News

Disgruntled moteliers and neighbours – and trampolines – are the latest victims of the plague of rowdy Scarfies, making this week’s Proctology look like an episode of Neighbours at War.

Known to some as “The Tavern,” a student establishment in Woodhaugh has taken remembering their pint-pouring forefathers to a new level, much to the dismay of their “normal neighbours.” What typically starts as a quiet night at the Tavern with the 11 residents is, “all of a sudden, huge” when each invite a handful of mates along, according to the Proctor. While the same scenario on Dundas or Clyde “wouldn’t raise an eyebrow,” the Proctor has had a “few days listening to neighbours that express their unhappiness about bloody students in general.” Critic notes that a peace offering in the form of a pint for the normal, non-Scarfie neighbours might not be the best way to love thy neighbour. Another neighbour in North East Valley bounced into problems with the Scarfie breed after students came and, drunkenly, jumped on his kids’ trampoline. In what could have been a poor dismount, but more likely penance for said neighbour mowing his lawns at 9am on a Sunday, the bouncing Scarfies tore off a wing mirror on their way out. Proctor Valuation Services puts wing mirrors at anywhere from “a hundred or two hundred dollars, to two or three thousand dollars.” Regardless, the Proctor said that any one caught doing it again would be issued a fine. “So instead of having a party, they give [the money] to me.” While Critic wishes we could report that the Proctor has a fetish for buying extortionately priced exotic insects and that his office looks like an Entomology museum, any proceeds from fines actually go to the Emergency Student Fund – a fund that students can access if in immediate financial need like, for instance, covering expenses to attend a funeral.

Another victim of the Scarfie plague came after a student fed up with the University Network (gasp!), got very frustrated and “berated the IT staff for their perceived lack of action.” The proctor said it “probably wasn’t [IT’s] fault,” and that students should “give the IT guys a break,” especially because “defending a million inputs from outside attacks isn’t completely easy.” The only break Critic can think of giving IT is the one now separating your laptop screen from it’s keyboard after YouTube failed to load past another Rhys Darby ad, and you’ve thrown your laptop 2 degrees too far into the ground.