News

To the “it’s not soccer, it’s football” desk and there are reports of a bumper day for Dunedin black and white face paint retailers as the “Football United” tour kicked off in Dunedin last Tuesday with English Premier League side Newcastle United taking on Australian also-rans, Sydney F.C.

Despite a large number of the supporters donning the classic black and white stripes of Newcastle, the team decided to turn out in a boring and depressing all-grey kit, much to the disappointment of several members of the 10,000-strong crowd. I have seen plenty of Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester United shirts being worn around Dunedin but never a Newcastle shirt until game night. Where have they been hiding?

However, despite being stood up by my date I still joined the surprisingly large crowd filing down both sides of Union St towards the concrete, steel and tetrafluoroethylene engineering marvel that is Forsyth Barr Stadium. This is where we pick up the diarised story of an introverted Critic sports reporter’s night at the football ...

7:30pm - The rowdy Toon Army manage to stay quiet for 50-odd seconds of the minute’s silence for the two Newcastle fans, John Alder and Liam Sweeney, who were victims of the Malaysian Airlines crash while en route to Dunedin.
KICK OFF! - Sydney control the ball well in the opening few minutes. Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center! Center holds it! Holds it!! HOLDS IT!!!
6 mins - The remainder of the Toon Army show up, much to the delight of the others. Incoherent chanting ensues and a bottle is thrown.
10 mins - I am shocked by the amount of football mis-information being imparted to the ladies behind me by an older guy wearing a suspiciously new-looking Newcastle shirt. However, I don’t feel the need for the ego boost that would come from correcting him.
15 mins – Late-comers seem to think our row is a thoroughfare. I make it as difficult as possible for them, falsely claiming poor leg mobility because of a knee injury.
19 mins - GOAL! - The Sydney keeper makes a complete mess of things and is punished by the new United signing, Siem de Jong. The “dodgy keeper” is then made to endure about a minute’s worth of the classic chant, “You fucked up! You fucked up!” A family of likely Colin Craig supporters a few rows in front of us seems disgusted with the foul language.
26 mins - GOAL! - Another new signing scores; this time it’s Emmanuel Riviere and it’s 2 - 0. Quickly followed up with chants of “Sydney are wankers!” alternating with “Who likes fucking Sydney?!” Maybe the couple in their blue Del Piero Number 10 shirts?
29 mins - A round of applause around the stadium as a remembrance for supporter Liam Sweeney, a long time volunteer steward for the club.
33 mins - GOAL! - Pretty unlucky for Sydney here, actually, as Yanga-Mbiwa’s ambitious shot takes a big deflection off a Sydney defender and into the top corner making it 3 - 0.
HALF TIME - The entertainment has arrived! Unfortunately for the captive audience at Forsyth Barr it is barely even a band as two young kids set up their drums and guitar and start singing Neil Diamond’s classic “Sweet Caroline.” I hope for the sprinklers to come on but they don’t oblige. T-shirts are then shot into the crowd. An old dude in an Arsenal hat fumbles but regathers admirably.
45 mins - Newcastle goalkeeper Rob Elliot takes up his goal in front of the Zoo. I make a note to mock his offensively fluorescent “health and safety” kit that would see him welcomed onto any building site.
48 mins - Sydney are being pressed very deep into their own half for long periods. Another old dude is well prepared for this with his cheap-looking binoculars making an appearance.
55 mins - I am now cold and wondering why I actually give a shit about archaic English sports. Did I turn my heater on before I left home?
60 mins - Another big round of applause, this time for deceased fan John Alder who only missed one home game at St. James Park since 1973. Can’t be a more devoted supporter than that.
64 mins - I realise that people are probably judging me and thinking I am a right loser for taking notes at a pre-season football match. I know this isn’t a lecture. This is the glamorous world of amateur sports journalism and these articles don’t write themselves.
68 mins - Action on the sidelines as plenty of substitutions are made. I am happy to see Sammy Ameobi come on as I like his haircut, although I am resigned to the fact that I am too white to pull it off myself.
79 mins - A close-up shot of the silver-haired Newcastle manager Alan Pardew on the big screen gets some cheers and a few wolf-whistles from the Toon Army. He is a handsome man.
81 mins - An ill-placed but well received “Otaaaaaagggggoooooooooo!” chant rings out.
85 mins - GOAL! - Substitute striker Adam Armstrong makes it 4 - 0 after some slick build-up passing with Adam Campbell. “Who likes fucking Sydney?! Who likes fucking Sydney?!” starts up again.
88 mins - Sydney have their best chance of the game with a powerful long distance strike going just wide. The Toon Army tries but fails to get a Mexican Wave going.
90 mins - The Toon Army starts a chant of “We want five! We want five!” Newcastle can’t deliver another goal but the timekeeper obliges and five minutes of extra time is added.
9:30pm - FULL TIME - Final round of applause for the Newcastle lads who look like they appreciate the support. Everyone starts to leave and the intoxicated Toon Army heads back to their barely inhabitable flat on Clyde Street for a “lock in.” In Dane’s room, apparently. I decline the offer and keep on walking through campus.
10:00pm - I arrive home to find I had remembered to turn my heater on, made a greasy steak sandwich, and retired to bed with a mug of red wine to start writing this article.