The Winter Breatha’s version of a dick-measuring contest is trading war stories of how much the cold weather has fucked us over. But like your dad likes to remind you when showing any discomfort (AKA sign of weakness), “Don’t give me problems, give me answers.” Your mates are sick of hearing about your chilblain-riddled fingers, or how pale you’ve become – purple in extreme cases. Critic Te Ārohi has compiled a totally helpful list of ways to keep warm this winter.
1. Alcohol Blanket
A tried and true beezy classic. At the height of winter, you’ll find packs of true (often blue) Dunedin beezies scurrying from one flat host to another, half-sunk boxes tucked under bare arms (a jacket would have ruined the ‘fit). But don’t be fooled! They have the ultimate protection against the chill: the alcohol blanket. Kicking in after a few brews, the alcohol blanket numbs the body to the point of simply not feeling the cold. Any alcohol works for this method, but if you’re after the sort of alcohol blanket that would actually warm you (from the inside out), Critic recommends liquor that burns – duh. Fireball, whiskey, or bourbon will do the trick.
Warmth-level: 1/10. Not warmth so much as an absence of cold.
2. Cuff Your Situationship
There’s a reason they call it cuffing season. Practical prior planning for winter means biting the bullet and popping that question: “Will you warm my bed this winter?” If you aren’t one of the lucky few with an electric blanket, nights can be the most brutal during winter. And what’s even better than a hot water bottle? One that hugs you back – with forehead kisses as an added bonus for a different kind of warm and fuzzy. But there are downsides. As many a person will know (or virgins will imagine) having another person in your bed can have one of two effects: you either get cold as fuck toes jammed in your back, or you have your cold as fuck toes graciously warmed by your loving bedmate. It’s a give and take sort of dynamic.
Warmth-level: 6/10. Warm in every sense of the word.
3. Burn Shit
Channel your inner caveman and just start burning shit. Where do you think the scarfies tradition of burning couches came from? It wasn’t anything deeper than those poor Dunner-dwelling critters before the introduction of Healthy Homes (not that it’s made much of a difference) burning anything they could get their hands on for warmth. The modern day equivalent looks like you and the flatties either crowding around the oven, rotisserie-chickening yourselves before the heat pump during the hour of power, or burning copies of Critic if you get desperate. It’s okay, we understand. But only if you’ve read the whole thing first.
Warmth-level: 7/10. Don’t burn yourself.
4. Heat Pump Lock-In
You’ve been meaning to host your red card all year, and frankly you’re fed up with your mates complaining about how cold they are all the time – whilst refusing to use their heat pump. Now’s your chance to kill two birds with one stone: stage a heat pump lock-in. It’s exactly what it sounds like. A twist on the classic lock-in, but adapted for seasonality, pull a red card locking all your whiney friends in one room together with the heat pump on blast to sink a box together. It’s sort of like a sauna, but instead of sweating out the toxins you’re just pumping them right back in. Sounds like hell (and it definitely will be) but hey: at least Hell is warm.
Warmth-level: 10/10. But at what cost?
5. Never Leave the Library
Your academic era starts now! Why go home to an environment that's cold, damp, and just so full of distractions when you could kick back in Central with that sweet, sweet air-conditioning, and grind out all your assignments for the semester in one go? Then all you have to do is park up on one of those big comfy armchairs, watch Netflix, complete the Critic crossword, and mindlessly scroll Tinder because you thought you saw your flatmate's boyfriend on there and wanted to make sure it wasn’t him, and definitely not because you are actually trying to cuff for warmth. Extra for experts: stay overnight to really maximise your tuition fees’ value for money. Never leave. Central is your home now.
Warmth-level: 7/10. Comfort at last.
6. Camp in the sauna
The OUSA Sauna is a hidden gem on campus. It welcomes those brave enough to enter a room relatively unclad and sweat like a so-and-so (not saying it) in a playground. But do remember to take breaks. Uncle Google says it’s rare, but people have died in saunas, and there are FAR cooler ways to go out. Scoop some snow and ice off the ground before heading in to keep your water bottle cool. The battle against frostbite switches up to one against heatstroke in this method. Seriously, though: please don’t actually do this, OUSA would kill us.
Warmth-level: 11/10. Your corpse will be warm for days.
7. Move Into One Room
Like Happy Feet, but Crappy Heat. It’s time the flatmate with the biggest room who thought scaled rent was “unreasonable” paid their dues. Grab your other flatmates and move in for the winter. Huddle for warmth in one bed, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory style, or like you’re one of those swaggy little tuxedoed birds from a David Attenborough documentary. And much like someone who would wear a tux at an event with a semi-formal dress code, you can sublet the other rooms while you’re at it! People who say winter is expensive just aren’t thinking enough outside the box.
Warmth-level: 4/10 ‘cause your mate keeps muttering “no homo” from the other side of the bed.
8. Home Insulations
Ok, this is actually a serious suggestion, so if you are gonna do any, probably start here. Bubble wrapping windows acts as a DIY double-glaze, adding an air gap to the windows. If you’re missing curtains anywhere in the flat, these can be doohickeyed up out of broomsticks and blankets. Obviously windows should have curtains, but they can also work to isolate the parts of your house that don’t need warming. A blanket in the middle of the hallway also conveniently works as a sound-barrier between you and the flatmate who cuffed for warmth. A rolled up towel at the bottom of any doors to outside or rooms that don't need heating also works a treat!
Warmth-level: 7/10. DIY, it’s in our DNA.
9. Take up a tea habit
Not to sound like a grandma but fuck– if you can’t say it in the height of winter in the cold pit of Dunedin when can you? – I love tea. The English have not often gotten things right, able to be found smackbang in the centre of any major issue in the world, but in this instance they’re bang on the money: there’s nothing that can’t be solved by a good cuppa. Situationship couldn’t commit to warming your bed this winter? Console your broken heart with a honey chai. Need a subtle caffeine boost to get through the mid-afternoon slump, while still being able to get your Z’s at night? Brew an Earl Grey. Hands frozen stiff on your laptop keyboard? Thaw those bad boys out with a steaming green tea.
Warmth-level: 4/10. Be prepared to pee a lot.
10. Work in the Aussie mines
It’s not just the kids who yearn for the mines. You see it on Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook. The latter is probably from your uncle sharing links in an attempt to invalidate your “useless” degree because “people your age are making six figures in the mines and you are just bumming around on the government's dime”. What he doesn’t mention is they have to live in a fucking desert like its the biblical times. In all seriousness though, going to the mines is a solid life plan, with many a Year 12 dropout heading off to do an apprenticeship in the hopes of stacking their bread in the red dirt. Another bonus is that it is basically 20+ degrees year round, even at night, which in summer climbs to high 30s. It’s basically the bogan version of people who winter in Europe for skiing.
Warmth-level: 7.5/10. Points deducted for contributing to climate change.