Aquarius
Aquarius, this coming period of your life will bring about questioning, self-reflection, and a desire for change. Remember to not shy away from these feelings, as they will serve for the best in the long run.
Sexy activity for the week: Engaging in self-respect.
Pisces
Physically, you’re here; mentally, you’re living in the land of delusion and vivid imagination. Honestly, you should just stay there. Reality and logic are for losers anyway.
Sexy activity for the week: Daydreaming about your perfect partner.
Aries
Aries, you need to give up the facade you’re portraying. No one likes a fake, and people can see right through it.
Sexy activity of the week: Hooking up with your work crush.
Taurus
You need to accept the fact that you’ve been struggling spiritually. It’s time to reflect, reconsider, and re-evaluate some of your life choices, and rely on those who are close to you.
Sexy activity of the week: Crying.
Gemini
It’s time to find the love of your life. You’re hot, fun, and no one can tell you otherwise. Now is prime time to jump into the pool of romance and desire.
Sexy activity of the week: Working through your roster.
Cancer
Normalise having boundaries with people. Sometimes you can be a bit fucking weird.
Sexy activity of the week: Watching porn with the flat.
Leo
Shut the fuck up.
Sexy activity of the week: Getting an STI check.
Virgo
Stop thinking about your ex, and don’t give into temptation. Try to remember how much they gave you the ick, or their mummy issues. Now is not the time to be romanticising the past.
Sexy activity of the week: Hooking up with a stranger in the Carousel bathrooms.
Libra
Embrace anxiety and remember that nothing really is the end of the world. It’s normal to worry and feel nervous at times, but don’t let these feelings overtake you. Practice balance and positive affirmations.
Sexy activity of the week: Visiting your therapist.
Scorpio
Scorpio, there’s a reason you find yourself alone all the time. It’s because your expectations are unreasonable, and you can be mildly insufferable. Try loosening up a little more, and being open to others.
Sexy activity of the week: Sleeping with someone who’s not your ‘type’.
Sagitarius
You’re feeling restless and are craving tumultuous activity. Follow your spiritual desires. Go book some flights, make some bad decisions, and abandon all sense of logic and reason.
Sexy activity of the week: Masturbating with diverse household objects.
Capricorn
It’s been a rough fucking year for you. Time to put those well-worn feet up and have a rest. Order yourself a delish meal, and try to experience happiness and a sense of comfort.
Sexy activity of the week: Finding a turn on that isn’t the sound of your own voice.