Dear Ethel,
I’m really worried about my friend. This guy, who’s kind of in our close friend group, sexually assaulted her at a party. I don’t think it’s the first time he’s done this either. The tricky thing is that we’re all at the same college and it’s got weird with our friends since then. It’s like they’re all sucking up to him and avoiding her. I’m the only one who’s trying to look after her but she’s really not OK and I don’t know what to do.
I’ m so sorry to hear about your friend. Sexual assault and rape are far more common than we think – for some reason they’ve become taboo topics that are not spoken about. For people who have been the target of assault or rape, this silence is dangerous. Even worse is the sort of victim blaming that you hint at in your letter: where people side with the perpetrator and exclude or blame the survivor.
You are already doing the first and most important thing that you can do, which is caring about your friend. Right now, she needs all the friendship, care and support that she can get.
Although it’s hard, talking to the right people is really important so that the person can find support and begin healing. Encourage your friend to talk to someone; a counsellor, Rape Crisis (474 1592), Youthline (0800 376633) or an advocate at OUSA Student Support, who can connect with other specialty support services. We can also advocate for the student with college heads and University staff, or help them if they decide to make a complaint through the justice system, which can be daunting.
Experience of sexual assault and rape may severely impact on mental health so we would highly recommend seeing a professional counsellor or psychotherapist. We can refer students to a number of professionals experienced in this area. We can also assist when study has been impacted by these experiences, ensuring the student receives considerate, confidential respectful support from the institution.
Continue to be the great friend that you are and encourage your friend to seek additional help. It’s also important that you get some support. You don’t have to ‘go it alone’. Please feel free to drop into 5 Ethel B so that we can make sure you’re looked after too.
The more we connect with safe support, the more strength we build to help others and promote spaces where any inappropriate sexual advances or conduct will not be tolerated, where perpetrators are held accountable for their actions, and where survivors receive the love and support they need.