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To the black, red and yellow World Cup desk where, like a good holiday in Brazil, it is fun at the time but you’re always happy to get home and back to normal once it’s all over. The 2014 edition of the World Cup was very exciting with a record amount of goals scored and enough controversy and funny moments to give all the pundits and fans plenty to talk about.

While your flatmate or your neighbour has probably now buried their Neymar or Messi shirt deep in their closet and is now probably saying, “I never gave Brazil a chance” and “ I thought Germany would win all along,” us here at Critic were bold enough to print our predictions months ago and can prove that we made a lot of the right calls. Perhaps Zane actually knew what he was doing when putting together his editorial team ...

So until Russia 2018 rolls around, here are the coveted quadrennial Critic World Cup awards for 2014!

Best Team:
How could it not be Germany? The best team over the whole tournament with the core of the team having been together since winning the Under 21 Championship in 2009. They have stuck together and gone on to win what is arguably the most coveted prize there is in world sports. Also they became the first European team to win the cup in South America. I was eventually proved right after stating that:
“Germany are my favourites to win.”

Veteran striker Miroslav Klose will retire as a World Cup winner and the all-time highest World Cup goal-scorer with 16 goals from his four tournaments, many of which were scored with his head that has had more than a hint of a mullet at times.

Best Player:
James Rodriguez of Colombia ended the tournament as top scorer with six goals, two assists and 89 per cent strike accuracy. He gained equal amounts of press and praise for his skills and goals but also for having a giant grasshopper land on his arm after scoring a penalty against Brazil.

FIFA seemed to disagree and awarded the FIFA Golden Ball for best player to Argentina’s Lionel Messi who is Adidas’ highest-paid footballer, earning big bucks to be their global poster boy for the sport. How he managed to win the Adidas-sponsored Golden Ball award I just can’t quite figure out ... Apart from a few fleeting moments of genius, a lot of the time he wasn’t even the best player in his own team.

Best Coach:
I have to give it to the triple-chinned Netherlands boss, Louis Van Gaal, who didn’t win the Cup but managed his squad perfectly to come within a penalty shootout of back-to-back final appearances. They were the only team to use all 23 of their squad members and bringing on Tim Krul for the shootout against Costa Rica proved to be a bit of tactical genius. Once again Critic was proved correct predicting that the Dutch were:
“A very solid squad that should go through. They will be a threat in the knockout stages but won’t make it back to the final.”

As he announced months ago, Van Gaal now steps down to take over at Manchester United. Don’t be surprised if a few of his loyal compatriots follow him to England.

Most Shocking Moments:
In terms of incidents, the Suarez bite will probably live on as the most infamous and memorable moment of the tournament, which Critic ominously foreshadowed months ago:
“If Suarez continues his Premier League form and doesn’t intentionally handball, bite or racially abuse anyone then [Uruguay] should go through.”

As far as shocking results go I would rank the Germans’ stereotypically clinical and efficient 7 – 1 demolition job on the hosts in the semi finals just a bit higher than the Netherlands 5 – 1 comeback against defending champions Spain.

Biggest Surprises:
Got to give it to the feisty Costa Ricans who surprised everyone by topping Group D and making a run to the quarter finals where they were so close to a semi final spot as they held the Dutch all the way through extra time to just miss out on penalties. One prediction we got horribly wrong saying:
“They would have struggled in most groups and certainly [have] no chance here.”

Defending champions Spain put in a surprisingly weak defence of their title. My prediction proved half correct but actually gave them way too much credit as they were knocked out after only two group games:
“Are among the favourites but some tired old legs will catch up with them in a semi final loss to the eventual winner.”

Biggest Disappointments:
England were abysmal once again and even more so than most predicted. Germany, with 7 goals in their semi final, scored more goals in that single game than England have managed in their last two World Cups. We couldn’t have been more right by saying:
“Hate to say it but they will probably make right twats of themselves once again.”
Despite the lavish budget the opening ceremony had the lowest-looking production value and sound quality since my high school’s questionable rendition of Romeo and Juliet. It was only made worse by the loathsome Pitbull’s appearance in a fake-looking yellow Brazil shirt tucked over his potbelly into tight white pants that were rolled up at the bottom and paired, sockless, with matching white boat shoes.

Best Game:
The group stage was very open and attacking which dried up in the knockout stages as the teams were more cagey and defensive. Belgium vs. USA in the Round of 16 was one of the more exciting matches. There were 56 shots on goal and USA keeper Tim Howard set a new world record with the amount of saves he made. The game went to extra time and the Belgians survived a late rally by the Americans to just hold on for a 2 – 1 win.

Best Goals:
Best goal award also goes to our “Best Player” winner, Colombia’s James Rodriguez, who scored with a stunning volley in their knockout game against Uruguay. His goals also inspired his team to show some of the best goal celebration choreography ever seen at a World Cup.

Runner up for best goal is “The Flying Dutchman” Robin Van Persie who did his best Superman impersonation against Spain with his stunning and elegant diving header that spawned many entertaining memes and gifs.

Boy Who Cried Wolf Award:
Goes to Brazil’s poster boy Neymar! Everyone was so used to seeing him diving and play acting that when he took a knee to the back against Colombia even the cameramen thought he was trying to have us on again so didn’t pay him much attention. Turns out he had actually received a fractured vertebrae and suffered temporary paralysis as a result of that very mild challenge. He wouldn’t last two minutes in a game of rugby.