News

What a year it has been. The naïve, innocent little first years who joined us in February are now all grown up. In fact it’s hard to believe that less than eight months ago these shameless, grubby little creatures were STI-free, respectable members of society whose parents still loved them.

We’ll kick off the final edition of this column for 2011 with a story about a girl from Arana. Arana has copped a bit of slack ever since its inception in 1943, often due to the unjustified smugness of its inhabitants. However this chick sounds like a right good bitch. During a night out on the town the lovely young woman in question did what any courteous girl would do, and went home with the first guy who graced her with a dance on the sticky floors of the Monkey. Under the impression that she had been escorted back to the gentleman’s flat for a routine game of ‘find the cervix’, the lass’s poorer than average observational skills meant that she failed to notice that she was in fact situated in a backpacker’s dormitory. She then proceeded to have her interior walls given a nice coat of white in the dorm room, whilst the man’s 20 or so rugby teammates slumbered pleasantly to the refrains of mingled moaning.
 
Another girl from Arana apparently has no problem with public displays of sexuality either. Multiple eyewitnesses have informed Critic that this girl frequents the common room in order to use the communal telephone to make explicit phone calls to her boyfriend. Undeterred by other people being in the room, she apparently spares no details whilst informing her partner what she would like to do with his packet of frankfurters and a can of his Mr Cheese. Critic suggests that the girl invests in a mobile phone so she can have these kinds of phone calls in private like a normal person.
 
In other news, the Master of Knox is sick and tired of all the residents of his castle doing nothing but sink piss. An age-old tradition that has graced this college is the ‘Super Attics’ custom whereby the six rooms at the top of the tower are always given to those returning students nominated as the ‘scarfiest cunts’ by the previous years ‘Super Boys’ who occupied those rooms. Apart from sounding like some self-fellating ritual, this tradition has supposedly led to more debauchery and fun than is deemed acceptable by the powers-that-be. The tradition has been banned and next year these rooms will go to the six people who get on worst with the current ‘Super Boys’. Critic is aware that this is big news in Knox, which is why we printed it, although we severally doubt anyone else in the world will care at all.
 
Other residents who are unhappy with the current state of management in their college are the morons that made the terrible mistake of agreeing to hand over $312 a week in exchange for the unfortunate experience of living in City Col. Critic has been informed that the dastardly Head of College has been confiscating the weekly airdrop of boxes of delicious Critic magazines, apparently to prevent his victims from enjoying the equal second best student publication in New Zealand. The head of CityCol denies it, but Critic remains suspicious.
 
Turning to a hot topic at the moment, flat initiations, one UniCol fresher found himself in a minor spot of bother when, on the tail end of an initiation ceremony, he shat himself and comatosed in the wrong floor’s toilets. Innocent bystanders were concerned after discovering the man unconscious and soaking in his own deposits, although apparently not concerned enough to do anything about it. However, hours later their negligence was rewarded when one of the girls heard disturbing noises coming from the violated cubicle, as the man, somehow aroused by the situation he found himself in, decided to rub one out for value.
 
Continuing along with the enjoyable theme of masturbation, one Selwyn resident has been recognised by his peers for his prodigious talent of playing with himself an excessive amount. The man, aptly named ‘Smoodiver’, has been lauded by local wanking enthusiasts as the next ‘big thing’ after achieving an impressive 23 wanks in one day. Unfortunately, however, this spectacular achievement was not recognised at the recent Blues awards. Maybe at the White awards?
 
Finally, one poor girl with the patience of a saint had to endure an up-close, and all-too-personal, encounter with an intoxicated man trying to push out a poo on her room’s carpet. After he had done the deed, the crazed lunatic then insisted that if she did not take a photo of his droppings, he would have no choice but to smear it all over the walls. The scat bandit then proceeded to collect all the logs and nuggets and place them in a neatly arranged pile with his bare fingers. Wonderfully, the girl obliged with his obscene requests and told Critic that the guy was going to have to shave an eyebrow off if he chickened out of the stunt, which made it all okay in her book.
 
That’s it for 2011. Hope you pubes have a nice summer and keep it scarfie.