Last week we published an article about a charity fruit and vegetable scheme run by the Anglican Church. It’s a really great scheme run by amazing volunteers dedicated to bringing you super cheap food. You should totally get on down and sign up.
In the header of the article (which was added by the editorial team, not by the original author), we included the line ‘Fresh Produce is also good for inserting into vaginas and bums’. We thought this was a helpful reminder that there are multiple, perfectly healthy ways to utilise fresh produce for your own enjoyment, none of which are harmful to others and all of which are good for you. Critic believes that sexual exploration should be encouraged in a safe and wholesome way.
On Wednesday, I received a phone call from a priest at St Martin’s Church expressing his “disgust” that we would dare use such vulgar language.
I would like to make a sincere apology to that priest. We never intended to imply that the Anglican Church is open minded or progressive when it comes to sex, and we certainly never meant to suggest that the Anglican Church is in any way in favour of sexual gratification, either via vegetables or in any other way. Fruit and vegetables should only be used in the way God intended: eaten purely as sustenance, boiled and unseasoned, sitting on a plate getting cold as you stare across the table at the spouse you’ve despised for 20 years.
Now that that’s out of the way, welcome to the O-week issue of Critic! What’s that you say? O-week was two weeks ago? Yeah well, we’re way behind the times. We couldn’t talk about O-week in Issue 1 because we finished writing it on the Thursday of O-week, so we’re still catching up. Cut us some slack.
We’ve got some pretty good stuff this week. We sent a couple of old people to the toga party to see what would happen. We scored some sweet interviews with James Shaw, Chase & Status, and a couple of awesome local artists. We also sent a reporter out to interview drunk people on Castle Street seven nights in a row – and it turns out people there genuinely really like putting veges up their bums. Whomst'd've thunk.
Have fun reading it,
Your pal, Joel.