Winter has come, and the fish and chip gods demand justice! If fish and chips are a summer food, then why do they have all the key components of a hearty winter feed? Potatoes, grease, convenience, shame. Perfect for cold days, or cold journalists in dire need of their yearly sacrifice – this year being News Editor Hugh’s stomach, having consumed five rounds of fish and chips in the space of a week. Pray for Hugh.
Ever your servant on the altar of student interests, Critic Te Ārohi presents our 23rd annual offering of a grease-and-tear soaked review. This time, we have new contenders to challenge the North D veterans. We ordered two fish (too scared and broke to ask what kind) and a scoop of chips from eight takeaway shops across Ōtepoti to compare cost, levels of grease, fishyness, crispness, and batter structural integrity – certified by Chris “Chippy” Hipkins himself!
Hooked Takeaways (Ravensbourne)
The soggiest
A first-time contender this year, Hooked was also the first bounty the Critic Te Ārohi staff ploughed into. And yet, it managed to appear the soggiest. Albeit this is likely because I stuffed the steaming package into my bag and ran the 3.5km to the office – snagging a few chippies on the way (because tradition). OUSA Prez Keegan said that “it looks sad” by the time it reached the plate (an effort to make it appear less sad) with similar sentiments being shared by the rest of the staff.
While the chips possessed an admirable chunkiness, they were bang average, teetering on the edge of cardboardyness. There were also like ten in the package, and one sad straggler remained on the table for the rest of the review. The soggy fish exuded sliminess, having slipped its batter by feeding time. Sad is right. Hooked has had rave reviews on the hallowed ‘Dunedin Fish & Chip shop review’ FB page, yet failed to live up to the hype. The one possible reason for any student entering Ravensbourne was extinguished with every reluctant chew. I wish I could move on and forget the incident ever happened, but my bag still smells like Ravensbourne fish and chips.
Chips: 4/10
Fish: 3/10
Price: $10.60
Ideal circumstances: Post-run feed
Best Cafe
God batter and a lemon wedge
Best Cafe is a constant head scratcher for ardent fish and chip shop advocates. Can it really be counted to be in the spirit of the fish and chip experience, or is it too restaurant-like? I’m not sure, but with a price of $22.50, you can best believe my tasting experience was impeded by the thought that I could now only afford to eat my flatmates custard powder and the Critic office noodles for the next month.
The chips were of a standard variety, harkening to a simpler time, while the fish was flat-out fantastic. Nina called the delicately light and crispy shell a “god batter”, while thick batter fans shook their heads in disgust (arguments ensued). The fish was delicate and spoke of a middle-aged night watching The Bear with wine and cheese. The meal was destroyed, and we sat grinning at each other, not yet fatigued by too much fish and chips. Glorious. But the question is: was the cardboard boat and lemon wedge worth the $10 difference from other shops?
Chips: 7/10
Fish: 9/10
Price: $22.50
Ideal circumstances: Parents are buying or straight off the cruise ship for the Kiwiana experience
Mei Wah
A fine girth
Mei Wah is no stranger to the Fatty-Lane-faithful. The go-to fish and chip option for students, Mei Wah has been something of a stranger to good fish and chips – until now, that is. The utter shock we all felt when biting into the thick batter was enough to make us celebrate like it was Armistice day (well, not really, but it was still quite a shock). The chips did their duty, each with a fine girth and a generous seasoning, supplementing each piece of fish beautifully.
The fish’s batter was the size of a truck, yet somehow this didn’t overpower the meal. It was a truck we would gladly lie down in front of. It hurt so bad, but oh so good. A true Fatty Lane experience. Talking ceased as everyone got to munching. For $12, it was a serious feed. There was a pluckiness to the meal that left us humbled and immensely proud of the local. Silently we wondered: could Mei Wah really win this thing? Mei Wah!
Chips: 8/10
Fish: 8/10
Price: $12
Ideal circumstances: Flatmate forgot to make dinner
Great Wall
Teeth, who?
“If you like batter, go to Great Wall.” Particularly if it’s bready, chewy, shit batter that you like. If you’re normal, don’t touch the Great Wall fish with a ten foot pole. This shouldn’t be too hard as the batter is a mile deep, so you won’t need to worry about getting anywhere near the fish. You don’t really need teeth to eat this shit. The chips were “aggressively bland” according to Lotto – first thing they said all review, so you know they meant it – and did little to save the meal. It screamed casino depression, being conveniently just round the corner. This would be the gold standard for a drunken night out when your taste buds are gone, but unfortunately the place closes at 9pm so it has been unable to gain the cult following of local kebab shops.
Chips: 6/10
Fish: 4/10
Price: $12
Ideal circumstances: Eating your feelings or being too tired to chew
Botans
Needs dry shampoo
This was tough to get through. Lotto said, “It just tastes off,” and I think that sums it up pretty well. Not only were we three-quarters of the way through an FnC marathon, but the sheer amount of grease had made the fish unhandleable for everyone but the bravest. On the bright side, the oiliness made for one hell of a crispy batter, with intern Tevya gleefully tucking in.
Just across the road from New World Gardens, Botans Takeaways is conveniently located, yet lacking in the kind of oomph you would expect from a joint nestled on the edge of NEV. If anyone deserves a hearty batch of fish and chips to get them through the winter, it’s the battlers of NEV. Unfortunately, this just didn’t perform. The chips were a tad stale, yet somehow greasier than any other chip we had encountered. On the subject of grease, we could see the coffee table through three layers of paper, leaving everyone with an immense craving for a post-review bath. Or at the very least to dry shampoo our hands.
Chips: 3/10
Fish: 6/10
Price: $12.75
Ideal circumstances: Eaten at an outdoor Tipplers table with a pint and yarns with the crusty locals
Tahuna
The empire falls
This pains me to write. Tahuna Camp store has fallen from its lofty pedestal, plummeting into the depths of shittery. Camp store ain’t it anymore: I weep. Though the presentation was immaculate – really, props to you – as soon as we had to use force to tear pieces of fish, we knew the mirage was fading. The fish just did not taste like fish. It was giving frozen fish fingers, and took far too long to chew.
The chips were poorly shaped and offered little in the way of actual potato. Both Gollum and Samwise would be disappointed by this meal which is for neither the fish nor potato lover. Keegan commented, “This is like watching the Roman empire fall in real time.” Nina argued that it was a case of “Instagram vs Reality.” Whatever it was, it couldn’t even be saved by the tartare sauce pottles that we used to mask the averageness of the meal. Of course, it wasn’t that bad, but it was a real shame: the throne is now up for the taking.
Chips: 6/10
Fish: 6/10
Price: $13
Ideal circumstances: Trekking onto St Kilda beach
Squiddies
Simply lacking
Everyone has a soft spot for Squiddies, and despite the fact that it hasn’t claimed the win in our review in years, it’s still a much beloved favourite of many. Squiddies provides variety, nostalgia, convenient individual portions, centrality, and most importantly, fucking banging crinkle cut fries. We couldn’t get enough. And unlike the other shops, they didn’t lose their edibility as they cooled – an understated but vital quality.
Yet chips alone do not make a fish and chip store. Squiddies’ banging crinkle cuts are good, yes, but the fish is simply lacking. The fish, looking a bit like the fish equivalent of a chicken nugget (and tasting like it, too) is certainly not fresh. Where’s the flakiness, Squiddies? If this local legend hopes to have another Critic certificate up on their wall in years to come, they need to do something about that fish. Feel free to borrow our fishing rod!
Chips: 10/10
Fish: 5/10
Price: $12.50
Ideal circumstances: Post-lecture lethargy
Marlow
Damn.
Marlow isn't messing around. We couldn’t even get the fish and chips from Marlow in the first instance since our staff review was a lunch affair and they open at 4:30pm. In an independent review by Hugh (and family) there was then an hour wait time. Was Marlow playing hard to get? Or creating an illusion of popularity to prop up their ranking?
Damn though, was it worth the wait! The chips had a starchiness to them which somehow refrained from being sickening, filling you up all the same. Marlow’s fish was pure as snow, able to be ripped apart in delicate chunks which only lost their form deep in the pits of your stomach. The batter was also actually something you wanted to eat and, even if you didn’t, it surrounded the fish perfectly so you would reach the good stuff as soon as you had a bite. Takeaways on Marlow, Critic bows to you.
Chips: 9/10
Fish: 9/10
Price: $14.50
Ideal circumstances: Doesn’t matter. Like MDMA, Marlow makes everything better
Final results
It’s Marlow, hands down. No one else even comes close. Mei Wah at a push maybe, but Marlow blew us out of the water. As Squiddies can attest to, it’s not hard to come by a fish and chip store with great chips and meh fish, but a store with both? Priceless. Best Cafe and Tahuna Camp Store: kneel, you have a new king. Shout out to Mei Wah for keeping it real on the streets of Studentville and providing us with the drunken feed we may not deserve, but desperately need.
Full ranking:
- Marlow
- Mei Wah
- Best Cafe
- Squiddies
- Tahuna
- Great Wall
- Botans
- Ravensbourne
On the search for the perfect fish and chip: expert advice from Chris “Chippy” Hipkins
Critic Te Ārohi takes our job of reviewing Dunedin’s shops in search of the best fish and chips very seriously. We sought expert advice on our quest, asking former Prime Minister Chris “Chippy” Hipkins the questions that truly matter to students.
Critic: What do you think makes for the best fish and chips?
Chippy: Fresh fish, and you’ve gotta get the batter content right. So you don’t want too little batter, but you don’t want too much batter, either. If the batter is too thick and stodgy, it kind of ruins the flavour of the fish. So you want a nice light batter, but you need to have a good covering. And I like hand-cut chips, rather than the mass-produced ones. I always like the fish and chip shops that make their own chips. If they’re cutting their own chips, generally they’ll be nicer. And the ones who cut their own chips and double fry them [...] Oh, just absolutely divine.
Critic: We’re pairing our review with Heinz tomato sauce. Do you have a favourite brand of sauce?
Chippy: Well, there’s two. Watties, if I’m buying tomato sauce, but my family has a homemade tomato sauce recipe that’s been handed down through the generations and it’s the best.
Critic: Love it. What would be your go-to fish and chip order?
Chippy: Two fish, a crab stick, and a scoop of hand-cut chips.
Critic: Wow, that really rolled off the tongue.
Chippy: You can tell that I’ve done that quite a bit. I should probably cut down to one fish, now. I mean, crikey, you hit 45 and suddenly you can’t eat quite as much anymore!
Critic: You should have seen us after our fish and chip marathon.
Chippy: [Steering us back on track] But no. I love a crab stick. I think they’re the perfect accompaniment to a fish and chip meal, but it also depends on the type of fish. If you were going to a place that does nice fillets – so if there was a blue cod fillet, for example – that would just trump everything. I would have the blue cod fillet. I just love blue cod. It's my favourite fish. [Blue Cod monologue ensued] Best fish, yeah.
Critic: One more question. If you had to choose between two stores, one with the best fish and average chips, and the other with the best chips and average fish, which would you choose?
Chippy: If I had to choose, I’d go with the fish. But in that scenario, I would take the time to go to both. I would go and buy the fish and then I would go and buy the chips separately [...] You can’t be lazy when it comes to getting the right fish and chips. It’s an important quest. You can’t cut corners.
There you have it, folks. Don’t go gentle into that good fight for the perfect fish and chips.
