Meet the ten sexy singles who will be vying for Joel’s affections in the upcoming series of the Critic Bachelor! We tasked the finalists with a cheeky Insta stalk for a first impression of the man of the hour (which they probably had already).
Next week, tune in for details of the first group date as our contestants get acquainted with the 5’11’-and-a-half hunk. Who will receive a rose? And who will be sent home with the consolation prize of a Delivereasy voucher to eat their feelings? Wait and find out.
Micah
Star sign: Aquarius
Age: 20
Home town: Coming to you from the scenic mountains of Colorado, USA
Degree: Physiology in Health and Disease with Biomedical Physics, Chemistry, and Business Administration minors at University of Denver
As an avid nature enthusiast and gym aficionado, I find myself deeply resonating with Joel Tebbs' adventurous spirit and love for the outdoors. Much like Joel, I thrive on exploring the natural world around me, whether it's hiking rugged trails or camping under the stars.
I believe I would be a great match for Joel because I bring a blend of curiosity, positivity, and a love for life's adventures. Like him, I value meaningful connections and believe in embracing new experiences with enthusiasm. His charismatic personality and genuine interest in connecting with people resonate deeply with me. I'm excited about the possibility of getting to know Joel better and exploring where our shared interests and values could lead us on this journey towards finding true love.
Insta stalk impression: Joel's Instagram portrays him as an adventurous and friendly guy who takes the most out of life (I just wanna see him painted in blue in person). I do admire his dedication to fitness and the aesthetics of his page.
Hannah
Star sign: Triple Virgo
Age: Almost 21
Hometown: Auckland
Degree: Pharmaceutical Science
[Editor's note: Kudos to Hannah for the 12-slide PowerPoint that kept the casting team entertained]. If I have free time, then you’ll probably find me taking a nap. Other than that, I like baking, reading, going on walks and debating. I’m kind, supportive, charismatic and a little bit awkward (but I think this adds to my charm). Most importantly, I love trying new things and putting myself out there – like trying out for Critic Bachelor.
In terms of green flags, I love to hike, I’m self-aware, have first-aid training, and I can solve a Rubix cube in under 45 seconds. In terms of red flags, I can’t spell, I handwrite in caps lock, and I’m a huge Swiftie. Overall, Joel seems pretty cool, and I’d love to meet him to prove that Mario Kart is super fun. Regardless of anything that happens, it seems like a great time and a great way to meet new friends.
Insta stalk impression: Joel seems like a chill dude who’s very in touch with nature, seems like a vibe to be around. He’s seemingly been to a lot of places, especially around New Zealand, and I think that's really cool because it's definitely something I want to do.
Amelia (but Joel can call her “Milly”)
Star sign: Leo
Age: 21
Home town: Auckland
Degree: Medicine
Joel Tebbs might be my perfect cup of steaming hot fruity tea. I'm really chill, I love the outdoors, camping (and the sauna), the only games I like to play are in my relationships, and I'm even more addicted to drama than caffeine (and the sauna). At a stately 5'2”, Joel and I would achieve the relationship height difference golden ratio of exactly one head.
Not only am I passionate about energy, but I'm even more passionate about managing it, and there is nothing that I need more in my life than a man who can EXCEL my coffee purchasing habits and calculate the impact it will have on my long-term finances. While everyone else is in the running to find true love, I'm at the start line, a blue V down, atop a speed limiter-removed, George Street sourced, flamingo; I'm in it to win it, and I'll do whatever it takes to get there.
Insta stalk impression: Pretty sure half of these [are] made on DALL.E, I know real mountains when I see them.
Lily
Star sign: Gemini
Age: 22
Hometown: Geraldine
Degree: Film & Media Studies
I currently work at Radio One as the Promotions Manager and graduated with a degree in MFCO. My life revolves around artistic pursuits which means, yes, I have been burned by many a man who wears a tiny beanie and claims their favourite band is Ween (gross). During the week, I grind hard promoting the local music scene and you can usually find me at various gigs throughout the week (I am NOT a groupie). During the weekends, I enjoy watching wanky arthouse films and going climbing.
I think I would make a FANTASTIC addition to your Bachelor cast as I am extremely charismatic, have a semi-disposable income (very attractive quality), and – let's be real – bring more promotion (exploit me, Critic!). I care about people and the environment just like your handsome Joel. Also, apparently I am a good flirt (quote my friends on this, not me) so can bring some heat to any dry conversation.
Insta stalk impression: I like my men like I like my rock climbing: hard, hot, and high
Jessica
Star sign: Taurus
Age: 21
Hometown: Waipukurau
Degree: Culinary Arts
I'm 5'4”, a natural blondie, and I've been single my entire life (hello no past relationship trauma or crazy exes!). You'll find me in the gym 4-5 days a week, and I'm always on the lookout for a gym buddy to spot me for a shoulder press. I'm studying culinary arts, so whipping up delicious high-protein meal prep is my Sunday ritual.
I love a good sauna. A trip to OUSA's steamy wooden box is my idea of some relaxation time away from study. I'm looking for someone self-motivated and outgoing like Joel, as well as someone I can be myself around, banter with, and who motivates me to be the best version of myself – and vice versa.
People would describe me as independent, trust-worthy and self-motivated. I also enjoy reading, long walks, listening to podcasts, finding new artists, Sunday self-care, and catching up with friends. I'm currently enjoying meeting new people and would love to see if Joel and I would get along.
Insta stalk impression: From first glance, Joel seems to love the outdoors and great views. He looks super adventurous and like he loves a good party. Only time will tell if I’ll be featured on the gram ;)
Charlotta
Star sign: I’m a Pisces, so Joel and I are compatible (I checked)
Age: 21
Hometown: Nelson
Degree: Dentistry
I’m a dental student and love to spend my time doing fillings and root canals, but what I really want is someone to root my canal. In my spare time, I like to play tennis, go ice skating and try out new hobbies. I’m willing to try anything if Joel is willing to get on some ice skates! I also love the outdoors – I’m not a tramp, but I do like tramping. I agree with Joel that gaming is an absolute waste of time. My friends would describe me as a good chat, open to try new things and that I would make excellent TV. Please consider me for the Bachelor, these Dunedin nights are getting lonely and cold after three and a half years here.
Insta stalk impression: From his Instagram Joel seems to be in the outdoors more than he is indoors. He appears friendly, and has a nice smile (nice teeth, very important!).
Gabi
Star sign: February Pisces
Age: 21
Hometown: Windsor, England
Degree: Classics major (yes, the Latin language is as dead as my love life – I would know, I speak it), Archeology minor
I’m 5'3”, commonly known as a loose cannon, and perpetually single. Maybe this is my shot – my time to bring hope to the forever single and friendzone-enduring girlies. My English charm and pint drinking abilities make me a catch for anyone looking for an additional passport (or two, love the Irish) and a not-so-study buddy. My ideal date idea would be up a mountain, or drinks on my fire escape (romcom writers could never).
Insta stalk impression: As a long time follower of the adventurer that is Joel, I have witnessed many a butt shot (cute), and an obnoxious amount of climbing action shots. Feeling like the photos of us from the iconic Nuggets’ game last year should have featured on the grid tho bud (smh).
Olivia
Star sign: Sagittarius
Age: 21
Hometown: Auckland
Degree: Neuroscience & Psychology
Listen, I’ve had to drink a glass of Pinot Noir to write some kind of blurb about me because I don’t usually put myself out there. When Joel said that his friends described him as extroverted, I thought, “Yeah, I could be his match.” I’m active too – but I’m definitely more introverted. A perfect balance.
So what about me? I’m a pilot, I like skiing and surfing, I speak French, and I’m 21. Joel’s beach date sounds perfect, as I love swimming, and I just got my open water diving licence last month. My idea of a perfect date would be taking Joel for a homemade dinner and cocktail night. I’m a bartender in Auckland in the summers, and my girlfriends tell me I make a banging cocktail (true). So watch me shake it as I make you drinks and a great meal. Green flag that you have a celebrity crush. It also won’t matter if you’re a boobs or ass guy, coz I have both in the trunk.
Insta stalk impression: When I first looked at Joel's account, one of the first things I noticed is that he travels a lot and seems to spend a lot of time outdoors enjoying nature. He also has a really nice smile!
Charlotte
Star sign: Leo
Age: 20
Hometown: Dunedin
Degree: Politics & Communications
Fondly known as Weiner within my social circles, my friends would describe me as extroverted, curious, and always down for a good time. I’m fresh off the plane from Europe, but my summer fling didn’t work out so I thought I’d try my luck in the Dunners dating pool. I’m really into music, reading, and going out for a boogie.
Admittedly, I’m not a gym girlie like Joel wishes, but I do enjoy hikes (back up to Queen Street) and long, romantic walks on the beach. I think I’ll be a great fit for this year’s Critic Bachelor as I’m a huge yapper and a gigantic drama queen – my mum has always said I’d make great reality TV. If it’s mum endorsed, what are you waiting for? Put me in, coach, I’m single and ready to mingle.
Insta stalk impression: His gram is pretty aesthetic for a guy, he looks adventurous and like he's got a lot of mates.
Brad
Star sign: Pisces (hope this isn’t held against me)
Age: 23
Home town: Queenstown
Degree: PhD in colorectal cancer immunology
Hi, I’m Brad, and I am being pressured by my lesbian friend into applying (she’s pushing me out of my comfort zone). My positive attributes include being naturally funny (her words), having a moustache, and I’m great with kids. I’m passionate, spontaneous and driven. I’m also a big fan of nature and animals I’m not allergic to. In terms of my “weaknesses”, I was born in Invercargill, I’m a fan of knock-knock jokes and I’ve been known to push a pull door.
In my spare time, I love socialising with my friends and whānau (youngest of five) (1718 friends on Facebook, mostly my mum’s friends). I am a doting uncle of seven, who all think I am fantastic – hopefully you will think the same. I notice Joel is a keen adventurer, as am I – particularly in the bedroom so we can spice up that missionary status. Ultimately, I want to find someone who is fun, confident and is passionate about something.
Insta stalk impression: Smash. But on a more serious note, actually looks really fun, loves camping – big ups in my book.