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Ricki Herbert quit his job last week. Herbert had been in charge of the Wellington Phoenix since 2007. In that time he had a meagre 53 wins out of 154 games, a win percentage of around 34%. The Phoenix are woeful, and have been since their inception. Now, this may seem to be bordering on slander (and yes I do want my own “I hate Gus Gawn” page), but hear me out. If you can honestly say you have watched a full game featuring a team Ricki Herbert oversees and not been tempted to see if there was a netball game on another channel, then 1) you don’t know a thing about football, 2) you are in denial, oh, and 3) you’re head mental.

Herbert coached the only professional side in New Zealand as well as the national team. A management student told me this is what is called the “agency problem.” I told him that I didn’t ask him and would he please stop looking into my cubicle. Whether or not Herbert benched All Whites players when they had a Phoenix game soon after is an argument for another time, but we all know that he did.

Chris Greenacre, who has been under Herbert’s tutelage for just under a year, has been named interim manager for the rest of the season. Greenacre has said that he is too young to be considered for the job full-time, and that he owes a lot to Ricki for placing him under his wing. He added a special thank you to Ricki for sharing his rare cheeses with him. Greenacre declined to say what Herbert’s favourite cheese was, but everybody knows he’s a Gouda man.

Herbert has since accepted the position of technical football advisor with the Phoenix. Although nobody within the franchise was available to comment on what that exactly means, a Weta Workshop employee let slip that they had been commissioned to create a bronze statue of Herbert posing in the Mario Balotelli shirtless death-stare-flex goal celebration from Euro 2012.

The Phoenix played the Heart at Forsyth Barr on Sunday. With Herbert gone I hope some free-flowing football was on show. Both teams are rubbish but often when two shit teams collide it can provide an entertaining game.