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This week we go to the Weirwood and Valyrian steel football desk where over the past few years our two favourite things to illegally stream online have been HBO’s violent, softcore-pornography drama, Game of Thrones, and the less violent but equally awesome male soap-opera that is the English Premier League. While the next season of Game of Thrones is still many, many months away the 2014/15 Premier League has just kicked off so to get in the mood for the season ahead we have put together an unexpected mashup, recapping the events of the last few seasons of both “games.” These days, spoilers are viewed as a crime worthy of beheading so readers beware: Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert!

House Lannister of Manchester City
“Hear Me Roar”
The Lannisters have a precarious hold on power in Westeros owing much to their political machinations and the deep pockets of overseas financiers. This is very similar to the recent rise of Manchester City, whose Middle-Easton owners have financed the purchase of many sell-swords who have helped City to the Premier League title in 2012 and 2014. If City boss Manuel Pellegrini doesn’t deliver continued success he might meet the same unfortunate fate as patriarch Tywin Lannister. Manchester City retain the services of their “King Slayer” Sergio Aguero who will always be remembered for his injury time goal that won them the Premier League in 2012, ripping it out of the hands of their bitter rivals, Manchester United. Also amongst their ranks is everyone’s favourite little imp, David Silva. “A Lannister always pays his debts” is a well known line from the show and Manchester City have had to make good on this pledge by paying a £49 million pound fine as punishment for breaching the rules of financial fair play.

House Targaryen of Liverpool
“Fire and Blood”
The Targaryens ruled Westeros for many years before being knocked off their perch by the Baratheon usurpers. Similarly, Liverpool ruled the roost in England for many years before the introduction of the Premier League saw their power decline to the benefit of their great rival, Manchester United. The young but strong-willed Daenerys Targaryen has spent previous seasons breaking chains and recruiting new soldiers from Qarth to Mereen whilst nurturing her young dragons: the temperamental Drogon and his siblings Rhaegal and Viserion. The young but strong-willed Liverpool boss, Brendan Rodgers, has been on a similar recruitment drive of his own from Portugal to Germany while also nurturing his own young dragons, last season’s temperamental top scorer Suarez and his understudies Sturridge and Sterling. At the end of last season Daenerys was heartbroken to learn that Drogon had killed the innocent daughter of a goat herder and has since disappeared, whereabouts unknown. During the World Cup, Rodgers was equally heartbroken to learn that Suarez had bitten the innocent shoulder of yet another opponent and has since disappeared, transferred to Barcelona.

House Tyrell of Chelsea
“Growing Strong”
The Tyrells are a modest House with only a limited amount of recent success of which to brag about. Much like Chelsea in the capital of London, the Tyrells’ current power and status in the capital of Kings Landing is derived through their money and shrewd political machinations. Despite Chelsea’s recent emergence as a powerful player, they lack the respect of the wider footballing community just as no one truly respects the Tyrells, criticising both for being nouveau-riche usurpers. Both the Tyrells and Chelsea have had to enter into marriages of convenience for their long-term benefit and survival. Margaery and Loras have been pimped out to the Baratheons and Lannisters to help solidify the Tyrells’ positions of power in the same way that Mata and Lukaku were sent north to United and Everton at different times to try and take away points of Chelsea’s more immediate title rivals. Although her half-witted son Mace is the head of House Tyrell it is the canny old Matriarch Olenna Tyrell who is really pulling the strings. Her subtle but effective playing of the "Game of Thrones" is par excellence with the brilliance of Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho who plays the Premier League mind games better than anyway and constantly gets the half-witted Chelsea owner, Roman Abramovich, to stump up the cash to help the team keep “Growing Strong.”

House Martell of Arsenal
“Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken”
Oberyn Martell arrived in the capital at the start of last season full of swagger and memorable one-liners. Much the same way Arsene Wenger and his Arsenal side started their season, leading the table for the majority of the season and over the busy Christmas period. In Oberyn’s “trial by combat” with “The Mountain” he gained the upper hand in the early stages and we all thought he was destined for victory until his ego got in the way; instead of finishing off The Mountain he insisted that The Mountain confess to the rape and murder of his sister. This lead to Oberyn suffering a skull crushing defeat that came as quite the shock to the disbelieving audience. This was reflected in Arsenal’s eventual downfall. The team on top of the table after Christmas and New Year has historically gone on to win the title but, like Oberyn, Wenger got a little too cocky and refused to splash the cash in the January transfer window as his ego is built on consistent success without the big spending of his rivals. He refused to purchase another striker and Arsenal ran out of steam and ended up suffering a soul crushing defeat that came as quite a shock to their disbelieving fans.

House Stark of Tottenham Hotspur
“Winter is Coming”
While the cockerel mascot of Tottenham Hotspur isn’t nearly as intimidating as the Direwolf sigil of House Stark there are many similarities between the two nonetheless. The Starks fight to maintain control of the North of Westeros while Spurs find themselves constantly under siege in their seat of power in the North of London. Like the honourable and much liked Ned and Robb Stark, recent Spurs managers Andre Villas-Boas and Tim Sherwood have met the same fate as their honourable Stark counterparts, all of these beheadings coming as an untimely shock to their respective audiences. In recent seasons Jon Snow, the Starks’ best swordsmen, decided he wasn’t fitting in at Winterfell and decided to “take the black” and head north to join the Night’s Watch on the “The Wall.” Similarly, the very popular Gareth Bale, Spurs’ best striker, decided he wasn’t fitting in at White Hart Lane and decided to “take the white” and head south to join the Los Blancos in Real Madrid. With the loss of Bale many Spurs fans feared the often mentioned winter had finally arrived and with most of their elders dead or sold, both Spurs and the Starks will be relying on their plucky younger generations to fly the flag.

House Baratheon of Manchester United
“Ours is the Fury”
In Robert Baratheon and Sir Alex Ferguson you had a fat, red-nosed drunk in charge of a respected House/club. They were both past their prime when they passed the crown to their illegitimate heirs, Joffrey and David Moyes, who both proved to be unfit leaders that were universally despised as a King and a manager, one for being generally sadistic and the other for being generally incompetent. Their time on the throne was cut short, being poisoned out of the top job by those close to the throne. New United boss Louis van Gaal will need to have a major internal shake up to bring back the fury that made United so feared and revered. While Wayne Rooney is as dumb as Hodor, he is also the Stannis of Man United. Urged on by his greedy Melisandre-esque wife, Coleen, Rooney claims that he is the rightful heir to the captaincy of the United and England teams. However, many people disrespect him and his claim, accusing him of being unfit to lead because he is overpaid and underperforming.