Students demand more construction on campus
The student body has turned out en masse to protest the state of the University’s infrastructure, demanding widespread construction works start immediately.
“The buildings are an absolute fucking mess,” one protestor stated. “Orange cones make me aroused,” asserted another. “I cannot complete my education in this environment,” remarked a third protester while setting fire to a small dog.
“Look at that,” one student remarked, recoiling in disgust, “I bet that piece of pavement hasn’t had any renovations done for 1-2 weeks. Unforgivable.”
But do the university’s buildings really need an overhaul? In a fleeting moment of investigative journalism Critic gave the Richardson building a kick. It subsequently collapsed. We were later told that we’d merely kicked a cardboard box. Draw your own conclusions.
Some lecturers have pointed out that the noise of widespread construction on campus might alleviate the embarrassing silence that comes from lecturing to empty classrooms. “It’d be nice to know that someone, anyone might be listening, *sob* even if they’re hanging outside the window,” said Bernard Faknam, Associate Professor of Applied Theoretical Philosophy.
Personally Critic believes the University should build a giant obsidian statue of Harlene Hayne and sacrifice virgins [read: St Margs students] every full moon at her mighty feet.
Oh shit, you just saw someone from your high school and now they’re walking towards you
Oh God, was that Katie? Fuck, now she’s walking towards you. Do you look straight ahead to avoid her gaze or look down at your phone? If you look at your phone it’s gonna be super obvious you’re giving her the cold shoulder. Is it too late to turn into this random building?
Mike breaks up with Stacey after discovering handling her at her worst wasn’t worth it to get her at her best
Local man Mike Harvey tragically ended his one month fling with fellow Law student Stacey Jackson after it turns out he actually couldn’t handle her at her worst. Despite the Marilyn Monroe quote on her wall which warned him of her policy, Mike says he “underestimated” her worst and “clearly overestimated” her best. “Honestly, she kinda sucks”. Stacey appears to have moved on after posting a photo on Instagram captioned with lyrics from a Dua Lipa song.