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The race for the Republican presidential nomination drags hilariously on. Actually, given that at the time of writing Mitt Romney has just won in the key state of Ohio, the race may actually be over by the time this issue of Critic gets published. In that case, don’t think of this blurb as obsolete, even though it probably is. Think of it as an enlightening window into an unenlightened age and, instead of reading on, reflect on the fleeting nature of temporal phenomena and the essential relativity of time and space.

Either that or the four staid, loopy white stiffs who are continuing with their Quixotic quest to beat each other to a pulp so that Obama doesn’t have to – in which case Critic will strain its newfound penchant for refreshingly contemporary journalism by reporting on events that, though as-yet-unrealized, may well be hitting the wires just as you open this magazine. Events like Mitt Romney flip-flopping, Ron Paul being scarily consistent (I think he might actually be a robot), Newt Gingrich blaming the “media elite” and Rick Santorum acting like some sort of Freudian lube/poo cocktail.

In case you’ve been living under a rock – or somewhere else that isn’t, you know, Bizarro World – over the past few months the four candidates have been entertaining liberals everywhere by engaging in a headlong race for the hearts and minds of the lowest common denominator – a denominator that, if the candidates’ campaign strategies are anything to go by, is in serious need of therapy. The rules of the game seem to be that the candidate who is most overtly misogynistic, sanctimonious, xenophobic, jingoistic and hypocritical wins.

Enter the four remaining candidates. First, there’s Romney, the world’s richest chameleon, worth $250million USD, but paying only 15% tax. On a recent trip to a NASCAR race to show that he was down with the folks (and to mitigate the bad press after talking about how his wife owned “two Cadillacs” – itself an attempt to mitigate bad press after having voted against a bailout that ultimately saved Michigan’s auto industry), Romney was asked if he followed the sport. “Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans,” he replied. “But I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners.”

Next up, Gingrich, who claims to have been Ronald Regan’s BFF, based largely on a picture of him drinking tea with the visibly uncomfortable then-President. A charming man with a penchant for trading in seriously ill wives for younger, healthier models, Gingrich’s star has inexplicably waned over recent weeks.
Santorum’s surname has been near ruined by an internet meme popularising it as denoting “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” but he remains popular for his “socially conservative” (i.e. bigoted in every conceivable way) views. He has compared homosexual sex to bestiality, and during a debate promised, if elected, to “nuke Iran”.

Finally, there is Paul, whose support seems largely limited to YouTube comments sections (polling has, after all, identified viewers of “Go! Bwaaah!” as a key swing demographic). Paul inspires new levels of mouth-foaming, pants-jizzing fervour among his acolytes primarily because he is a politician who is consistent, rather than consistently crazy, and because he is capable of articulating this consistency when Fox News pundits and Republican debate moderators give him the opportunity (which they never do).

So far the contest has been fought between Romney and “anti-Romney” – a position that exists because Romney is one of the most gaffe-prone, incompetent and unlikable frontrunners in the history of, well, competitive stuff. His appeal is based solely on the fact that he’s the candidate most likely to beat Obama – a selling point which, the longer this freak-show of a nomination process continues, looks increasingly moot. Nevertheless, no anti-Romney has lasted. The role has been performed at various times by Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Herman Cain (all of whom were hilarious but have, sadly, pulled out); Sarah Palin and Donald Trump (both of whom never ran, but toyed with the idea); and Gingrich. Santorum currently occupies the post, and the frothy former Senator is the last realistic contender (though if YouTube views were votes, Paul would have won already). And yes, a world in which Santorum could be a realistic contender for anything other than electro-shock therapy is one scary-as-fuck world