Following an attempt to separate themselves further from society, Aquinas College has been punished for hiding their weekly delivery of Critic magazines in a corner of the building’s foyer.
The box of magazines, which was delivered on Monday 25 February, was shunned and hidden out of sight for an entire week. It remained there unopened until the following Monday.
A Critic source commented on the incident, stating that “the flagrant disrespect shown to the beautiful box of Critic magazines by the denizens of Aquinas is unsurprising coming from a bunch of second-tier rejects who couldn’t even get accepted into UniCol.” The source then considered that “those hill-dwelling hicks probably can’t even read.”
As a consequence of Aquinas’s inability to complete the simple task of opening the box and putting the magazines in the display stand, they have lost their Critic privileges. Critic’s editor, Callum Fredric, who was deeply offended by the incident, did not take this decision lightly.
During an emotional press conference, Fredric said, “I felt shocked and appalled. We spent hours hand-dyeing and stapling 5000 copies of the first issue, and to find out that our hands have been permanently stained red for nothing was a cruel blow indeed.”
“Much like Jesus, I hope they learn from their punishment and come back as better people,” added Fredric. “Just as every fresher writes Aquinas last on their list of preferred halls, so too does Critic after this unforgivable display of impudence.”
A resident of Aquinas told Critic they had “no idea about what went on, but obviously someone fucked up.”
On Thursday 7 March, Critic once again inspected Aquinas and found that very few copies of Issue #2 had been taken from the box, which had once again been expertly concealed. Critic hopes Aquinas’s staff enjoyed their little joke while it lasted, because it will be a cold day in hell before the college plays host to these pages again.
Aquinas Loses Critic Privileges
