top
Price and quantity: 4/5 – It was slightly smaller than some of the others but made up for this by being slightly cheaper at only $3.30. Considering this is Union Grill, that’s a pretty good deal.
Customer service: 3.5/5 - I think they had a new person on the till because she appeared to have no idea what was going on or what to do. After a minute or so, someone else took over, leaving me waiting and wondering what was happening. When someone finally came to serve me, I actually felt sorry for her. The ice cream she was trying to scrape out was clearly rock hard and looked like a massive mission to get out. I applauded her tenacity.
Structural integrity: 4/5 - On the whole, it was a good stack with no obvious deficiencies.
Total: 15.5/20
 

Wendy’s
 

Ice cream type: 4.5/5 – Wendy’s own ice cream. It’s much creamier and has quite a strong flavour. Might be a bit strong for some people.
Price and quantity: 4/5 - The ice cream was a bit on the expensive side at $4.20. Still, it was a delicious ice cream and came with a large waffle cone. Reasonable size.
Customer service: 5/5 – I was actually quite impressed with the service. It was prompt and when I asked about the ice creams the lady told me about how their ice cream was made with “real cream and not powder”. To my surprise, you can actually taste the difference. She was a good salesperson.
Structural integrity: 4.5/5 – That large waffle cone had a role to play in keeping it stable. It was quite well stacked.
Total: 18/20
 

Rob Roy
 

Ice cream type: 4/5 - Tip Top.
Price and Quantity: 5/5 – Not only was the ice cream the biggest but it was basically the cheapest too at only $2.40! That is an amazing deal and it was massive.
Customer service: 5/5 – I went in with the hard questions. “How high can you stack them?” I asked before I ordered. They then recommended the “double” which was apparently four scoops! Madness! I got the single (which is actually two scoops). There was some good banter. Apparently, on a day with good weather they sell around 350 ice creams a day. The person serving me was generally pretty chirpy. Top performance.
Structural integrity: 5/5 – Fuck the pyramids, how Rob Roy manages to put so much ice cream on a single cone without it spilling is a god damn marvel of science. It feels like you’re carrying a small sledgehammer. That’s how heavy it is. The only disadvantage is that you actually need to strategically eat it before it eventually caves in on itself. Sure, you always see people outside dropping their ice cream everywhere. That’s because the ice cream gods have deemed them unworthy to consume such an engineering beauty.
Total: 19/20