The final night of the Bachelor is upon us. Critic Te Ārohi has arranged for the final ceremony to take place right where it all began: the Critic office (honestly, we never leave). We’ve sent out invites to basically everyone we know, including the singles who are welcome to bring along a plus one for emotional support.
Unfortunately, the majority of singles couldn’t make it (or perhaps were too heartbroken to ever face Joel again). Those in attendance include Lily, Brad, Hannah and Olivia, who has brought along her gorgeous flatmate, Annabelle. Upon her arrival, Annabelle proudly proclaims that she was the one who wrote Olivia’s application blurb, concluding that it was actually her that Joel fell in love with. I would make a joke about this if it wasn’t the finale tonight – so, you know.
The office quickly fills up – making us realise it’s actually not a very big space – and the suspense rises as we enjoy a few bevvies and prolong addressing the elephant in the room. Tonight, Joel will be picking who to spend his forever with: Brad or Lily? Before Joel can grab the attention of the room, Nina steals the spotlight to announce that she has made custom certificate awards for everyone involved. Awww.
Awards include the ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ award for being 2024’s biggest BNOC (big name on campus). This obviously goes to Joel, whose face is now plastered on flat walls across North Dunedin. Shout-out to the girls that stopped him on the street the other night while he was on his way back home from work to take photos with him. “One of them was maybe called Vanessa,” Joel tells me. He goes on to snag a grand total of six awards – with Nina admitting she got a bit carried away.
Finalists Lily and Brad wrack up a decent number each, as well. Brad is awarded ‘Wine Mum’ (for obvious reasons) and ‘Lieutenant Colonel’ for being the fearless leader of the #BradArmy. Lily takes home the ‘Took the Bit Too Far Award’ for accidentally valley-girling her way to the final, and the ‘Plastic Award’ for faking her accent, background, and flat situation – something Critic has been made aware Brad also did. Cheeky.
Even Nina can’t distract the room for long, and soon eyes fixate back on the soon-to-be resolved love triangle. Joel looks visibly nervous, maybe about having to make the decision or perhaps he’s got a bit of stage fright from how packed the office is. He takes a stand in front of Brad and Lily.
“This journey has been filled with unforgettable moments, and I’m so grateful for the time I’ve shared with both of you,” Joel begins. Brad and Lily smile at him expectantly. “The ice skating date was such a fun memory, but it was our solo date where you opened up and shared your deepest thoughts that truly deepened our connection,” he continues. “Your smile brightens my day, and your positivity is something I’ve come to cherish.” Swoon. The room is so quiet you could hear a pin drop – or the frantic thud of Lily and Brad’s heartbeats.
“Meeting your flatmates together felt so special, like everything was starting to fall into place. Every moment has been incredible, but my heart is telling me who I want by my side.” Joel pauses before that boyish smile spreads across his face. “Brad, will you accept this rose?” Cue the applause and “awws” so loud they could’ve been heard from the library.
Someone yells “speech!” as Brad steps forward to claim his rose and hug Joel. Brad obliges, beginning, “Um, I really enjoyed [the experience].” He gestures to “flatmate” Madeline who he brought along (proudly wearing her heart-shaped carabiner). “Thanks Madeline [...] for pushing me into it, it’s been really fun.”
We catch up quickly with Lily before she has a chance to disappear forever (back into the Radio One office). Voice trembling from a tirade of (fake) tears, she reveals her true feelings about the finale. “I just thought we had a really great connection. But you know what, I’m really happy for Brad. I was team Brad from the beginning, [...] I can’t lie.” Seems no one is safe from the #BradArmy.
We quickly wrangle Brad into a quick interview too before he swans off into the sunset. “It’s been a good season. Probably the highlights were getting out of my comfort zone for one. And ice skating – realising I won’t fall on my ass every time I try something new. And, of course, Joel,” he beams. Asked about his highlights for the season, Joel tells us, “It was lovely to spend the evening with Lily and Brad. [...] It’s been a good time overall,” he shrugs.
We can’t really blame him for the NPC-style answer. He was planning something else in his head. Just as we’re all set to leave, I overhear a conversation between Joel and Brad about heading to The Bog to grab some drinks and continue their conversation away from prying cameras and eavesdropping journalists. Drat.
And that’s it, dearest reader. But do not fear – Bachelor is not over. Bachelor is all around us: playing cupid with your friends, writing out questions to ask on a first date, consoling your flatmate after one of their hookups goes incredibly wrong. It is love. You are all the Critic Bachelor(s). Ciao, bella.
Awards
Joel Tebbs
The I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here Award for being 2024’s biggest BNOC
The Snow Bunny Award for an undying love of mountains
The Slow Walker Apologist Award for admitting an odd attraction to them
The Anti Botanist Award for calling every flower a rose
The Brand Ambassador Award for undying loyalty to Delivereasy
The Slam and Dash Award for fastest pre-shift pints sunk
Brad Devery
The Lieutenant Colonel Award for inspiring the #BradArmy
The Wine Mum Award for consistent dedication to a cheeky Sav
The Dr. Smooth Bowel Award for talking about nothing but his PhD for the first four dates
The Drama Llama Award for being so brave and trying something other than wine
Lily Knowles
The Took the Bit Too Far Award for accidentally valley-girling her way to the final
The Plastic Award for faking her accent, background, and flat situation
The Nepo Baby Award for being an office plant
Micah Masten
The Baby Reindeer Award for an unnerving knowledge of Joel’s instagram
The Samosa Stan Award for consistent dedication to OUSA lunch dates
Jessica Wilson
The Texas Hold ‘Em Award for best bull ride
The Sabrina Carpenter Award for being so short ‘n sweet
Charlotte Werner
The “What?” Award for a very valid reaction to the Boy Girl Soup Factory
The Lemonade Out of Lemons Award for making more connections with the singles than with Joel
Amelia Isac
The Ice Queen Award for being frosty and sniffly on the ice
Olivia Haskell
The Avid Listener Award for remembering Joel’s favourite artist
Gabi Scott
Award for the Most Iconic Line for “you can friend zone me once, but you can’t friend zone me twice”
The Lavender Trauma Award for never being able to look at it the same
Hannah Mitchell
The Oracle Award for origami-derived powers of fortune
The Canva Queen Award for her 15-slide application presentation
Charlotta Hillberg
The Tramp(ing) Award for a love of callused hands