The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello.

If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz

 

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Kylie

As the designated third wheel for my sister and her boyfriend, I have been a regular little spoon on cold nights. This, combined with taking skillful photos to make it look like I was on dates, was cause enough for an intervention. I was strongly encouraged to contact Critic and give the blind date a go. 

I rocked up smelling like an aromatic blend of durrys and gin. The type of musk one can only acquire through breather status. Immediately, I saw someone I hoped was my blind date. We were already so in sync that we were wearing matching outfits, and as soon as I saw his cheeky smile, I knew it was going to be a great night.

Usually, I get caught up in trying to figure out what schneck I want, but the chat was so good that I wasn't interested in the menu. Like the perfect gentleman, he ordered for us; two ribeye steaks. And as the picture of femininity, I of course, completely cleaned my plate. To my surprise, he couldn't finish his, but I didn’t mind because he looked just as delicious as our food tasted. 

To work out our compatibility, we decided to use a point system where we added and subtracted points for each other, for things we did and didn’t like. 

Halfway through the date he mentioned there was a girl staring at him, I turned around to find my sister and her friend at another table trying to sneak some pics of us. After being caught out, she headed straight to the table to take a close up photo, before migrating to the bush outside for some follow ups. I am sure that this was minus a few points for me. 

We stayed so long that Ombrellos changed into a salsa dancing club. We made up backstories for the dancers and then realised we had been there for almost three hours. My sister came to pick me up, but she ‘arrived’ so fast, I am unsure if she ever left. He accepted the offer of a ride, even though he was nervous that we would find out where he lived- fair call. Upon arriving, I ungracefully scrambled out of the backseat of the two-door car to say goodbye. He leaned in for a cheeky kiss that was so good I forgot my sister was there. 

Critic made my dreams come true, and I think my sister will be getting her bed back in the future.

 

Kyle

Papers, scissors, rock, fuck a game I’ve just lost.

Flatmate leans over, lighting bueges I must stop.

Half dozen deep, leave the flat with a leap.

Set off with a mission, I knew I was fishin.

 

Loose as a goose, I hope to seduce

This little blond lady, I’ll put her to use.

 

To my surprise, her sister sits near, 

burning gaze, I felt in her stare.

I think to myself, is this a nightmare?

but remember wise words, that a man never fears.

 

Put luck she is crazy, with her eyes opened wide,

but tonight is the night, I must take it in stride.

So aside from the sis-ter,, I decided to kiss-her

with a smile on her dile, leaned in told her its Kyle

 

She orders steak, and I think what a date

Hoping to leave, and to head to her place.

So back to reality, I’m done with formalities,

My game face is on, can’t promise no casualties.

 

The chat seldom ceased, and from this was pleased,

Good company she was, and was now time to leave,

Little she knew, these were hunting grounds 

So I loaded my pistol, I wanted to pound.

 

Few drinks inside, we relinquish our pride,

And bathroom antics, we did more than just try. 

After this date, she was adamant to mate. 

Couldn’t hold on much longer, no idea that I’ve wronged her.

 

 

Grin on my face, she’s wearing sexy black lace,

So Back to the bedroom, I told her to brace.

Taking two to tango, and tango we did.

Flatmates they fret, as the bets they were set. 

 

Cards on the table, won the money I’m able.

We went all night, untill she’s disabled

In good old fashion, I gave her a thrashin.

She had no idea, my game more than pashin

 

I gave it a punt, and oh loud she did grunt

Little appetite for desert, the way she walked it must’ve hurt.

Dusk until dawn, didn’t stop till she was torn. 

Just another night’s business, she was merely my pawn.