Each week, we lure two singletons to The Captain Cook Hotel, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email critic@critic.co.nz. But be warned--if you dine on the free food and dash without sending us a writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name. And that won’t end well for you.
Seeley Booth
Started with pre drinks with my flatmates. Rolled up slightly late but my date wasn’t there yet. Spent the bar tab on drinks, bought some more, went to a few other bars and snuck in a quickie before going our separate ways. Thanks for a great night Critic!
Nah this wasn’t like all those other basic blind dates. I walked in early and saw a total goddess sitting at a table and prayed to the Good Lord Jesus that she was my blind date. She was! Trying not to propose on the spot, I introduced myself and we clicked immediately. She was a mature aged geology student and ten years older than me but did not look anywhere near it. We made the most of a free meal, with her sagely pointing out that millennials like me just need to knuckle down and simply avoid buying things like avocado on toast if I want to buy a house. Beautiful AND wise! I was smitten.
After a couple of drinks, conversation quickly turned to maths, murder and the impending apocalypse and I could feel myself growing physically aroused. We discussed the most effective method for getting away with murder and I was becoming lightheaded with lust. I kept trying to ask if she wanted to come back to mine, but I guess she was having too much of a great time because she insisted we stay out and drink more.
Realising that thoughts of the world’s end approaching might help move things along, I asked if she had seen the most amazing movie ever made. That did the trick and we were in a cab to her place to ‘watch San Andreas’ within minutes. We flirted with the cab driver on the way to hers but he wasn't up for joining us. “But it’s Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson!” we protested. Still, the night wasn’t completely lost.
We only just made it to her bed by the time our clothes were off and if you want to know the rest of the story her poor sleep-deprived flatmates can probably describe exactly what she wanted done and how much she liked it.
Not a bad way to lose my virginity!
Thanks Critic, I owe you everything!
Temperance Brennan
I arrived at the Cook unfashionably early and unfashionably sober. Walking in, I spotted an incredibly handsome man alone at a table. It was chemistry professor Dr Dave McMorran, and my heart skipped a beat. Desperately hoping he was my blind date, I was sorely disappointed when I was advised that my date had not yet arrived.
When my date did eventually arrive, I was a little shocked. “They’ve sent me a child!” I muttered indignantly to myself, wondering where his Leavers ‘16 hoodie was. It turned out that he was 22 (ten years younger than me) and impressively nearly finished his masters in genetics (meanwhile I got my fingers stuck in a protractor last week).
He seemed far too earnest as I regaled him with stories from world war two, when I pretended I was a young lad who got a job as a shoe-shine for the local army regiment. He was a kindly boy but definitely not my type. In fact, he downright irked me with his entitled millennial attitude and eager acceptance of the metric system and Apple products.
After a couple more drinks, I decided to just fuck with the guy and see where the conversation would lead - eventually it actually turned to some really interesting chat, which gained him some serious points with me. As we discussed the finer aspects of homicide forensics, I couldn’t help but notice him squirming and breathing heavily as his jeans betrayed what was quickly becoming a very noticeable “situation”.
“Interesting,” I thought, bemused.
I could tell that he was keen when he kept trying to subtly ask me to go back to his place. I insisted we stay out drinking more, because I am a closet alcoholic and by that point just wasn’t ready to end my night out.
In the end, he won me over with strange and witty conversation, and I decided that, as an adventurous lass, I should go wherever the night leads. So when he asked me if I’d be interested in watching San Andreas, I threw caution to the wind and took him back to my place. I really do love that movie. And we almost watched it, too.
It wasn’t until the fifth time ‘watching San Andreas’ that he revealed himself to have been a virgin up until that night. What do you do with that piece of information? (I mocked him endlessly and told him to get the hell out of my house.)
Thanks for a wild time Critic.