Critic Te Ārohi just found out about all this "feminism" stuff, and we think it's pretty neat. To show what great allies we are, for our hundredth year of publication Critic has our first ever female booze review moniker! Sometimes the reviewer behind the pseudonym is female, too. To help build women up, here are 23 other female monikers we almost used, and the reasons why we think they're bad. Go Girl Pilsner!
Martini Monroe
Glamorous and classic, but doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Perhaps gentlemen prefer bongs?
4/10 standards
Speight Winslet
US export. Pairs well with a Leo Dicap Re-O. However, the latter sours in the presence of fully aged liquors. Could be better.
7/10 standards
Joan of Rark
Humbly knighted with a beer can sword, ready to take on any person or wall that gets in her way. Burns on the way down.
10/10 standards
Katy Beery
Oh my god I'm so fucking sick of her.
1/10 standards
Ble$ha / Se$ha
Tick tock, on the rocks... Bleshgo. Se$ha also has some potential. Weed strain review, anyone?
7/10 standards
Mary Poppers
I fear for anuses everywhere. Also, this one's a stretch – no pun intended.
3/10 standards
Keggin' Thee Stallion
For all the girls who have one shot and decide that they can twerk.
8/10 standards
Yardi B
Did you know there's a classic cocktail called "wet pussy"? Anyway, I imagine like a solid yard of that.
9/10 standards
Beerbra Steinssand
This one's alright, but beer steins aren't very common these days. Neither is Barbara, but I saw a Tweet that says she's still alive, which is cool.
5/10 standards
Beerbie♥︎
Come on Barbie, let's go party. Life's fantastic, my gear has microplastics.
9/10 standards
Sabrina Barpunter
Tight wordsmithing but she's the absolute furthest thing from a bar punter I've ever seen. She looks like she calls pubs "public taphouses". Speight’s would dissolve her. I could likely punt her quite a distance.
6/10 standards
Tipsy-Rose Blanchard
Two years ago, this would've been killer.
2/10 standards
Jug Judy
BALONEY!
10/10 standards
Judith "Crusher" Coffins
Must say "Talofa" as you hand over your ID.
9/10 standards
Ja'sinka Bardern
Eh, she's been through enough already. No need to put her through shite wordplay too.
3/10 standards
Lady Lager
Rah rah ruh a a. Foam, aroma-ma. Gaga, ooh lager. Want your bad... rhyme scheme?
7/10 standards
IPA Twigs
Was trendy, but quite quickly falling out of favour. IPAs: the beverage FKA “beer.”
5/10 standards
Absynthia Erivo
Something Wicked this way comes. Cynthia wouldn't hold space for this.
5/10 standards
Swiggy
Like Twiggy, y’know? One for the lightweights.
4/10 standards
"Dark & Stormy" Daniels
A "Dark & Stormy" is a cocktail comprised of rum, ginger beer, and lime. To help you remember:
Dark and Stormy contains rum, while Stormy Daniels retains cu…
7/10 standards
Swillary Clinton
Lost to an orange screwdriver, unfortunately.
6/10 standards
Mo'liquor Brewinsky
I did NOT have sexual libations with that woman.
10/10 standards
Britney S'Beers
Leave her alone!!!
0/10 standards
You know what? Think I'll stick to the water tonight, thanks.