News

The new Editor of Critic for 2015 was announced last week. Josie Cochrane is “well chuffed” to be handling the reigns next year. She’s a blonde British case, both literally and metaphorically, and resides in the yonder hills of Dunedin. Floppy Jockles, Joppy Flockles and Flippy Whipples are just some of her many personas, but she prefers to be addressed as Cosie Jochrane when nicknames are required. “None of those names are a reference to body parts,” she claims.

Josie is renowned for her vehicular incompetence. Her gold Nissan Bluebird, with a collection of tickets left in the windscreen and an expired Warrant of Fitness, can be found hanging around the OUSA buildings. You can also look for a car with the keys left in the door, ready for anyone to nick it. Occasionally the boot is left open, too. It’s hard to miss. Josie says she is ecstatic about having an allocated car park for the year, “it’s going to save me at least $500 a semester on parking tickets. Now the meter man can pick on someone else. Those DCC tossers.” Critic recommends that she just pay for parking once in a while. “No,” she says. “I get away with it sometimes when he’s in a good mood.”

Josie plans on moving closer to campus in anticipation of more late nights and even more early starts. She currently resides in a “Harry Potter-style cupboard” in her flat beyond the Octagon. She says she will miss her flatmates and the way her room sways in the wind, but late night walks have their limits.

When asked how female leadership will change the scene for Critic, she assures us that she will be painting the office pink and placing flowers on everyone’s desk. We asked fellow staff how they felt about her promotion from News Editor. Dandan Blackball, a designer, is angered by “another bloody foreigner taking jobs from hard working Kiwis.” Josie is an immigrant from England and, despite her strong accent, is somehow incapable of imitating any other British accent.

Blackball also promises to encourage the implementation of biometric scanners so that no one has to come and lend her keys during the year. “She’s banned from owning a set,” he says. Four keys have been lost this year.

Josie had to give up her role for Cookie Time following the offer of Editor, so the existing team also fear they will now miss out on their regular Cookie Time donations and, instead, will have to cope with Josie’s failed attempts at banana protein pancakes or any other form of “creative” baking. Her Instagram explains the result.

Finally, she wants to ban snails from the Critic fish tank, as she believes that the regular slaughters should not be encouraged. “I’ve walked in here one too many times and witnessed a blood bath. It’s not happening again on my watch,” she says. The Critic goldfish, Gold Bastard and Gyarados, have an affinity for the taste of local Dunedin snails. “I don’t mind if they eat each other, but don’t take it out on other species.” Critic assures you that we don’t condone cannibalism and Josie is not a vegetarian.

Critic wishes her, and ourselves, good luck.
God help us.