News

The scene on Castle Street this week was messier than when Edward Scissorhands tried wanking. Things got out of hand as Castle Street’s road was redecorated thanks to a kind soul with a good eye for colour. He or she poured two buckets of paint on the road, one orange and one white. The perpetrator then stepped back and let cars do the hard work spreading the paint. The resulting work of art looks a lot better than the current graffiti on Castle St, as “Savage Cunts” and “Get Die or Rich Trying” aren’t exactly pieces out of Banksy’s book. These two witty and intellectually stimulating pieces of graffiti are rumoured to have been done by a mildly retarded, dyslexic South D bogan. Whoever the culprit was, they have been upstaged by the dirty white and orange lines that now cover Castle St.
A large number of red cards were pulled during the week and the cancellation of a large lock-in made way for a red card in the haunted house bathroom. The nine boys involved proceeded to have their own lock-in, commencing with the destruction of the girls’ bathroom. One flatmate felt the need to piss on another flatmate, his reasoning being “I thought he was Campus Watch”. Unfortunately for him he was “gang bashed” by the rest of the boys. Real awkward breakfast in the morning.

 
At another red card, goon was being devoured like KFC after a blaze, and an “old time’s sake” trip to Gardies soon ensued. There were supposedly messages hidden in SoGo cans scattered in the garden, hence twenty gooned-up people were climbing trees and generally causing havoc in the desperate search for the cans. The next day people trooped back in to find lost belongings, although one poor guy was having more trouble than the others because he can’t get back what he lost. Turns out he lost his virginity after the red card; he can’t remember anything beyond that he just woke up with an itchy dick and that empty feeling.
 

In an unrelated matter, residents are really beginning to mourn the loss of Gardies. It is only now that the full extent of life without Gardies has been realised. Where are people meant to go for a quiet(ish) beer without being surrounded by giggling freshers? It seems as though without a safe environment to get a bit loose and pass time in the evenings, substance abuse is reaching new heights. Unfortunate yet inevitable when places like Gardies are taken away.