Features

PDA stands for “public display of affection”. It’s not PDF, that’s a computer file you moron. A PDA has absolutely no place in civilised society because it is distasteful and rude. Not only that, it’s absolutely unnecessary. It’s not a big deal that you have a partner and love them. But touting it to the world is not necessary. Everyone else knows this, and it’s time you learn too.
Holding hands and walking

Ohhhh isn’t that cute? Two young lovebirds walking round holding hands. Well, no it’s not. We’re not at high school anymore. There are a couple of reasons why it’s so frustrating. First off, I nearly always get stuck behind these people and without fail they walk about 0.1km/hr. It’s like being stuck behind two enormous sloths. Since they’re holding hands they usually take up the entire footpath, so you can’t get round them. The only way to try to get through (if you’re in a hurry) is to possibly go over their linked hands. But of course the fleshy love barrier that has been created is usually too low to limbo and just too high to step over because once you’ve got the first leg over, there’s a 89% chance of getting your nads caught by their linked arms, unless you can leap like a fucking gazelle. Neither the most subtle way of working towards a threesome nor an effective method of passing them.
 

But all of this is overlooking a key factor – why do you need to cling to someone for such a long period of time? Of course, the more astute (and hopefully agitated) readers might point out that you could just politely ask the couple to move. Yeah, maybe –you could also politely ask the person who stands outside your window at night to stop breathing heavily and masturbating but that doesn’t mean they should be doing it in the first place.
 
 

Hooking up in public

Quick question: why is it necessary to start making out with your partner in public? Spoiler alert: it’s not. I’m not talking about a sneaky peck on the cheek. I’m talking about getting right into it or just generally smothering each other. While you probably just think you’re having an intimate moment and proclaiming your love to the world, what you’re actually doing is making everyone feel awkward. Like, more awkward than Parents’ Day at an orphanage. You also look really silly to the people around you because your lustful mouth movement suggest a number of things. Perhaps you’re really horny and have the self-control of a fatty in a chocolate factory? Maybe you’re extremely clingy and need constant human touch to help dissipate your self-conscious issues? It may be that you’re a chronic attention seeker? Either way it makes you like a slobbering goober. The only exception to this rule is hot chicks hooking up. There is nothing distasteful about that. Ever.
 

 
Pet names

You know what? There’s a pretty obvious reason why we don’t want to know that your partner calls your balls “cuddleberries”. Pet names make everyone cringe and should NEVER be shared outside the bedroom, bush and - in Mrs John Wilmot’s case – sex dungeon or where ever else you choose to fornicate. If you even sense that someone is going to mention a pet name, you need to be immediately ready to interrupt them. Are you able to projectile vomit on cue? Do it. Maybe you should start wearing a cape and carrying about smoke bombs exclusively to let off a smoke bomb and throw your cape over yourself right before they say those nasty words, allowing you to disappear into the shadows. It’s better than finding out that one of your friends named their penis after one of the Transformers. You’ll never be able to look at Bumblebee the same again.
 
 
On a completely unrelated note that will fill up the word count so I don’t get locked in Critic’s ‘time out’ cage again, let me share with you some profound wisdom. Where in the nursery rhyme “Humpty Dumpty” does it say that Humpty Dumpty was an egg?

 
This is only the beginning, young grasshopper.