Genuinely, my first reaction was a full-body shudder. I put on White Snake’s “Here I Go Again” as motivation to get me through it. It didn’t help.
By far the best part of this beer is the cool picture of Atlas holding up a very inaccurate globe. In a real game changer for Greek art, Atlas appears to be sporting a massive dong approximately the same size as the can, if not bigger.
Upon opening, the scent was not overpowering, and for a moment even smelt like a normal beer. I thought it was going to come out a thick, treacly black, but to my surprise and disappointment it was less Guinness and more Rheineck/water in colour.
While sipping this beer, you need a constant, vigilant awareness of your gag reflex, or you’re going to find yourself vomming on the bar. Actually, I’m pretty sure no bar in the world sells this beer. You’ll find yourself vomming on whatever public park/front stoop/Countdown carpark you’re drinking it in.
I hate it so much. So goddamn much. It does not deserve to call itself beer. Beer has done too many good things to have its name sullied by this atrocity.
There is a leading theory among some scholars that Atlas Super Strong 12 is not in fact a strong beer, but is secretly just a regular strength wine. A number of factors corroborate this theory.
It comes in a 500ml can, which is very close in size to a 750ml bottle. Another reason it is like wine is that it is 12%, which is what wine should be/not a strength that beer can be. It also tastes just as bad (actually, definitely worse) than that three-year-old goon you stole off your grandma when you were 14. Also, if you shotgun it you will arrested for being TOO MUCH OF A BADASS.
Fuck this beer. Don’t drink it. If you see a mate drinking it, call the poison hotline.
Taste Rating: Literally the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth/10
Froth Level: Genuine danger. Like, A&E on Sunday after O-Week combined with the 2008 Undie 500 riots.
Tasting Notes: Well, the ingredients list is: Water, barley malt, maize, hop extract, caramel, and colouring agent. I couldn’t taste any of the first five, so I’m assuming that the main flavour is colouring agent.
Pairs Well With: Losing your job, coming home, and find finding your wife in bed with your best friend. And also your dog died.