Aquarius
You need some flaws to stop seeming like an absolute bot. The new moon moving into Cancer holds a metaphorical mirror up to your face and says, “It’s your time to take a big long look at the person you are and stop being so damn perfect.”
New semester, new habit: Washing your feet in the shower
Pisces
You spent your break lazing around and mooching off those around you, and your semester will continue like that. At least pretend to get dressed, though, otherwise your mum will worry that you are “wasting your precious youth”... whatever the fuck that means.
New semester, new habit: Bi-weekly mould-cleaning party
Aries
Your ‘crack-head energy’ (cringed typing this) is taking its toll on your relationships, romantic and platonic. Unless you like the idea of buying soup for one cans for dinner at the age of 45, pretend to be a normal fucking person for once in your goddamn life.
New semester, new habit: Monthly sheet-washing (at least)
Taurus
It’s time to take notice of your finances. That “money comes and goes, but memories are forever” mindset will land you in some terrible places where your friends can afford mozzarella, while you barely scrape the barrel for plastic cheese.
New semester, new habit: Not going to KFC every time you drive past
Gemini
Your emotions are valid, and even when you feel a little stupid about shedding tears over the little things, bottling all your feelings up causes pimples! Get on the phone and talk it out with the people you love most – they miss you too.
New semester, new habit: Emptying your vacuum of hair
Cancer
Cancer, Mars (the planet, not the chocolate bar) is giving you the energy to get out there and talk to new people. Spending time outside of your flat will lower your chances of pneumonia by 79.99%, fax no printer.
New semester, new habit: Replacing your toothbrush (please)
Leo
It’s been a rough year, Leo. You know it, I know it, and lord knows your therapist knows it. The stars are lining up for a big 180 this week, so hold onto your five panel cap and jorts, and charge into the week with a smile.
New semester, new habit: Making homemade oat milk chai lattes
Virgo
I sense a rather hefty power bill coming your way this month. Maybe think about cutting your Pint Night pint quota down to three a week, just to scrape a few more dollars together.
New semester, new habit: Getting enough fiber in your diet, constipation is no joke
Libra
Your relationships have been suffering while you’ve been in this funk. Fix it by finding a mutual enemy and bonding over your disdain for them. It may be toxic, but boy is it fun!
New semester, new habit: Cleaning out your fridge’s rotting veggie drawer
Scorpio
Open your laptop, start up Sims, and let the good times roll. Uni isn’t that serious, but the Sims grind is.
New semester, new habit: Learn to read (if only to read Critic Te Ārohi)
Sagittarius
It’s not shameful to be addicted to silly little things, but it is shameful to let them rule your life. Wanting a fizzy drink is fine but being willing to go into overdraft for it is a little extreme. Remember: you are stronger than your cravings.
New semester, new habit: Clearing out your email inbox
Capricorn
Socks aren’t like bras and t-shirts, it’s a wear once and wash kind of situation. Also don’t let them marinate in your laundry hamper for weeks on end until the smell radiates out of your room and into communal spaces. Please.
New semester, new habit: Drinking more water than alcohol