Student Refuses to Remove Apple Watch During Sex

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I just can’t risk it,” he says. “What if an important email comes in while I’m shaggin? My life moves too fast, man, I can’t tap out while I bang it out.” What a tremendous lifestyle. Sources close to the student report that this claim is “entirely Read more...

Thing the Person Sitting Next to You in the Library Studying Looks Hard

Posted 9:19pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Oh boy, you thought your work was hard, you’ve just had a little peep at the laptop screen of the person next to you in the library and it’s completely incomprehensible. They must be a genius; they’re not even sweating looking at all those complicated squiggles and graphs. Your Read more...

Student Attends Semi-Regular Careers Expo; Is Inundated With Employment Offers

Posted 9:20pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Commerce student Lyndon Bridge is overwhelmed this week by an inbox simply bursting with job opportunities. Sources close to Bridge said that he heeded the advice of the Careers Centre and attended one of the highly exclusive events held in the Link on a Tuesday from 1pm-4pm. Six sparse tables Read more...

Graduation Actually One Giant Apple Data Harvest

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

A reliable source within the University has anonymously leaked information to the Critical Tribune regarding December’s graduation ceremony. Mr X has confirmed that Charlene Chainz has sold the physical data of all attending graduates to Apple Inc., in exchange for a 100-foot yacht that she Read more...

2.73 Billion People Do Not Know About Recent University of Otago Study On Loch Ness Monster

Posted 11:30pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last week, University Comms man, Mark Hathaway, wrote a blogpost about his part in communicating a study by University of Otago Proffesor Neil Gemmell on the Loch Ness monster to 4.8 billion people, falling short by 2.73 billion of total world saturation, making the whole Loch Ness project a Read more...

Harlene Hayne Requests Critic’s Spending, Finds $15,000 Spent on Something Called ‘Sick Fids’

Posted 8:06pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In retaliation for Critic’s recent request of her expenses, Harlene Hayne has requested every detail of Critic’s annual budget. However, Harlene was stuck when she found a large percentage of the budget was credited to someone with the improbable name of Sick Fids. “I have no Read more...

American Exchange Student Spends 45 Minutes Choosing an Instagram Pic Following a Trip to Queenstown

Posted 10:14pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

As any good exchange student knows, if you don’t post it on insty, the trip didn’t even fucking happen. Texan gal Emmaline Saunders, whose semester-long exchange to New Zealand is drawing to a close, lives by this motto. She shared her tips with the Tribune. “What you do, is Read more...

Film Student Really Wants You to Understand Tarantino Like He Does

Posted 11:05am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Otago Media Film and Communications student, Jordan Fleming, maintains Tarantino is the best director of all time (although says Stanley Kubrick is a close second). He asks if you would like to come around on Friday night and watch Kill Bill with him so he can explain every frame to you. “With Read more...

Booze Review Writer goes Straight Edge, Reviews Smug Sense of Superiority Each Week

Posted 11:06am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Swilliam Shakesbeer, Critic’s resident booze reviewer, has recently announced that they have completely cut out all drugs and alcohol. “I just feel so much healthier, you know,” Swilliam wrote in their latest column. When Critic Editor Charlie O’Mannin approached Swilliam Read more...

Radio One Golden Ticket Found Hidden Inside Stack of Volunteer Forms

Posted 10:54am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

It turns out that Radio One’s golden ticket giveaway campaign may have been a ploy to attract a new batch of volunteers after last week the ticket was found hidden under a freshly printed stack of volunteer application forms. Barry Huntly, a second-year Business student, was the latest Read more...