Gin is medicine; it’s true. I was prescribed it, along with heroin, by my 19th century doctor. He says, “It takes the edge off of Mondays.” I miss the days when you could be prescribed alcohol by a doctor. You know you’re a special case when your doctor says, “Jesus, this guy needs a drink.” And that’s all gin is, after all: a cure-all. It’s made from botanicals, which makes it (under legal definition) a vegetable.
There is an incredible lightness to drinking gin, followed by bouts of romanticised melancholy, like listening to Cocteau Twins. Getting trashed off gin & tonics is my family's idea of upholding tradition, but after drinking seven G&T’s it’s difficult to understand what they’re saying through their Scottish twang (also like listening to Cocteau Twins).
Larios Gin
Second year is all about overcoming the boredom of your newfound freedom. Terrific, I’m finally left to my own devices and I’m utterly lost. The flatmates and I may as well entertain one another by using our bodies as testing grounds for the frontiers of alcohol consumption. Of the hundred-odd funnels I’ve guzzled, only one stands out as exceedingly foul: a two-metre-long brown slurry of Do-Bros, Billy Mavs and KGBs, all topped off with a double shot of Larios Gin. This particular mix was not all that frightening as we had been refining the recipe for a while, albeit without the addition of gin.
The gin cut straight through the entirety of the mix. It had cannibalised its alcoholic peers and used their volume to lubricate its worst attributes right down my throat. Eyes bulging, stomach turning, and tongue contemplating suicide, it appears I had been poisoned by my constituents. I stomached it all, and then immediately busted right out of my face. The flatmates had their turn straight away.
Gordon’s Gin
Gordon’s is like Speight’s: good for the uninitiated. It’s a classic, but it isn’t top-of-the-line. That being said, it’s hard to turn down as it isn’t an awful gin, and it even comes in pre-mixed 7% cans every now and then. Can’t hate it, gotta respect it - overall a solid standard. If it’s worse than Gordon’s, it’s probably shit, and if it’s better, it’s probably nice. Sometimes a classic is best.
Seager’s
Sometimes a classic is best. Also sometimes you can be drinking Seager’s. Seager’s isn’t particularly notable in any way shape or form, other than being consistently the cheapest way to imbibe a g&t. And if thrift is what you’re after, Seager’s is the way to go. But it’s not good. It’s still gin, but like, ginferior. It’s a literal bottom shelf gin with no redeeming qualities.
Hendrick’s Gin
I hear it tastes like cucumbers? I dunno, it’s expensive. Got it once at a cocktail bar before feeling scared away by the alty crowd.
Malfy Gin
Yes. Also comes with fancy bottles.
Emerson’s Hazed and Ginfused
The best Emersons beer left to steep in the juices of a gin barrel? Sign me up. Tasted like a beer brewed in a botanical garden, with great sweetness and perfume. A siren song of drunkenness that draws you in despite the impending hangover. Mixing drinks is never a good idea, but how can I avoid it when my drink is literally brewed into my other drink? That’s more drink per drink. Though, the hangover that arose from close to ten pints of this stuff felt like a traumatic experience. I’m not fully recovered. Thank god it was a limited release.
Tanqueray London Dry Gin
This is the best gin you can get for its price point. It’s tending toward the expensive side, but is ultimately the best gin for converting gin sceptics. Even if you can’t convince your friends, you now have a bottle of the best to yourself. It's usually your parents that have the bottle, and you ask if you can take some to a party. They give you a half full bottle of Tanqueray, "Is this going to be enough? Don't drink it all." I'm sure it's enough, and yes I will.
Tasting notes: One step away from the worst hay fever of your life.
Chugability: 1/10. There is no worse spirit to take a shot of.
Hangover depression level: 5/10. The tonic placates the hangover.
Overall: 10/10. If you ain’t drink gin, I don’t trust ye.