Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

This week you will be kink shamed. Probably by me.

This week’s lube flavour: Yeast

 

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

Hmm something smells fishy. Vagisil, anyone?

This week’s lube flavour: Birthday cake

 

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

Let’s get freaky. Time to dust off those handcuffs and blindfolds. Your true colours will shine.

This week’s lube flavour: Sweat

 

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

You’re going to have really boring sex this week and probably won’t cum… Sorry in advance.

This week’s lube flavour: Vanilla

 

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

Make that ass clap. Don’t catch The Clap though.

This week’s lube flavour: Durex™ condoms

 

Cancer

Jun 21 - Jul 22

Dim the lights, deadass. Put on Adele. Hold my hand. It’s time for romance this week, please.

This week’s lube flavour: Tears

 

Leo

Jul 23 - Aug 22

You’ve had enough sex. No more this week - you’re banned.

This week’s lube flavour: Abstinence

 

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sep 22

I wanna make love in this club ayyy, in this club. The club is U-Bar and pint night will be the night.

This week’s lube flavour: Usher’s spit

 

Libra

Sep 23 - Oct 22

You’re bouta get a raw thumb in your ass this week, but it could be at any moment. Could be during sex. Could be during your lecture. Could be while you’re asleep by a sleep paralysis demon.

This week’s lube flavour: Chocolate

 

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

Your side-hoe will give you that good sloppy toppy and will become your main-hoe.

This week’s lube flavour: Watermelon sugar

 

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

If I back it up… Is it fat enough? Baby when I throw it back, is it fast enough? If I speed it up

Can you handle that? You ain't ready for this work now watch me throw it, throw it back.

This week’s lube flavour: Milk

 

Capricorn

Dec 22- Jan 19

You’re too busy for any sort of romance or ten-second-sesh. Take some Ritalin and buckle down. No Ds or Double Ds for you.

This week’s lube flavour: Coffee in your coffee