Critic Te Ārohi originally set out to review every energy drink available in the campus vending machines. But upon parking up at the library (Robertson, because it's obviously the best one), it became evident that the only energy drinks you can really get are Monsters. Thus, while you’re busy doom-scrolling Instagram reels instead of studying, Critic ranked the best Monster flavours so you don’t have to – really, don’t.
MONSTER JAVA
Monster Java is Monster’s attempt to combine an energy drink and an iced coffee in what would theoretically be the best of both worlds for anyone torn between them for their caffeine fix. The result, however, is an abomination that is not truly either, tasting just about as fake as Shane Reti’s plan to build the new hospital. But at least they had the decency not to carbonate this drink. The Mean Bean flavour, supposedly coffee and cream brewed with vanilla bean, is easily the best flavour of Monster Java. This shit is loaded with more sugar than the whitest girl can conjure up in a Starbucks’ order. If that flavour was bad, the Salted Caramel one took it to the next level. Sounds good on paper, but even for Monster it’s way too fucking sweet. In terms of caffeine content these both rock in at 140mg of caffeine in 305ml.
Heart-attack likelihood: 3/10. It’s coffee right?Can’t be that bad for you.
Anxiety: 5/10. Feel like pure shit, just want Barista Bros Iced Coffees back.
Taste Rating: 6/10. Starbucks girlies’ sweet tooths are no joke.
ULTRA ROSA
According to the description thrown on the back of the pink can by Monster’s marketing intern, Ultra Rosa has a “flora finish”. There's no way to describe it other than “it tastes like Ultra Rosa”. Slightly more accurate might be if you described it as licking a set of LEGO roses that are flavoured with trace amounts of perfume. I know Monster doesn’t scream “organic”, but this drink being sugar-free seems to have replaced the sugar with some type of acrylic plastics. Standing as the third 500ml energy drink of the day with 140mg of caffeine (three times the daily limit) it had created an unsettling amount of anxiety. Either that or I'm still trying to figure out what a Rosa is and what makes it Ultra.
Heart-attack likelihood: 8/10. Had to tap out for the day.
Anxiety: 8/10. Knees weak, arms are heavy.
Taste Rating: 5/10. Plastic.
WHITE MONSTER ZERO ULTRA
Sugar-free energy drinks are a fad that deserve to fail, like Sambas or I Love Ugly hoodies. If you're going to have an energy drink, I don’t think you're considering your health while doing so. No, you want it pumped with sugar to the point where you don’t know what will make your heart give out first: the caffeine or the cholesterol. However, I’ll admit that this drink does offer a fairly refreshing citrus flavour, but without sugar it feels like Monster just wanted to skimp on ingredients and make people pay the same regardless.
Heart-attack likelihood: 5/10. Nothing like an energy drink to start your morning.
Anxiety: 7/10. Questioning the life choices that have led to drinking a Monster at 9am on a Monday.
Taste Rating: 5/10. Mid.
MANGO LOCO JUICE MONSTER
Easily the best Monster in the review, and undoubtedly the best energy drink for someone who has never had energy drinks. It really just tastes like a Just Juice with a twist – that being it’ll give you heart palpitations and enhanced anxiety. The fruitiness and tropicality will make you feel like you're in the Bahamas and not the Robbo, which works really well to distract you from the fact that you're having a panic attack and you have an assignment due in 45 minutes. It would make a great mixer, though. The caffeine content in the Mango Loco Juice Monster stands at 151mg for 500ml, so it’s the best Monster for getting that blood to brain circulation. Feel like this would make a great mixer though. Oh, I said that already.
Heart-attack likelihood: 6/10. It’s fine, it has trace amounts of vitamin C.
Anxiety: 7/10. The name Mango Loco Juice Monster freaks me out.
Taste Rating: 8/10. So good I want to dig out the maracas!
MONSTER ORIGINAL
Chunny Bill Swilliams, mind, body and soul, couldn’t handle another Monster. This was meant to be a more comprehensive review, but due to not being able to sleep after two days of energy drink fuelled insanity, the pin had to be pulled. After a year of sinking piss in the name of journalism, it was the energy drinks that had me folded. Somehow sticking to booze seems like the healthier option here.