News

This week in Proctology has revealed that a bit of broken glass may be good for University finances, and “slurping the suds” in the Botanic Gardens is not advised. The Proctor has said there has “been an increase” in the amount of bottle breaking going on around campus. While it “might sound nice breaking the bottle,” the reality is that you’re only breaking the bank. For the month of March alone, people have paid $2,715 to the Student Emergency Fund. “So if that keeps up that is going to be $20,000 that students are paying the University for breaking glass.”

Aside from the Proctor rolling gloriously in students’ dollars, he was concerned with an increased danger on the walkways throughout campus due to speeding cyclists and skateboarders. “We are looking at increasing our efforts to stopping people riding faster than a walking pace on campus.” He took a hard line and recommended you “keep it to a walking pace. If you can’t, get off and walk,” or alternatively pay a $30 fine toward his golden parlour in the heavens of the St David lecture theatre.

Despite the weather cooling, the Botanic Gardens are still proving to be an alluring place for students to go and have been “getting a lot of visits,” especially the Mediterranean Garden. The concern is that students “go pee in the bushes, drop glass, graffiti, and break shrubs,” and leave it all for “Gardens staff to clean it up.”
While cruises around the Mediterranean might lead to many having a butler at their beck and call, the Gardens’ staff seem more attuned to pruning than students puking.

A group of 20 international students also took to the gardens “dressed up in hair curlers and dressing gowns and one person as a Buzzy Bee,” all at about 9am in the morning. The Proctor warned that the group were “climbing trees, and when called on they fell out.” He said in situations like this “someone will get hurt, so please don’t use Gardens as a venue for slurping the suds.”