Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, I知 throwing my first red card this weekend, what do I need to know?

Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, I知 throwing my first red card this weekend, what do I need to know?

Make sure you clear the entire day, even if the party starts late in the morning at like 5pm. And always have a bevvie or two before your guests arrive so your guests know that you’re out for a fun time and not just out to be a control freak. 

Red cards need a unique theme. For example, move your entire friend group into an international flat, turn on all the heaters, shut all the doors, cover the stove with pots full of water, put that oven on 360 degrees C with the door wide open, and have the kettle on a continuous boil. Then make it a lock in, where you have to finish a box of purple goans before you can leave the tropical sauna for the sub-zero degrees of a mild Otago night. This bad-boy is called “tropical purple goanna sauna lock in red card”. Catchy names like this are also important as they let guests know almost exactly what they’re in for. 

You should also establish the vomit and pooping premises before everyone is too waaasted to forget where they are. Also show them where water can be found for free. Give them snacks. The OUCC are infamous for just passing around a block of edam cheese until someone gets naked or noise control are called. 

The other most important thing is to make sure the red card team leaders are all really charismatic, because if they can’t make random strangers feel like they voluntarily want to do shoeys until dawn, it’s gonna be awkward.

Please ask a more specific question next time,

Cheers,

Mamma Zo & Aunt Kell

This article first appeared in Issue 16, 2018.
Posted 6:27pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport.